I officially ended things with my now ex a month ago. He has battled depression since before we met and is a part of the reason things got so bad. He's now constantly threatening to leave and or kill himself. I dont want to invovle myself in what is now his drama, but we have kids...I dont know what to do. Do I keep the kids away from him, which would totally mess them up as we work alternating shifts and both keep them. Do I offer support? I need this to be over with. I need to not have to carry him anymore.
Half vent, half looking for any help.
Wow, i do feel for you. First thing, is you can't change him...it is up to him if he wants to get better...all you can do is provide support, suggestions, etc..but he needs to be the one willing to do the work. Is he in therapy? You are doing what is best for yourself and your kids. He needs to want to get better, you can't make him change. Also, I've dealt with this with my ex, him blaming me that he would kill himself...first thing, you aren't the problem they are his problems he is trying to guilt you...its really a cry for help not so much he wants to kill himself...but that too can be dangerous to deal with because a suicidal person can turn homicidal as well..you need to be careful around that too...they are threats, so with any threat, if he says this, tell him you will call the mental health centers on him...tell him if he says this to you, you will take it serious and do what you can to save his life...
to me, it seems he needs to work on himself, and you have your hands full....those kids and you will just suffer having to take care of him in the way he is..his emotional state. The kids see this as well and will eventually start asking you questions about him. Also this type of behavior can lead to abuse (even if its emotional, which it sounds like it is...) you don't need this extra stress and don't deserve how he is treating you.
Remember you can't do it all, helping him (especially someone depressed,) sometimes makes things worse and them more dependant on you, emotionally he can't give back to you, so that will leave you feeling drained and unable to take care of yourself and your kids. Try to get his family or friends involved in trying to help him in his recovery (if he chooses to do so) it takes more than just one to help someone who is majorly depressed.
I hope things change for the better.
All the best, ~Desi
Oh shit, that's a tough spot to be in. I really have no advice, as anything I say to do might just make things worse.
I'd hate for you to have to be burdened with his shit forever, but on the other hand, I'd hate for you to ignore it and have something happen to your kids.
Do you think you could try to make counseling a stipulation for visitation when you work out custody? Might need to have a guardian ad litem involved in the case, but it would probably be worth it for your peace of mind.
- alwaysmom98
on Sep. 20, 2009 at 3:10 PM