When I was in high school, my Theater Arts teacher kicked all the boys out and told us that she'd just read that 1 in 3 women had been sexually abused at some point in their lives. After that class, I think it's probably more than that. Every girl in that class had a story to tell except me, and that's only because for some reason, I had actually forgotten that I had one.
I think that when Lydia gets back from her dad's, I need to take her out somewhere and have a talk with her. I think it's time for me to actually explicitly tell her what happens to some people, and who does it. Brothers, cousins, uncles, fathers, strangers, family friends, even women.
I've been afraid to scare her...to give her something ELSE to worry about (she really holds onto stuff like this), but I was younger than her when I got violated, and it never occurred to me to tell anyone until years and years later. I don't want that to happen to her. If someone effs with my kid, I want to be able to nail them to the wall...not get caught up in some stupid statute of limitations.
Any advice on what to say? Have you guys had this talk with your kids? Should I tell her what happened to me, just to make it more serious in her mind?
wow i didn't know it was that common. I think though, while it is good to have her relate to you, as personal experiences do, i think that your personal experience shouldn't be gone into detail, but let her know that she can confide in you. Sometimes telling her your story could have the opposite effect, like i remember when i told my mom that my dad hit me, and she told me all about her stories from the orphanage, like i didn't have a hard life compared to her...just make sure she knows that it is common and does happen...and if anything like that even happens, even if she doesn't feel comfortable with something to let you know... And i suppose teaching her that she can tell you anything is the first step, not to be ashamed and also how she is meant to be treated...so many girls just hide this and don't know better. I think that an open relationship is key for this, communication with your daughter that she can tell you anything. Also self esteem, self confidence in herself is key and i feel that is some ways to prevent this..even though you can't prevent all you can at least lessen her chances of winding up with someone who treats her that way for attention. i know i did that i just didn't know better and was ashamed...and ive thought about it, like being with someone else since my ex...like why was sex so much better, like before it felt like in between rape and obligation...and i had to learn it wasn't...before i never thought of it as sexual abuse but it wasn't until later when i learned like wow...it really was.
Yeah, I've read numerous articles saying that, but I so think the number is higher. I don't know if now would be the time to give any detail to your history, I think those details can wait either forever or until SHE asks for them. I would give details from news stories, and I'm sure there are books out there.
My daughter is 6 and I wonder if this is something I should even bring up with her? My gut says she's too young, but the world forces them to grow up so quickly.
Quoting alwaysmom98:
Yeah, I've read numerous articles saying that, but I so think the number is higher. I don't know if now would be the time to give any detail to your history, I think those details can wait either forever or until SHE asks for them. I would give details from news stories, and I'm sure there are books out there.
My daughter is 6 and I wonder if this is something I should even bring up with her? My gut says she's too young, but the world forces them to grow up so quickly.
I was molested when I was about 5. My sister was 3 or 4. No one had thought to talk to me about it, so I didn't realize I was even SUPPOSED to bring it up. Based on that, I'd say no, 6 isn't too young.
I learned about sex and all when i was about 6...and really with all that can happen even at early ages, sick people...sometimes they need to know what is appropriate when it comes to even other people touching their body or worse, because if a child doesn't know whats wrong they don't often get help or even know how to handle things like that happening to them..
I am so sorry Jess, that's horrible for anyone to experience, you were so young. People can be sick..yes i agree as far as ur experience goes, you can just mention it, as well as it happens to others, and what to do if anything like that or even near that happens to her or even a friend...all these things are important to build trust and communication.
Even though i have a boy, i will tell him too that it does happen to boys as well and the same thing applies...and what is appropriate for him to do as well...its really a big complicated subject and it probably is best to be handled in many talks. just let her know she can come to you for any question(s) she has and go from there...
Well this is kinda a difficult decision because she seems to be so much more advanced than many other kids.
I'd say that talking with her about her body and emphasizing that it is in fact HERS is a great idea. I would tell her that sometimes people hurt other people and that sometimes they tell you not to tell or...I think though that if you go into to much detail you would scare her, and you'd also end up having a lot more of a talk. Like THE talk...
Kids, and really most adults, have a comfort level and know when something feels off. As children we tend to ignore it when an adult with power or even curiosity make us think twice. I think it is important to tell all kids, and even adults, that if you feel uncomfortable than you should remove yourself from the situation and as children tell someone you trust.
One thing I learned not to long ago was that "stranger danger" was no longer the best wayto avoid problems. Many "experts" now think that teaching kids to be aware when they feel things are...off....to do something, anything, everything. Run, kick, scream, throw things, throw tantrums, etc...
I'm not real sure that telling her what you went through would be the best course of action at this time. I understand that you want to protect her and I know that even though she is really young it could happen. However, telling her may scare her in ways you didn't intend such as, if mom (who is all powerful) couldn'tstop it how can I? Maybe the best lesson here would be to make sure she knows to tell someone so that she doesn't end up feeling the way you did, at least for now.
I certainly think that talking with her is a really really good idea, the content just has to be heavenly evaluated and should change over time. At this age you want them to understand that there are, sadly, people out there that hurt other people, and at 16 you would want to be sure that she understood date rape, when entering college it would be good to help your children understand what can happen when lots of alcohol is involved.
Jess-your so smart, and I know that you will make a good and lasting impression. I feel like I have said way too much here. Follow your heart, your a good mama!
This is talked A LOT about at school. Merceydeis came home with a great genuine understanding of abuse (whether it be sexual, verbal, physical or emotional). Many schools do such a good job of teaching kids to "trust their instincts" or to "not being afraid to say no" or to "stay away from strangers" or to "tell someone when you're hurt" and so on....
Then, at home, we just emphasize what she has learned.
Hate Is NOT a Family Value.
I've emphasized to my children that they can talk to me about anything, even things someone else tells them they have to keep a secret. I told Kris that it's naughty for anyone to tell him he must keep a secret if he feels bad about it or if someone has been hurt in any way, including himself or another friend.
I think that trust is so important, that a child knows there's someone safe for them to go to when something troubles them.
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on Aug. 4, 2009 at 11:58 PM