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At my wits end

Posted by on May. 4, 2007 at 1:10 PM
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Ok. I just joined this group today. I am a 34 yr old sahm. We have 5 boys ages 8-14. My husband has pretty much battled alcohol since he was a teenager. He wasnt drinking at all when we married. We have been married for 15 yrs now. He quit drinking altogether about 12 yrs ago. He said it was becoming a problem for him and he quit. He started occasionally drinking again after about 3 or 4 years. About 2 years ago he started going out once a week with his buddy to the bar. I hated it and didnt have a problem telling him so. Didnt matter. Finally he quit doing that but then started staying after work to drink with his co-workers. It has basically progressed since then and we are now at the point where he is drinking probably 4 out of 5 week days and all weekend. He doesnt get drunk everytime but pretty close to it. Its gotten so bad that he passed out in my brothers back yard and had a black out. Doesnt remember doing something, even 5 minutes after doing it. He doesnt take anything I say about the matter seriously and Im at the point to where I dread him coming home. He is even buying beer when I tell him we dont have the money. He has NEVER done that before. I am really afraid that something bad is going to happen and everything is out of my control. I know you cant tell an alcoholic he has a problem but I feel like if i dont say anything now  I will regret it later. I have done everything imaginable. yell, cry, plead, not saying anything, I am afraid its going to come down to legally making him leave. He isnt physically violent with me or the kids but I have replaced alot of furniture and telephones in the past. OH by the way,,,,his dad was an alcoholic. He has been going to AA for years. His mother has even said stuff to me because she is concerned with him and she hasnt seen the worst or even close to it. I am reallly even thinking of calling and talking to her for advice on how to deal with it and how her husband finally realized he needed help. But i am soooo afraid of opening that can of worms with my MIL. I dont know.
Stressed to the Max is an understatement.
by on May. 4, 2007 at 1:10 PM
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Replies (1-6):
WackyKacky
by New Member on May. 4, 2007 at 1:39 PM
I feel your pain believe me I do. I have been married 13 years to an alcoholic. Both of his parents were alcoholics as well. He has checked himself into rehab twice and still drinks 7 days a week. I keep praying for him and going to church hoping that he sees what he is doing. Like you I have begged, pleaded and cried til I am begged, pleaded and cried out. I figure the only thing that is going to help is God is going to have to teach him a lesson to wake him up so he sees what he is doing. My Husband is not violent, he just puts his drinking first. I have to hide my car keys, my purse and lock up the kids piggy banks to keep him from taking money from us. I also have his debit card and check our bank account daily to see if he has taken any out. I have been buying his beer for him and giving him a certain amount each day and I tell him if he runs out before it is time for me to refresh the supply he will just have to do without. We have been separated several times. He is a good provider financially and never misses work. On the other hand he has lost a couple of jobs due to him either drinking on the job or having the smell of it on his breath. I have turned him over to God and pray that he has his way with him. I can't and won't stress out about it anymore. I have my days where I doubt and get mad as a wet hen. But I try not to lose my faith in God to take the wanting of the beer away from him. I hope this helps you to know that you are not the only one in this situation.
God bless You
Cathy in KY
tinkerhel-n
by Group Owner on May. 7, 2007 at 5:33 PM
We are not alone. It is nice to know that we are not the only people going through this. Please don't lose faith. I know how hard it is to keep it, but we must. I believe the devil is controling them. He gives them what they want (the drunk feeling) and then expects payment. We are the payment. The hurt we feel. The doubts we have. He loves it. And believe it or not, our husbands feel lousy for doing it. They do. But, for what ever reason, they can't fight it.  And the devil love that too. So we need to stay strong and have faith and not let the devil win.
As for the ML, this is tricky. Mine has said things to him and says she is behind me, but remember they are still their sons. No one wants to hear bad things about thier kids. It puts us on the defensive. They will start to make excuses and say things like, "It is all the stress he's under"! What!!!!!! We are under stress. But, I think this can go both ways. Ask for help, but try not to ruffle feathers. The last thing you want is anyone helping the alcoholic with finding excuses for themselves.  You understand what I mean. I don't know if I am making sense or not. But I hope this helps.
God bless us all and may he help us through another day!
angelle2832
by New Member on May. 12, 2007 at 4:21 PM
