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Dealing with alcholic, won't listen, getting destructive

Posted by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 10:51 AM
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Hello!  My husband has always drank quite a bit, but has gotten worse.  Lately we have been arguing a lot, and he is getting mouthy and physical.  Not with me or the children (we have 3), but the other night we were arguing and he put his fist through our closet door and then followed me into our boys room and put his hand through it.  They saw it and was scared to death.  This isn't the first time he has did something like that.  He through a dish on the floor last summer and broke it, tore the porch light off of our house out of anger, etc.  He comes home from work and has already been drinking.  He will usually eat a bite of supper, drink one or 2 more, then fall asleep on the couch. So that leaves the kids and I here basically here by ourselves again.  I am a stay at home mom, so am home all day.  I'm not saying he does this all the time, but is getting to be more and more often.  When we have a social gathering, he drinks way to much and then if I complain, he says well we won't have anyone over again.  He puts me down for not liking to be around it, saying I am a fuddy dud!  I have never been scared of him, until lately.  The alcohol takes over and am not sure what he would do.  I try not to say much when he is mouthy like that, but is so hard to sit here and let him put me down when I know it is his problem.  The kids shouldn't have to be put through this.  Any suggestions on how to get through to him?  Or next time he does that, just leave and see how long it takes him to realize he has the problem, not me. 
by on Jun. 20, 2007 at 10:51 AM
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tinkerhel-n
by Group Owner on Jun. 21, 2007 at 8:01 PM

I think your second choice was the only one. I know from experience that nothing you could say will chage anything. The tell themselves that they do nothing wrong and there is nothing w rong with what they are doing. Then they try to make us think that there is something wrong with us. they turn it on us. They have to or they have to deal with it. they don't want to change. They medicate themselves with alcohol. They kids are scared and it will only get worse. Especially, because you see it getting worse. Leave. I know you are saying they don't understand. I am a stay at home mom. I  can't support my kids. But, I do understand. I was a stay at home mom for 19 years. I just went back part-time. You have the best chance now to make a life for yourself. Please do it. And if in the end he realizes that he is losing everything and gets his act together, then you are one of the few lucky ones, I hope and pray that you are. Hugs. stay strong.

Helen

AvaRosesMom
by New Member on Jun. 21, 2007 at 8:50 PM
As the partner of an alcoholic, the best thing to do is to NOT PUT UP WITH THID BEHAVIOR.  You need to leave.  He'll either straighten up, or self destruct and there's nothing you can do to help.
PepsiMom1224
by on Jun. 22, 2007 at 8:49 PM
My husband does not put his fist through walls or anything, but he does like to fight when he is drunk.  One nite he got into a fist fight with my oldest boy (17).  My son did a number on him, believe it or not my husband was impressed with his fighting skills.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!  But like you I am a stay at home mom for 17 years now.  My husband has been drinking heavily for about  for about 7 yrs now.  He has ruined family gatherings, gotten arrested for DUI.  H e goes on & off to AA meetings.  Like your husband, mine does not listen.  He gets angry when I tell him he is drunk.  Last Saturday he was putting a new toilet seat cover in our bathroom.  He passed out on the floor behind the toilet bowl.  I took pics of him on my cell phone.  I will use them one day.  He needs to see what I see.  I do feel your pain, for it is like mine.  I am also afraid to leave him.  Where would I go?  How will I support my children?  How do I start the process?  There are so many questions that we have to answer.  So sweetie in your quest, I shall pray for you.  Keep me posted on your plight and God speed.


Wanda
tinkerhel-n
by Group Owner on Jun. 22, 2007 at 8:55 PM
My son has come close to duking it out with his father. I pray eveytime that it doesn't happen. We wet to  counceling a while back and she told me that if that happened, I could be held liable. She said that knowing how my son feels, I am putting him in a dangerous situation. I started to cry. There i was, sitting in this office with one of my kids, trying to get him support for his anxiety (as I do for the others) and I am the one who would be in trouble!

