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My answer to the questions "Why...?" and "When...?"

Posted by on May. 31, 2009 at 1:38 AM
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So many times I see postings on here asking "Why is this happening?" or "When will it get easier?" or "When will I stop crying or hurting?" And tonight while I was sitting here reading posts, it occurred to me that we are all grieving the loss of our marriage, the loss of our hopes and dreams that will never materialize with our exes, and even the loss of our partner, friend, lover, etc. In that, you must realize that there are stages of grief that we all must go thru.

Stage 1: Shock & Denial
Stage 2: Pain & Guilt
Stage 3: Anger & Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression, Reflection, Lonliness
Stage 5: The Upward Turn
Stage 6: Reconstruction & Working Thru
Stage 7: Acceptance & Hope

You'll bounce around in stages 1, 2 and 3 for a while. You'll touch onto stage 4 a little and eventually we move onto stages 5,6 and 7. Sometimes you'll waiver and maybe even backstep, but eventually you'll keep moving forward because that is how life sustains us.

Here comes the part about my brainstorm....

Acceptance is a long way off for some. But you need to realize this: we wont achieve acceptance in a moment. And by resisting the changes that are occuring in our lives, we prolong the time when acceptance will happen for us. We waste our time and energy and make things harder on ourselves by resisting, repressing and denying. Until you stop doing it, you wont realize how much energy you were wasting on it or how free you will feel once you do stop.

Repressing our thoughts will not make them disappear. Think about them. Let them sit within you while you're "in the moment" (feeling) and then let them go. Visualize them going up into the sky like a balloon, if you need to.

Resisting our feelings will not free us from them either. Instead they swirl up inside us, torment us and make us sick. Feelings are totally in the moment. You dont know ahead of time what feeling is coming next. But a new one is always ahead. The more quickly we accept a feeling, the more quickly we'll move onto the next.

Denying a situation by keeping hope that it will have a different outcome is also a way we pause ourselves from reaching acceptance. In denial, we fail to release the negative feelings and thoughts that hinder change. We're so afraid of change that we grasp at holding onto what we are comfortable with and know. However, once we stop denying, we can truly feel and think positive feelings and thoughts again propelling us into stages 5 and 6, and onto acceptance.  

If we accept who we are, and the circumstances we are in... we become empowered to change and grow into the people we were meant to be. Acceptance allows us to make new changes (positive or negative) and move forward.

How do we accept our circumstances? For anything to change, or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others and the circumstances exactly as they are. Then we need to take it one step further and be grateful for ouselves or our circumstances. And last, we add in a touch of faith by saying "I know this is exactly the way its sposed to be for the moment."

By reaching acceptance, we end the grieving process and can move on with our lives in whatever direction the change sent us. We all have a purpose of our own and its within us as human beings to strive for it.

Well, that's my brainstorm in a nutshell. I hope it was enlightening to some of you.  :-)

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others and my circumstances. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.

by on May. 31, 2009 at 1:38 AM
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by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 12:46 AM

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Your post was comforting to me. Thanks!

by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 12:45 PM

Quoting Nancy68:

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Your post was comforting to me. Thanks!

Thank you! And Im glad I was able to say something to someone that maybe helped, if only a little. :-)  I hope you have a easy, and peaceful day.

by New Member on Oct. 14, 2011 at 2:19 AM
that was totally what i needed to hear i didnt know some of those like bargening were a part of the grieving process. And i am struggling with acceptence right now, i felt the other first steps and everyday i think i am getting more out of denial and accepting what is happening, i didnt realize it was part of the healing process so it is really helpful to put a name to what i am feeling and to know i am on the right track and to know its normal so thank u
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