I know how you feel. my boyfriend of four year is an alcoholic. it is as bad but i believe that it is getting worst. now he is starting to lie about his drinking. however he know that he needs help. we have a beautiful daughter and believe me i have tried everything. i have cried. plead, and he still do it. all you have to do is keep your faith in god. and he will help you in your time of need. please if you all have any advice please let me know.
Hugabug
by on May. 15, 2007 at 10:35 AM
Hello............
I want to tell you you are not alone here.I got on this post a few weeks back and was looking for some one that understands me-and my husband.
I truely love my husband and he has many great qualities and is a hard worker ect.But the hold alcoholism has on him is more than I can bear at times -which is why I was looking for someone to chat with.Sometimes I am ready to leave that day and others I say I will never leave him.
My spiritual views are for me and are a way for me to take care of myself....
I struggle with saying that all I need to do is pray more and that the devil makes him do it.....because it doesnt hold him accountable-puts his wrongs into my hands-by not praying enough- and into the devils because..........he makes him do it? Wheres my husbands accounability then? (If that makes any sence.)
I do have faith and believe that life will change....either by my husbands actions or whatever actions I choose to take when I decide to.
Either way if you want a friend to talk to I am here with no convictions or judgements as no one is in your shoes but you with your husband.There are times when I hate alcohol so much for having grips on someone I love so much-but I also have 4 kids and 3 grandkids that love him to peices and he is good to.So, for now I live with two sides. I understand your struggle and the pain .R.
tinkerhel-n
by Group Owner on May. 21, 2007 at 10:12 AM
Hi All,
Don't get me wrong. I am not taking the accountability from my husband. Far from it. God gives us choices. So does the devil. He puts it in front of them. They can choose to take it or leave it. That is thier  choice. I don't buy the "devil made me do it" theory either. No one can make you do anything you don''t want to, but I guess my belief is that he puts it out there. He thrives on what happens when they take the bait.
I too struggle sometimes to believe that if I pray more, things will change. I pray for strength. I pray for God to protect my family and my husband during his drunken times. I pray because it is something I do for me.
My husband of 21 years is the love of my life. A harder worker I have never met! When he is on a dry spell, I feel like newlyweds. He makes my heart skip a beat when he looks at me a smiles. I know I could never leave this man. He is the father of my four children. He is my soul-mate. But, then there is the other guy. The guy who doesn't think of me and his children first. The guy who gives into temptation to feel that high! That feeling he loves soooo much. That man I really despise. That man I want to leave. I have asked him to go several times in the last year, only to take him back in the next 24 hours. Because when he comes to me, he is the first guy.
I sometimes think people who know think I am just weak and a gluten for punishment. But, they don't understand. I think you all understand. You have to live it, to understand it.
I feel such hurt and anger when he is drunk. And I feel it when things bring back memories. Yesterday, we were planting a small vegetable garden, as we do every year. It was fun to do together. But right in the middle of it, as I was looking down at him, I remember last year. We were doing the same thing, except he had been drinking. At first it wasn't so bad, but as we went on, he was yelling and talking stupid. Picking fights. Swearing. I sent the little one inside. He proceed to pick fights. Then I start to tell him to stop. I tell him he is drunk, which only makes it worse. Then he is yelling so loud the neighbors can hear. My f***ing familg. My f***en life. My F***en wife. You get the picture. The memory was so fresh. So was the hurt. I had to turn away and regroup.
Thanks for listening to my thoughts.  Our posts are here for us to read and help us to not feel so alone. We can take from them what we need and leave the rest.
vtmom5boys
by New Member on May. 24, 2007 at 10:36 AM
I am also in a house of 7 with 5 boys ages 3-almost 15!  My SO has also battled alcohol since he was a teenager.  His dad was an alcoholic as well.  He started drinking with his friends when he was 12!  We have only been together for 2 1/2 years but I've had some very difficult times already!

So many times I have heard, "I know I"m an alcoholic, I promise I'll get help".  This usually happens the day after he goes on a binge.  Fortunately, he does not take money from me to buy beer, nor does he go to bars.  He buys it himself and comes home to drink it! 

There are a lot of situations that he knows he needs to stay out of.  He can go sometimes up to 2 months either w/out drinking or only having 1-2 beers per day.  Then he binges....has a six-pack, which I'm sure some of you wouldn't consider binging, but considering how drunk he can get on it....it is for him.

Over a year ago he used to drink a 12-18pack sometimes in one day!  Those were the really tough times.

Like tinkerhel-n said......I love him.  When he doesn't drink, I can't imagine being without him!  When he drinks he becomes a different person that I truely hate and want to be away from.  It's incredibly hard to balance!  I cry a lot!

You're not alone!
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