Helen

samsma2
by New Member on Aug. 27, 2007 at 1:00 PM
I feel for you! When my alcoholic boyfriend moved in with me and my kids, boy was I in for a new way of living.  The constant fighting,  times that the cops have been called to remove him, numerous DUI and an interview with DFYS.  He promised over and over again when the baby is/was born(I was pregnant with his child when he moved in) I will stop.  The only "time" it truly stopped was when he spent 5 days (before chirstmas last year) in jail and I would not bail him out or sign for a bail bondsdman to post bond for him.  He has been in rehab and has been to AA meetings but still continues to drink.   I guess you need to look and see if you are willing to put up with all the fighting....believe me there will be constant fighting if he continues to drink... Has he ever been to AA Meeting?  Do you think he will get violent with you?  If you think he will it might be wise to get out now before the violence starts.  Just my opinion thou.  I wish the best for you.
new_beginning2
by on Aug. 31, 2007 at 9:49 PM
Oh boy. Um Yeah, the fist through the wall was the last straw for me.  Once my stbx lying alcholic showed the first signs of violence it was out with him. I told him he had to leave or would call the police and have him removed.  I own my home (well the bank sends be the bill).  I posted "my story" here and let me tell you 17 years was too long for the kids and me.  It was destructive, humiliating, frustrating, hurtful, anger inducing, gees I could go on.  Then there's the healing process which can be quite scary.  If you are comfortable with crap, change can be hard.  Being happy is hard work. My children and I are still dealing with the loss and disapointment of their father.  He has not lived with us since March and doesn't "get it".  Although he may be nearing "rock bottom" I don't see that he will ever change his way of thinking. It is always "they didn't do this... or they didn't give me that... " Very much the victim. He plays it well.  Losing his family wasn't enough to snap him out of it.  Alcoholism is a disease, one I was no longer willing to subject my children or myself to.  Listen to me. No matter what you do. No matter what you say.  They won't hear you. They can't.  They are incapable of seeing anything other than the bottom of the glass. Your children will suffer more than you can imagine.  Think how embarassed they feel everytime he gets drunk in public or even at home how scared they are.  Focus on what is best for them.  Don't make rash decisions but formulate a plan (don't take forever though) and GET OUT NOW!  I have found great peace and enjoy coming home from work and doing homework in peace and quiet with my dtrs.  I enjoy taking my son to the park when ever I want to. I enjoy coming and going as I please without the cooler in the trunk of the car.  We aren't tied down to the bottle or can. We can do whatever we want whenever we want. We take drives and just explore the areas around us. It is very liberating. I have really gotten to know my children better and our relationship has grown tremendously over the past few months.  My divorce will be final in a month.  He signed the prelim agreement which basically he gave the kids away.  How sad. He didn't even fight for them. He only gets to see them every other Sat with alot of IF's attached and only for 4 hours.  Know that there is such a better life ahead without the alcoholic than with.  I know from experience. I have read many stories and thought "God, did I write that?" Mine is really no different than those that stayed and tried to weather the storm. Just a little flavor added here and there.  email anytime.
wickki
by New Member on Sep. 20, 2009 at 12:07 PM

When the pain and suffering outweighs the happiness factor even slightly or when one (or both) will not make significant profound changes then it is probably time to move on.

I do not believe in the AA excuse of "a disease" and feel that this just gives the drunk more leverage to keep on doing what he likes. It also gives the old relapse excuse. I believe alcoholism and drug addiction are choices. No one makes them bend their elbows and certainly no one makes them spend their last dime on a case or bottle---it is a choice they make. Stopping is the same kind of choice.

Katmr
by New Member on Sep. 20, 2009 at 11:55 PM

I have the same here! Iwould say walk awaynow, but I know that's easier said than done.You can't help him until he helps himself.I'd way pro's and con's.If you fear for your safety it is time to get out! The kids don't need to be in that type of environment. It is not healthy for them. Find out about help groups in your area.Sorry if I wasn't much help.

kathysmile mini

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