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Group Member Introductions

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2007 at 3:53 AM
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Tell us about yourself. What has your experience been with starting over?
by on Mar. 4, 2007 at 3:53 AM
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Replies (1-7):
myrrh
by Group Owner on Mar. 4, 2007 at 3:58 AM
Hello. My name is Ruth. I started this group because I have recently separated from my parter of 25 years and it is a huge adjustment! I am glad to be starting over - I initiated the separation - but find that i need lots of encouragement and support. I would imagine that is true for all of us, and that is what I hope to offer and recieve through this group.

I am starting over from scratch: no money, no job, no car, no phone. The only "advantage" I have is that my kids are grown.

meme_blue_eyes
by on May. 29, 2007 at 11:41 AM

Hi! My name is Pam. I am 49 years old and I am a little different in my starting over experience.
I was married for 22 years to an abusive, cheating alcoholic. He did eventually stop drinking, abusing, but not cheating. The problem was that I was in the depths of a cycle, because I didn't know any better. My Dad was exactly like my husband. I'm sure you all know of this type of cycle.
Anyway, after the kids were out on their own, I decided that I had nothing left to tie me to the marriage, and I started by finding an attorney and moving into one of the spare bedrooms.
I am not one to believe in taking up dating right away, but I had joined a website called Classmates.com. I found a classmate that I had dated in high school, and to be quite truthful, had regretted breaking up with. We talked for a few weeks and then decided to meet up with each other.
To make a long story short, this relationship was obviously meant to be. I packed up everything that would fit in my car and hit the road. I never went back and I have not regretted one minute of it.
Here's my problem...Now that I am in a normal relationship, and I have everything that I never had before, love, trust, support, even a decent home, my depression and anxiety are even harder to keep under control. I think that I have let alot of walls down and sort of come out of survival mode, so I'm very confused at this point. I'm thinking that some therapy may be in order? I feel so resentful and angry that I am having this problem, does anyone have any experience or input for this type of situation?

myrrh
by Group Owner on Jun. 5, 2007 at 10:12 PM
Therapy is always a good idea when you're feeling depressed and/or anxious. Are you on meds?
DivaPrincessa
by on Jun. 6, 2007 at 10:16 AM
I'm new to this group. I'm 38 with a 13 year old and a 19 year old college student. I am currently seperated from an abusive husband. I called the police for the last ime on April 19th. I'm glad to ne free from him physically. Starting over is hard and scary. I have no job as I have been a SAHM since 1993. I have no job skills and no car. No family. The future looks bleak.
AndresGabriel
by New Member on Nov. 4, 2007 at 11:58 PM

Hi Ladies I am new to this group....so I go!
I am a mother to a 14 month old baby boy. His father and I were inlove and had the perfect relationship until one day things just started to change. He wasn't himself anymore. He would stay out all night which he would never do and if he did he would call and let me know where he was. Well one night he didn't call and so on. I would stay up all night and complain when he got home the next morning. He always promised not to do it again. He did. One day he just said he didn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore. I was stunned! We weren't married but we had plans, no rush you know. Why did he wait until after we had a son to feel that way???? My pregnancy was planned! We had been trying for 3 months when I got pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than life and I take very good care of him! And his father is an good father, he could offer more support as far as taking care of him but hey. We both wanted a child more than anything and we got him. He's my angel!....... So anyway he moved back to his parents house. We can barely get along now. I'm so filled with anger towards him, myself for letting myself fall in love, for taking so much of his bullshit and never putting my foot down and for missing him. I don't even think he cares about me anymore or misses me. I miss what we had but I have to move on. So that's where I am....moving on, healing and growing. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger right? I sure hope so.  I hope I didn't bore you guys! Thanks for reading this.

                   

                A TRUE ROCKSTAR!!!

           



