Hello, I am so glad I found this group... I am hoping that maybe through sharing with other Moms who lost their babies, we all can heal together...
My boyfriend and I had been expecting our first baby, a girl that we named Sophia. My whole pregnancy had been a rough one, I had been diagnosed with diabetes, had some blood pressure issues, as well as platlets issues throughout the whole 9 months, and even though my baby was quite a large one, everything was going ok when it came to her. She was such an active baby, kicking and squirming all the time in there, stretching me out as much as she could, her heart seemed to be working just fine, she hated ultrasounds though, always shying away when the drs wanted to look at her. I remember one incident when the dr had sent me to the hospital to look at her fluid levels that when the tech tried to look at the flow of her cord, she reached up, grabbed it and turned around. My little girl had attitude.
So it seemed strange to me when I wasnt feeling her move as much as normal. Granted, she had her moments before where she wouldnt move for an hour or so and I would get worried and right when I was about to pick up the phone and call the dr, she would kick me a couple times and let me know she was ok. But this time something was wrong, I felt it, but I figured the dr would say that it was because she was so big that she was just running out of room so I waited because I had a drs appointment that morning. Now looking back, I wish I would have just called, why didnt I? Why did I let my stupid brain talk me out of what I was feeling? But, I waited and I went the next morning and told the lady at the front why I was there an hour earlier than I was supposed to be. They ended up making me wait anyway, then they took me back to the ultrasound machine and looked at her and I held my breath. But she had a heartbeat, she was breathing but she wasnt moving so she called the dr in and she told me to go to the hospital. So I went and grabbed my boyfriend and we went. We knew the routine, get undressed, pee in the cup and the nurse would be with you. Since it was so early Justin decided to go get a bite to eat since I had got him out of bed and came right to the hospital. He left and I waited for the nurse and she came in. She tried to find Sophias heartbeat with the monitor first, but couldnt so she went and grabbed the ultrasound machine since both the dr and I had told her there was a hearbeat at the drs office. She looked and then said she was gonna get someone who knew how to use the machine better. She got the tech, he introduced himself and looked. He concentrated and then asked me to lay back more. He looked.... then he called another dr in and by this time I knew something was up so I was trying to look at the screen but the dr had me lay back further and after a minute he said the words that I have forever ringing in my ears. "Theres something wrong with the baby, we cant find a heartbeat."
I asked him what, I started to cry and I asked him if he was sure, I asked him to look again and the next minutes were a blur... I couldnt understand, she was FINE just an hour prior! I dont understand still... I dont remember them wheeling me into another room but they did and they asked me what Justins name was so they could page him, I told them and just cried and cried... I couldnt understand, I couldnt believe, there was no way! Justin came in and I tried to tell him but I couldnt say it aloud to him and so the nurse told him and he asked her if they were sure and he just sat down. What he did next I dont know, I just remember turning to the wall and sobbing and sobbing and sobbing... my baby, my daughter was gone and I didnt know what to do. Why had this happened? What did I do? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being punished for the sins of my past? Why me? Why MY daughter?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY!?
The next couple hours were a blur of a horrible phone call to my Mom in California (we are in FL), the nurses telling my in-laws who had arrived at the hospital shortly after we did. People arriving, my dr telling me what the next steps were, but all I could think of was my angel. Why had she been taken from me? Did she suffer? What happened? Were they SURE? They finally wheeled me in the back to take her via c-section.
Sophia Alexis was born past 6 in the evening weighing 11 pounds and 7 ounces. Big girl... they cleaned her up and dressed her and brought her to me after I was wheeled out of surgery. She was absolutley beautiful... and even though I cried over her, I marveled at just how beautiful she was, how she looked so much like me with her head full of black hair with blonde highlights (she must have heard the fights over her hair color) and her chubby cheeks and hands that were identical to mine but lips like her Daddys. She was breathtaking....
We held a viewing service for her a couple days later after I was released from the hospital and everyone important to me showed up. She looked so peaceful but in my heart I was crushed. I dont understand why my beautiful daughter was taken from me. What did I do wrong? That was all I could ask myself over and over again. I wasnt supposed to be crying tears of sorrow, I was supposed to be crying tears of joy! Why has God done this to me? I dont think I will ever know...But what I do know is that Sophia would have wanted me to be happy, she wants me to think of her and not cry... I know this in my head and heart but my heart is not ready to listen yet. But like I said, I feel its what Sophia would want....so here I am. I am writing and hopefully healing at the same time.
on Apr. 25, 2008 at 7:07 PM