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Children's Dad has BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, need advice!!

Posted by on May. 8, 2009 at 7:59 PM
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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost ten years and have three wonderful children. I had just recently decided that i needed to take the kids and move to another state b/c i feel that they have been through too much seeing their dad's and mom's relationship. I feel that my son needs counceling b/c he's the one that is old enough to know what is going on and i feel that he acts just like his dad in every way behavior wise and it scares me. My relationship has been to the point many times when i have feared for my life or his b/c of his unstability. I have told him for a long time that he needed help but he wouldn't do it, even though he thought that it was "just" depression. The other night however I told him that i couldn't keep putting the kids through this all the time and that we were going to move, he lost it and tried to hang himself out in the front yard. Luckily the rope wasn't knotted right and his mom and sister were there b/c his mom caught him from jumping off the picnic table. He was taken to a mental hospital for treatment and have just diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder and he says that this discribes everything wrong in our relationship with him not trusting, not wanting affection, saying hateful things, saying that he wants me to die and that he just wants me to leave and that he then always begs me to stay. I have read the signs and symptoms and this does describe everything he does. What I am concerned about is the kids and him not staying with therapy and keeping on his medication and everything going back to the way it has been. He begs me not to abandon him, that i need to stay by his side and support him and be there for him so that he doesn't fall. What worries and scares me is that he will fall even is i am here and the kids will be there in the crossfire. I do feel like i am abandoning him and it is tearing me up inside, it's not an easy decision and one that I wish that I never had to make but I don't want my kids to keep experiencing these behaviors either. Does anyone please have any enlightening advice on this matter? I need to try and come to a conclusion as i was planning on leaving the 11th of this month. I pray that someone can share with me something that will help in my decision making. God Bless You ALL

 

 

by on May. 8, 2009 at 7:59 PM
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Debbie1422
by New Member on May. 9, 2009 at 6:06 PM

whoa boy that's a lot to deal with... i know... been there done that... My ex husband, I believe has BPD and bipolar. This was over 20 years ago, and I just thought it was him being a phsyical/emotional/verbal abuser. My daughter witnessed things she never should have as well as being the victim of his abuse, mostly emotional/verbal. At one point when he was fighting with everyone in his family it became physical with his dad, when we left I finally approached the subject of him seeing someone to get some help/medication, etc... but he just blew up, nothing wrong with him as far as he was concerned it was the world around him. I finally had enough, and though it was really hard, we divorced. Part of the problem with that was, I was afraid to leave my daughter alone with him in visitation... I tried telling the court that, but got no where. Wasn't until he phycially abused her in a mall that ended his visitation. She was 11.

About 2 1/2 years ago, my daughter then 15, started showing a lot of the same traits as my exhusband. She went back and forth with turning on the world or turning on herself.  It took a long time, but she was finally hospitalized when she was 16 and diagnosed with numerous disorders, but was told she was a "text book case" of BPD. She seemed to finally accept the diag. when she was released, and started DBT therapy. It helped a lot. It stopped her cutting/burning, and slowed her from acting on her impulses, etc.

At this time, she feels she's okay, and doesn't need anymore help...she knows the skills, but doesn't seem to be using them as much, so things are kind of slipping... there may be another visit to the hospital in the near future... but through these years of talking to therapists, doctors, other patients... I realized my exhusband must have suffered from these same disorders... I tried talking to him about it, but he finds it all insulting. Doesnt' believe in disorders, etc...  He's now on his third wife in 5 years...

No one can tell you what to do... I wish I had a magic answer for you. It is very hard on children. I believe my daughter had the biological pre dispostion to BPD/bipolar but with living with her dad, the enviorment she was in... she never had a chance. Her thinking patterns/distorted thinking from her childhood is something that will take years to unravel...

The difference with your situation is your boyfriend does realize he has a problem. Is he still in therapy? Has anyone mentioned DBT to him? It's not a quick fix.. it takes time. If you feel he's honestly trying by taking his meds., therapy, and USING the therapy, etc.  then I'd say give him a chance to work on himself. If you and the kids are in danger, if he's threatening to stop with the help he's getting, etc... then get the hell out. I do think it's a good idea to get your kids into therapy... and you too... whether you stay or not.

Maybe give him the ultimatum, you WILL leave if he ever stops his meds or therapy. No excuses. No one more chances... but you have to mean it. If you feel you're there already then by all means go ahead with your plan... but be strong. You've done what you can. He has to want to get better, for himself, you and your kids. It might take you leaving for him to do that.

Good luck & God bless... Debbie
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