sharontx
by New Member on Jan. 12, 2008 at 8:38 AM
Hello there ladies!  I'm new to the group (obviously!) and am in need of a lot of support as I start my life over.  I am 38, was married for nearly 18 years and with him for 22 years.  The biggest problem in our relationship was that it was toxic for both of us from the beginning, but because we both came from crappy childhoods we just kind of latched on to each other.  I think he latched on to me because he has always been a caretaker and I needed to be taken care of.  I latched on to him because he was the first person in my life who seemed to really know me and love me anyway.  I was everything in my parents lives until I was 4 and my younger brother was born.  Then I pretty much ceased to exist for my mother, and my father was always traveling on business or working late hours and sleeping during the day.  I have never had any self esteem or self confidence, have never been independent and have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my adult life.  I am pretty sure I was suffering from post partum depression after our daughters were born, but I had no idea and I never got treatment for it.  So I turned inward and away from him, and for a good portion of their childhood he was more or less a single dad.  He cheated on me about 13 years ago, and that made the depression even worse and I turned away even more.  The last 12 years of our marriage we were pretty much nothing but roommates, but I was so co-dependent and dependent on him in general that I couldn't face the thought of leaving him.  And he (regardless of what he says) still cared enough for me that it was hard for him to leave even though he started to about 4 or 5 times.  All I had to do was cry and beg and promise to get help and change and he came back.  This final time I don't even know when he would have left if I hadn't asked him what was going on.  We separated in May 2007 and our divorce was final in October.  In many ways I am doing much, much better than I ever thought I would, but in some ways I am not.  I have virtually no friends whatsoever and so have no one to talk to on a daily basis about my feelings and what I'm going through.  I have lots of acquaintances, but most of those people don't really want to get involved in my life.  I do see a therapist every other week (all I can afford) and that is helping quite a bit.  But I still have serious self esteem and confidence issues that I have GOT to get worked through or I will never be able to be happy.  We have joint custody of our daughters, but our 14 year old lives with me pretty much full time, visiting with him on weekends; and our 16 year old with him pretty much full time, visiting with me one weekend and the last weekend of each month.  He has started seeing someone pretty seriously, and it appears to me that for the first time ever, our children are taking a backseat to his personal life and that shocks me.  I have always felt that he was a great dad and never expected him to treat our girls the way he is currently.  Last night our 16 year old told me she would be home around 10pm, but by 12:30 was not home and she was unreachable on her cell.  I tried to call him for about 20 minutes before he finally answered the phone and I lost it.  This is not the first time he "hasn't heard the phone cuz we're in a loud place" and I find that unacceptable.  We got into it, and now I'm seriously thinking of going back to court for full custody.  But I am really afraid to do that because we agreed to a very generous spousal support (he makes 5 times what I make) and I'm afraid I might lose that if we go back to court because Texas does not automatically award spousal support.  I am totally stressed out in my personal life, and it is actually starting to affect my work and that scares the heck out of me because I was a SAHM for most of the last 10 years and my resume is not very good.  I can't lose this job and I don't want to because I really love it and I owe my boss a lot because he took a chance on me when I couldn't find anyone else who would.  Oh, yeah, and I've gone back to school since we split up - full time trying to get my bachelor's out of the way before our 14 year old graduates from high school.  My life is very busy, but in so many ways I have not been dealing with the reality of my situation. 

Whew!  Sorry for the novel and thanks for reading if you got this far!

sharon

"A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there is less of you." - Margaret Atwood

used2Bcool
by on Jan. 30, 2008 at 1:20 PM

I joined this group a little while ago, knowing I would be starting over soon.  I was separated from my husband of 14 years (together 21) for 9 months.  He said he loved me, but wasn''t in love with me.  We've had the usual stresses in a marriage, money, house, kids.... but I was always so madly in love with him, I never thought there was anything we couldn't make it through.  He left me a note saying he was spending the weekend at his Dad's in May & never moved back home.

We've been going through various stages of trying, dating, therapy.  He never seemed to give it a REAL try even though he'll argue that point with me.  He says there is nobody else, but I'm not sure I believe him.  I think he is going through a mid-life crisis.  He was WONDERFUL to me for 20 years, then his best friend died.  Now he is selfish & sometimes arrogant.

Since I wanted so desperately for us to reconcile, I put up with  things I never thought I would.  He'd spend "his weekend" with the kids here at the house & yes in my bed.  Then he'd be nowhere to be found on my weekends.  Until two weeks ago, we had no real set schedule, we still acted as a married couple, just not living in the same house.  Once I put my foot down, demanded a set schedule & no more "sleepovers" everything changed.  Since he could no longer have his cake & eat it too, he told me he was done yesterday.


I am monumentally crushed!  We've been together since I was 17 years old.  I have no idea how to be an adult without him.  We waited to have children.  He promised me I'd never be a single Mom, but here I am.... raising two boys ages 4 & 6.  I thank god every day for them.  At the same time I thought I could give them a whole family to grow & thrive in.


I am at the beginning of this long & painful journey.  I used to be a happy, optimistic & outgoing person.  Now I am being treated for depression & panic attacks.  I often like to shut out the outside world for a week at a time.  This is something my best friend of 20 years wouldn't tolerate, so she no longer speaks to me.

I am in therapy, thankfully!  I know I'll make it through.... I just love my husband so much, it's excruciating to know we won't be living happily ever after.

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