Last night, just before finding out that we have Little Gregory on the way, DH tried to get me to agree with him on "who" would get the snip. I feel that it was just the wrong time for me to have to think of that, because I have been a very responsible person in this regard, (having had to wait until I was just short of 35 for my first pregnancy, and 4 years later, (at DH's demand, waiting until I was just short of 39 to get pregnant a second time). When he came up with this (close to an ultimatum) was just very, very heartbreaking for me. I feel so guilty about not feeling overjoyed to hear "Boy", and I was quite hopeful that my attempt at one more pregnancy (a Girl) was a success, and that we can somehow go on with the important part of raising our completed little family. I feel as if the rug has been pulled right out from under me. I wish I can verbalise how I feel, and get it out, but I feel so guilty about having these feelings and any time I start to cry BJ seems quite alarmed. That is why it is so useful to have a group like this where I can write them down.
Being at the age of 39 (in a few days) also is one of the main reasons it is so hard to handle. While at my appointment today, we saw a Genetic Counsellor, who tried to tell us that because of our ages, DH will be 42 in Oct, and I will be 39 later this month. According to her we have a greater risk of having a Baby with a genetic defect- but it is a slight chance at this time. Then, women who are slightly older than me, or so many women in general, so callously keep saying to me that "women have babies into their 40's all the time". These words hurt more than anything that anyone has ever said to me, because I was forced to pass time for so many years before and after marrige to have any children and I just couldn't do it any more.
Hubby has been out of work for two years now, and because of his depression, he was unable to find other employment. Having just one of each child has been a lifelong hope and dream that I have had since I was a little girl, but got more and more important to me as time wore on. The trueth is, that even in this day and age, it is somewhat of a very normal part of what makes a woman who they are to eventually want to settle down, and often having 2-3 children is what comes natrually.
I just hope and pray that he will become more tender in general, and somehow more lenient towards my desire to have my own little Girl in my life that I have had for so many years now.
I love Gregory and have since I found out about being pregnant. It is just a big shock and has been a very long day. I intend to nurse him for as long as I can, which causes fertility to go down. I have had a tug of war between my lactation and fertility and got my first post-partum period when BJ was 26 months old. He still loves to have a short nurse 1-2 times a day.
I just feel as if this is the ultimate broken dream that I have had to face in my life. Had I been 5 years younger it would have been easier to handle.
Who knows, maybe things will turn around, your hubby will find a job and you'll be able to try again...if you still want.
I am at a loss for words with your post. My heart is breaking for you because I know how much this means to you. No matter what you are an amazing mother and to feel disappointment is natural. Don't ever let anyone tell you that it's wrong. I pray you find comfort in the months to come while getting ready for Baby Gregory to make his arrival. You never know what God has planned for you and maybe someday that little girl will happen. I have a cousin that just had her 4th baby and she is mid 40's and my Grandmother had my mom at 44. Yes the risks are there BUT there are risks with all pregnancies and you are only given what you can handle. If you want to chat feel free to PM me with my youngest they told me he was a girl and 6 weeks later was told a boy so I do know how it feels to have gender diappointment. Feel free to contact me anytime:)
That disappointment feeling goes away. I've had two gender disappointments and i'm fine now. Time will heal... Good Luck and congrats to you and your family!! Atleast BJ has a Brother close in age and they will be best buds !! My 5 1/2 and 2 1/2 year olds are the best of buds !! I can't wait until the baby gets to play with his big brothers!! They will all have a blast!!
I started kniting a little sweater for Gregory and that is cathartic. I don't think I will ever get over not having my own little Baby Girl (Gracie) in my life, but from now on if I knit a sweater for one of the boys, I would like to try to knit one for each of them (the same in different colors)- so they match. This isn't easy, though, because they are 4 years apart, and it isn't easy to find patterns that vary so much in sizes. My Birthday is coming up, and I asked DH to get me the supplies/materials that I would need to knit a few sweaters. I will add a photo so you can see them as I finish them. I have finished the back of one and I am knitting the one left front so far... More on this later.
P.S. I was muttering to myself the other night, because there are so many pretty patterns out there for Girls, and not that much available out there for Boys. While complaining about this, and looking at gauges, etc, to find all the materials that I need to knit even one sweater, BJ sounded quite interested in what I was saying, and was repeating the terms, knitting jargon, etc, along with me. DH is quite disinterested in hearing anything I want to say to him and promptly tells me to put it on the list, but it is nice to have a son who is at least interested in what I am saying. I also talked to him about the Baby, and told him that that is how old he was 4 years ago in utero. We have already had the (very basic) of the discussion of where he came from, and it wasn't half as uncomfortable as many people believe it to be.
What kind of O tests?
- Mommy2BJ
on May. 10, 2011 at 9:57 PM