Emaleth Josephine makes her way into the world

Emaleth Josephine was born on 10/10/08. She was 7lbs 2oz and 19.75 inches long. Some of this I wrote last year, and I'm adding bits to it now.

I had wanted a home birth.  But my midwife didn't have the confidence in me that I had, which made me question myself. I'm a single mother; I had Emi when I was 23. I was measuring small (9 weeks small) on fundal height. So to please her I went and had way too many ultra sounds (4). They all said that Emi was going to be very tiny. They told me to eat more (final weight gain of 50lbs). I was eating PLENTY before. I didn't "click" with my midwife, but used her because she was the midwife my mother used and my mother said if she couldn't be there please use K. So I did.  My doula was great though and I could have had Emi just fine if it had just been me and her.

I would have UC'd except I knew that I couldn't do it alone. All my life I've drawn energy from others. A true extrovert I couldn't go long without being around other, energetic people. I could survive a month on a good birthday party alone. But I had very little energy of my own. I got drained and tired easily. (I know now it was from food allergies.) I needed the energy of others to help me bring this baby into the world.

On 10/9/08 I lost my mucus plug at about 6am. I had bloody show all day long and contractions that we're erratic. Every 3-30 minutes at varying intensities.

So about 9.30 pm on 10/9/08 I decided to try and sleep. So it took me a little bit, but I finally did. at 10.10 I woke up to the most intense contraction I'd had up until that point. I felt something pop and thought it might be my water, so I got up to check. Wasn't my water, so I figured it was just the scar tissue on my cervix giving way finally.  I had 3 more in about ten minutes and KNEW I couldn't wait any longer. I could NOT do this alone. So I called my midwife, K, around 10.20pm. She said to come on in. I went up stairs where everyone had just gone to bed and told them that there's no rest for the wicked, it was time. Then I woke up my sister. I had to gather some stuff together (because why on earth would I have thought to pack a bag? Lol I think I was still hoping that once the contractions started in earnest I would be OK doing it at home alone) still so we didn't leave until 11. The contractions were coming about every 3-4 minutes at this point.

I HATE laboring in cars. The entire way there I was joking with my dad and sister in the car between contractions. We got there at 11.30pm and I got out of the car and walked in all by myself. K was there waiting with A, her new apprentice(My doula). I danced through contractions for a while with A massaging my back and holding me, and K said she'd check me whenever I wanted, and if I was at 5-6cm she could put me in the tub. So I lay down and she couldn't find my cervix!! Oh the horror. I wanted that tub! She said we could try again in a bit. After I got there, I stopped paying attention to the clock. I went back to dancing through the contractions and K said I may want to try lying down through the contractions, so I don't wear myself out before it's time for the real work. It sounded just awful, but she had a point, I was getting low on energy. I was surfing. Each contraction was a wave and I rode it. It was pretty awesome.

I laid down again and tried to get comfortable. (I think this made my labor go too fast. After I had laid down the waves grew in height and it took all my energy to focus on not "falling off"), A was awesome and rubbed my back, pushed fluids, and let me squeeze her hand to pieces. It took a few contractions, but I started zoning out in between them. I finally found labor land. I tried to talk at one point, but I wasn't making sense. I do remember that in my head I was calm cool and collected between contractions. Since I couldn't talk to anyone else, I was talking to myself between contractions. I mentally told myself that I now understand why women elect to have C-Sections and beg for drugs. When I hit transition I thought, "OK Scotty, you can beam her out of me now". I chuckled a lot inside. I felt a little sad I couldn't share that with everyone. Then my body started pushing. At first it was just little baby pushes that I could almost control, but soon it was great, big, huge, throw your entire body into it pushes. I was afraid because I didn't think I could be ready that fast. Surely it hadn't been that long. I was afraid of pushing too soon and my cervix swelling shut, and well, damn. Then I'd never have this kid! My sister said I was screaming like I was dying. That went on for a while. Maybe, 10-15 contractions, which were still coming about every 2ish minutes(I'm guessing). You can do the math. K had gone to nap some I think leaving me with A. K came back to check me, I didn't want her to. but she said she couldn't let me in the tub until I was 5-6 cm and she didn't want to wait so long I was pushing the baby out before I got in. Oops. When she did check me she said, "Oh. The baby's here. Let's try and get that tub filled." As soon as she got a few inches of water in it, We started to move me to the tub. And my water broke. Anyone seen Coneheads? Where the woman's water breaks and it flooded the house? Yea, that was mine. XD

We got me to the tub finally, and everything slowed down. Or at least, it felt like it. At one point A said something to me, and I looked at her and smiled, and said, "I know you're talking, but I have no idea what you're saying." They all laughed. D, K's assistant, came around then. I have no idea how long I was in there for, just that we got the tub filled and then I reached down and felt her head. THERE WAS HAIR! As I was pushing, I not only knew that I was going to tear, but exactly WHERE I was going to tear. (I remember K having a worried look on her face which made me worry and push harder then I should have. I think if I had just let my body continue pushing I might not have torn so bad. Maybe not, who knows.) I was not happy about that. I finally got her head out, and looked down to see it! Then I think K may have told me not to push, so I didn't but her body just flew out of me anyway. K put her on my chest, and I promptly forgot what was happening/was trying to keep the cord from pulling on my tear and her mouth went under. Her cord was shorter then my torso, so it was a little hard to hold her above water. They got my dad in there and picked me up out of the tub to deliver the placenta on the bed.

