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Unable to be alone

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2007 at 1:01 PM
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Hi Moms,
I'm new to CafeMom and this is my first post. Let me see if I can sum up my recent situation concisely.  My husband had been living a 2nd life online (he was supposedly a widower whose wife had commit suicide from post partum depression, he was a single dad and was going through chemo... none of it true).  He did this for about a year and a half out of our 4+ year marriage (we were HS sweethearts, married in 2002 once we completed college).  I found out about all of this in November 2006. He left when it 'hit the fan'. He had been fairly emotionally absent for most of our relationship, but it was more about who he was than about having a problem. Little did we know. He left on Nov. 8th and by Thanksgiving he got a woman that he works with pregnant. They're still together and just had their baby about a week ago. She's in her 40s, he and I are late 20s.  He has been diagnosed bipolar and has been suicidal and unstable. He's better now, but I'm so glad I've been released from his life. He and I were officially divorced in April of this year.

Ok, so since it was such a bomb, I felt like I got hit hard and then moved on fairly quickly. I was a stay-at-home mom and totally oblivious to his issues. I think that made it easy for me to let of ANY responsibility for the downfall of my marriage.  I've reflected and realize that I was not a perfect wife, but by no means did I deserve his junk.

I actually dated a man (older) for 6 months.  I just broke up with him last week because he was getting too serious for me and actually was starting to display some anger issues and other mental health concerns! Been there, done that! No thanks right now.  We're still in contact...

OK, so here's the thing-- I want to date again! I feel like I need to take time for myself, but I don't want to! I want to have male companionship. Does that make me weak? I've been so strong for my kids through all of this, I know that. I'm very independent, strong-willed (read: stubborn), intelligent and easy-going.  I know the kids and I will be okay, no matter what....

BUT how come I can't be alone??? Should I force myself to be alone???
Time to read up on the other posts... Thanks for reading!!
by on Aug. 26, 2007 at 1:01 PM
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by on Aug. 27, 2007 at 1:01 PM
You wrote: "OK, so here's the thing-- I want to date again! I feel like I need to take time for myself, but I don't want to! I want to have male companionship"

Nothing is wrong with you, nobody wants to be alone.

It sounds like you need time to get over your divorce first. But you do not have to force yourself to be completely alone while you do that. You can go on a date now and then!

by on Sep. 23, 2007 at 11:48 AM
Good Morning morty924~
First, I am truly sorry that you had to go through this - especially being high school sweethearts.  If your ex doesn't get help (and men are SO bad at admitting they "need" help and then DOING what the doctor says...been there done that myself...), I'm afraid that he's going to be in for a long and not so fun life - not to mention those around him.  Second, I agree, just because you go out on a date doesn't mean that it has to be serious, but be honest and upfront with the person, that you want to take things nice and slow.  I can very, VERY much understand not wanting to be alone - be super happy that you have your children with you.  My stbx left in 10/05 with our two young children, and his father has made some wise investments, not to mention he's a work horse (my father-in-law --- NOT my stbx), and so he was able to hire my stbx a very good lawyer and my stbx and lawyer told the judge and law guardian such outrageous things about me that I actually wound up having SUPERVISED visits with my children - and no, I do not sleep around, drink - well rarely - or ever do any sort of illegal drugs, etc.)!!!  So, I am totally alone, with no reason to get up in the a.m.  I was a SAHM and LOVED every single second of it - my children are the reason I breath, so this has been a torturous couple of years.  I even wound up losing my famiy's home due to my stbx and his father (I inherited it before I even MET my husband).  So, I can definitely imagine what you are going through.  I haven't dated at all since my stbx left - no interest.  The trust has been lost.  As girls we are brought up to believe that men only want "one thing", and I've found that to be very true, unfortunately.  Plus, I don't trust myself - being so lonely, I'm afraid that I may fall for the next decent guy that comes along, only to find out what I did with my stbx.  I do believe that there ARE some good/decent men out there - so I pray that you find one.  Just be cautious.  Good luck and keep us posted.

by on Oct. 27, 2007 at 1:32 PM

I'm so sorry you had to go through that being so young.  I went through the same thing several years ago with my husband who met someone online also and is to this day still with that person and we now have been divorced for 5 yrs this past April and just from my job working at the police dept have heard all the stories just like yours.  From what you wrote, it sounds like you took care of the house & the kids while he worked and have not had time to take time out for you and now in addition to still having to take care of your children you have to now also work.  I did the same thing but also worked part time the days and hours they were in school then had to go back to full time.  If you have always been the primary caregiver in your childrens life they will know how much you love & care for them and will understand you getting out on your own once in a while.  If they have not been staying with friends or relatives at times you should start letting them be with others more and when they are gone you need to get out and have your own fun.  If you happen to meet someone and it starts getting serious start doing little things together with your kids & that new person.  You still need to do your own things with your kids to let them know that you still love them and are there for them and also have enough love for someone else in your life.  The one thing you always have to remember is never leave your kids out of the picture for someone else.  If they already don't see one parent all the time they will start thinking that the remaining parent will do the same thing and then they will start acting negative and end up in trouble.  They will want your attention whether it is negative or not as long as you are paying some kind of attention to them.   I have 2 teens & when they are gone for the weekends I may go out but when they are home I do things with them.  They see their father with someone else and how he does not spend any time with them even when they are at this house.  They know I am there for them 24 hrs a day even if I am out with someone else and they even call me if they are sick or need something when they are with their daddy.  I am still alone just because I always seem to end up finding guys that want me to support them and then there is my work schedule that people can't deal with.
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