1. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
2. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
3. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
5. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
6. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
7. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
8. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
9. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 10. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
11. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
12. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
13. Procrastinate Now!
14 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
17.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
18 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
19. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory
20. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
21. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
22. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.