I think I'm gay.
Okay, I know some of you probably aren't all that surprised. I've known I was attracted to women for several years now, but...
Ok, I was having sex with my husband the other day, and he lifted my shirt so that he could feel my breasts against him. I just started thinking, "I wish I could do that." Then I realized that I wasn't enjoying the sex at all. And that really, I never have. I enjoy the emotional closeness, and the feeling I get when I please him, but intercourse has never really done anything for me at all. I tried to fake happy, but it didn't work, I guess, because later he asked me if I liked having sex with him. (I lied, of course.)
I went to my bathroom and cried. I wanted so bad for him to be a woman, and it wasn't fair to him for me to feel that way. I LOVE my husband. I never want to be apart. He can't help his genitalia. But he's hairy where I want him to be smooth, rough where I want him to be soft, external where I want him to be...uh...internal. His beard scratches my face, and I don't like kissing him. He's a wonderful man (most of the time), but he's a man. My fantasies never include men, and he'll never be that fantasy.
But...I feel like I can't be gay. Everything I've ever heard says that if you're gay, you've always known it, you just try to deny it for a while so you won't be different. I've been boy-crazy since kindergarten, and didn't even REALIZE I was attracted to women until after college (though at that point, I was able to look back and see some crushes I had in high school that I hadn't seen for what they were.) I've ALWAYS been attracted to feminine men...scrawny, long hair, delicate features, and heaven help me if they wore eyeliner, but that's just a type preference. I just don't know.
Sex with men is something I've always just gotten through because it's what you're supposed to do, but I don't LIKE it. It's like...sexually, I want a woman, but in almost every other way, I want a man. Okay, an effeminate man. Okay, a woman would probably work there, too.
What do I do? Do I talk to him about this? I don't want to leave him, so would talking to him only hurt him without serving any other purpose? (And no, I'm not interested in having a "chick on the side"!)
Oh Jess - this must be such a hard time for you right now! I don't really have much advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I will support you in anyway that you need.
Before you talk to your hubby, I think that you really need to do some thinking. Do you want to remain married? How do you think he'll react? Will he freak out? Will he be OK and supportive of you? Will he demand a divorce? Will he be calm and talk about splitting up and help you work out arrangements? Do you have people you can talk to who can wrap their arms around you, feed you supper, and lend you an ear?
If he'll be there for you, I would talk to him soon. If you think that he will freeze up and maybe turn hurtful (because he himself is feeling hurt), then I would plan out your next few moves. Save up some money, think about where you will stay, how to handle the separation.
Once you kind of have an idea what is going to happen next, then I'd talk to him. I know that you don't want to hurt him, but keeping this secret from him would hurt him. I'm afraid that in the short term, things might get rough. But once you weather the storm, you will be stronger, happier, and true to yourself at the end. And by the way, by being true to yourself, you will be a great roll model to your little girls!
"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."
Anatole France
Quoting imannieeggplant:
Before you talk to your hubby, I think that you really need to do some thinking. Do you want to remain married? Yes. Very much. He may be a man, but he's MY man, and he loves me, and I honestly love him. How do you think he'll react? Will he freak out? Will he be OK and supportive of you? Will he demand a divorce? Will he be calm and talk about splitting up and help you work out arrangements? I think that he'll be upset and hurt that I've lied to him about liking sex, and he'll be really insecure about it from now on. I think that he won't believe me when I say that I love him and want to be with him. I think that he'll be on pins waiting for me to decide I can't do it anymore and leave him. Do you have people you can talk to who can wrap their arms around you, feed you supper, and lend you an ear? Not really. I don't think anyone I know would oust me because of it, but I also don't think that they'd see me as the same person, and would be uncomfortable, and I don't want that.
If he'll be there for you, I would talk to him soon. If you think that he will freeze up and maybe turn hurtful (because he himself is feeling hurt), then I would plan out your next few moves. Save up some money, think about where you will stay, how to handle the separation. That's the thing...I don't WANT a separation. I like my life...all but one relatively insignificant piece of it, and since I've never really HAD good sex (the only woman I was with was one I wasn't particularly fond of, and there was a man there, as well), I don't really know what I'm missing.
Once you kind of have an idea what is going to happen next, then I'd talk to him. I know that you don't want to hurt him, but keeping this secret from him would hurt him. I'm afraid that in the short term, things might get rough. But once you weather the storm, you will be stronger, happier, and true to yourself at the end. And by the way, by being true to yourself, you will be a great roll model to your little girls!
Quoting Rachael:
Okay so honestly I have come into a lot of the same feelings. As for me I think it is just curiosity and certainly nothing I would ever act on. You are obviously upset about this so I think you should talk to him. {{hugs}} and I hope you feel more at ease soon...
You might be right. Surely, if I were gay, I'd have figured it before now, right?
I realized that up there, it sounded like I was just now realizing that I don't like sex. That's actually not the case...it's been a problem for as long as I've been "sexually active," and is something my husband and I have talked about before (and Lydia's father before him. And that one guy in between...well, we never talked about it...I just broke up with him), but have never quite been able to fix. Maybe I've just never found a guy who was particularly good at it, but Brandon had PLENTY of practice before we got together, and no one ever complained.
Jess, I only said prepare to separate, based on what my marriage is like. I know that if it were me and Todd, if I ever told him I was gay, he would leave me no matter what. He just could not do it.
So for me, if I wanted to remain married to Todd, I would have to be in the closet for the rest of my life. I would still have Todd, and that would be great, but I would feel like it was not the complete marriage we had since I'd have to hold back part of who I was.
If I came out, I would be getting a divorce. So, I'd be living true to myself, but without my best friend by my side. I also know that Todd would probably not ever really want to talk to me or hang out ever again.