She was born at 3.36.am on 10/10/08. 5 hours and 26 minutes after I hit active labor. I was almost in shock I think. Here I was, holding a beautiful, new, little baby. Who screamed for the next 45 minutes(Thank you food allergies!). The placenta came out(easiest part of the entire ordeal) and they made sure I didn't bleed too much and then she(K) wanted to check me. I think. Again, my time frame isn't real clear. I got to hold Emi while they did everything. I tore a little on bottom, and a lot on top. But there was a nice HUGE clot on top and if K moved it, it was going to cause me pain, and possibly to start bleeding so she asked if I was OK with her not looking at it too closely. I said YES!. I did not want her to touch it. I had 2 stitches on bottom. We waited a little while, and then I got to cut the cord. I thought it would be harder to cut, but it wasn't. I got to hold her all to myself for the first 5 hours of her life (this doesn't make sense). Then my dad took her for a bit so they could get me to pee. That was the worst. My arms were tingly when I stood up, and my lungs only worked right when I was laying down or hunched over. I tried to pee on the toilet with the peribottle, but ended up in the tub. And even then it was hell. Today, 2 days later, it still hurts sometimes, but nowhere near as bad. (and today, over a year later my pee still doesn't go quite where I want it too, but no more pain)

At some point, at about 4.30 I guess, My dad and sister took off. They came back 2 hours later with food for me. My sister(who's 19) was awesome. She videotaped the birth, while holding my leg up. She was scared at a few points she said, because I was screaming so loud it hurt her ears. And I never scream. Yell, sure. But not the blood curdling scream I was doing. She also told me I make porn star faces when I'm in pain. I laughed and told her I had thought the same thing at one point in labor.

They got me rinsed off, and dried and at some point I got Emi back. We did her newborn exam and she was 7lbs 2 oz! HOLY COW! She fooled everyone, including the ultrasound! 19 3/4 inches long. They were trying to go over stuff with me, but I was still so out of it. My placenta got spoiled, which I'm very upset about, but trying not to be (No one told ME where it would be, and my dad was clueless so it got left out. It died in a fire later anyway so it didn't actually matter). She slept the entire way home, then all day Friday. I know everyone tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but I haven't got the hang of that yet. Luckily we have side-laying-nursing down OK so I get some sleep at night. Nursing is hard. A lot harder then I thought. She forgets to suck, and might be tongue tied. I have to take her to the doctor Monday. My nipples hurt like nothing else and my milk has started to come in. I actually had to pump some out today because they were all hot and hard. Now they're just hot and painful. She likes the left side way more then the right, so that side hurts worse. She likes to scream. A lot. But I think we have it worked out. I couldn't do this without my family. Well, I could, but it would be hard. Near impossible. My dad walks Emi to get her to sleep, since I'm supposed to be in bed and only up to pee. I got a shower in yesterday that felt so good I may go take another one today. My family has been bringing me food, and anything else I need. I'm 98% sure I have a urethral tear. My pee hole doesn't work so well anymore. I'm going to see what my body can do with it before I resort to more drastic measures. I'm under orders to not have sex for 12 weeks. Yea, like that'll be a problem. She's beautiful, I'm happy and in need of sleep. She looks JUST like her dad(who to this day has never met her and we have no contact with). XD

I was extremely out of it after the birth, for about 3 months, then I slowly started coming out of it. She was tongue tied, and I ended up EPing for 9 weeks due to nipple preference and allergies. But here we are a year and some change later and she's nursing strong! I'm a little upset with how some things were handled and next time I'm going to listen to my gut more. I really wanted to have her at home. I KNEW she wasn't going to be small, and if she was she'd be fine. I knew K wasn't the right midwife but I wanted my mom off my back. A lot of what went "wrong" I had control over at one point. I'm still coming to terms with that. I feel traumatized still, over a year later and it wasn't even "that bad".  I was on my feet WAY too soon after her birth(4 days) and I needed 2 weeks to heal a bit. I did too much; I was in a LOT of pain.

I did, however, find my inner strength. I can go for months now without seeing anyone (not necessarily a good thing). I can go, and go and when I think I can't go any further I keep going. Because I'm a mom, and that's what we do right? I'm hoping by getting this out here it will help me move past this. I still have bad dreams about her birth. I still relive that tearing, over and over. It just wont go away. Any tips for getting past that? I feel like I failed myself a bit, by not fighting for everything I wanted. I wasn't as strong then as I am now.