Also, if Todd ever found out I was lying about enjoying sex with him, he would be devastated. To be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, and Todd was gay but never came out to me, I would be pretty upset if I ever found out. I would want to know why he never told me, etc.
As for people who will support you, Nashville is too far away for you to come hang out, and put your feet up, I am here for you!
"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."
Anatole France
Wow Jess, this has to be very hard for you. I can only imagine what your emotions are right now. I don't really have a lot of advice, but maybe we can all help you pose some good questions to yourself that can help.
You said that you love your marriage, that the only problem is that the sex is bad. I guess that you will have to decide how important this is for you. Is sex too important for you to live without it? At least good sex, anyway? If it is that important what are you willing to sacrifice to have it the way you want it to be?
Why do you feel that you are gay, as apposed to other options such as curious, frushrated or just not pleased?
is there something that Brandon could be doing that he isn't?
I don't think it is really fair to not discus this with Brandon. He deserves to know. Today may not be the right day to discuss this with him, you certainly need to do some thinking first. Think of how devastated you would feel if fifteen years into your marriage you found out he was gay, and hidding it, faking being happy.
Sometimes happiness comes with a cost, you just have to analyze that cost. Is is worth it? Only you can answer that.
I hope that you do find your happiness, whatever it may be that makes you happy. Remember that we are all here for you, and no one here is going to change the way they treat you. We love you for you, no matter who you grow to be.
HUGS hon. Not sure, and keeping in mind that every person and situation varies, I believe a lot of women who are bisexual get very similar feelings as to what you're describing. I know speaking from my personal experience, I have gone through many different emotions regarding my sexuality. You may just want to evaluate things before you decide what to do. I wish I could offer some advice or had the "magic" words.
Quoting BigMommaJesca:
Quoting Rachael:
Okay so honestly I have come into a lot of the same feelings. As for me I think it is just curiosity and certainly nothing I would ever act on. You are obviously upset about this so I think you should talk to him. {{hugs}} and I hope you feel more at ease soon...
You might be right. Surely, if I were gay, I'd have figured it before now, right?I realized that up there, it sounded like I was just now realizing that I don't like sex. That's actually not the case...it's been a problem for as long as I've been "sexually active," and is something my husband and I have talked about before (and Lydia's father before him. And that one guy in between...well, we never talked about it...I just broke up with him), but have never quite been able to fix. Maybe I've just never found a guy who was particularly good at it, but Brandon had PLENTY of practice before we got together, and no one ever complained.
I have known people that just have never really "liked" sex. This could also be a question for your Dr. There are medical reasons for not enjoying sex. Have you tried doing things with your dh that are not the conventional sexual type things? I have it pretty good and my DH will pretty much let me do whatever the heck I want to him, lol (poor guy) Maybe your hubby is willing to switch it up a little to see if anything sparks you interest? I can tell by reading your responces that you love him dearly.
Quoting LesHug:
Wow Jess, this has to be very hard for you. I can only imagine what your emotions are right now. I don't really have a lot of advice, but maybe we can all help you pose some good questions to yourself that can help.
You said that you love your marriage, that the only problem is that the sex is bad. I guess that you will have to decide how important this is for you. Is sex too important for you to live without it? At least good sex, anyway? If it is that important what are you willing to sacrifice to have it the way you want it to be?
No, it's not important enough. That's what's so confusing. If it were just a matter of "I can't be with you anymore," then that's that, but as it is, I don't want anything to change. That's why I don't feel like I can talk to him. I don't see how we could have that conversation WITHOUT things changing.
Why do you feel that you are gay, as apposed to other options such as curious, frushrated or just not pleased?
Little things that I've never put a lot of thought into. When I fantasize, it's always about women, never men. My "sex dreams" that feature men are always really...oogy. Usually, there's something wrong with the penis. I've never had a successful sex dream about a guy. Is it possible that the few men I've been with all just sucked at it? Sure. Is it possible that there's something physically wrong with ME that I don't like sex? Brandon seems to think so. ;-)
But it's more than just the sex. I feel like I could connect better on SO many levels with a woman. But then again, what woman HASN'T said "Screw men, I'm batting for the other team from now on!"
is there something that Brandon could be doing that he isn't?
No. I'll give him this...he's inventive. He's tried EVERYTHING when it comes to sex. Really, the only thing he could do to make it super for me is give me oral ALL the time, and he just isn't that into it, so I'm lucky when I get it. Even then, though...it wouldn't be the same.
I don't think it is really fair to not discus this with Brandon. He deserves to know. Today may not be the right day to discuss this with him, you certainly need to do some thinking first. Think of how devastated you would feel if fifteen years into your marriage you found out he was gay, and hidding it, faking being happy.
Yeah, I know. But I need to wait a couplafew months, otherwise, I might say something, look back, realize I was going through a weird phase, and not be able to take it back.
Sometimes happiness comes with a cost, you just have to analyze that cost. Is is worth it? Only you can answer that.
The thing is, overall, I AM happy. I feel like this isn't exactly where I should be, but where I am isn't a bad place, you know? I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my town, etc. When I first told Brandon I was bi, he told me that he was worried that I'd leave him somewhere down the road saying "I was wrong. I'm straight-up gay." I told him that wouldn't happen, because if I were gay, I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I do. And that's right, right? I can't be gay if I'm in love with a guy. And he isn't my first love, either.
I hope that you do find your happiness, whatever it may be that makes you happy. Remember that we are all here for you, and no one here is going to change the way they treat you. We love you for you, no matter who you grow to be.
:-) I love you, too.
- BigMommaJesca
on Jul. 14, 2009 at 2:22 PM