I NEED HELP PLEASE..PIOG

[bluelilystream]

ok..where to start? i got into a fight with my dh today and he said that he doesnt want to be with me and i have screwed up his life and his mind. i asked how...he said by paying for me for 3 years( i have not held down a job in more than 4 years) by me kicking him out of the house( i did that because he was hurting our daughter and is drunk or high all the time, which he said is due to me as well, even though he was doing that before he even met me) and he said because i have boyfriends( which i dont, but a few times, i did break up with him and dated other guys because i was so tired of everything especially me being the only one trying to work on our relationship) But, I dont blame him for saying all these things....I have been so out of it for these past 3 years...I dont clean my house or cook...I dont take good care of myself...I have gained a lot of weight, dont shower or brush my teeth everyday( i never used to be like this) i have put everything on his head these past three years because i have been so depressed. i never wanted to, i have tried to change, got jobs, made lists of things to do and did them...sometimes, but it never lasted, i always fell right back into the same habits of being lost inside myself and my depression. now i have a daughter, she is one years old and i have the added guilt of not being the kind of mother that i want to be with her, i dont play with her enough and all that good stuff. no wonder he doesnt want to be with me, right. but i also feel a lot of it is due to him....i try so hard to make things better and he never does. he doesnt believe in depression or meds or therapy, he doesnt believe i am depressed or anything, just that i am lazy. a good husband would try and understand that i am sick and help me, like i am doing with his addiction and anger problems...i dont know what to do ladies....i want out of my depression soooo much. i want to have a normal life. i want to wake up in THE MORNING and take a shower, shave and put on lotion and put on a little makeup....clean my house, do my laundry, play with my daughter and teach her things, cook for my family, hold down a job, finish my education, eat healthier and exercise to feel better and lose weight.....i want to just be healthy and normal. i had a really bad childhood as did my husband. i was physically and emotioanlly and sexually abused by family members, he watched his father drink and his mother cry all the time, and he was molested as well. now we are both cut off from our families, mine i left when i was 18, which is when all my depression started, and i have tried to have a relationship with them, asked them to go to therapy with me..but they refuse, they want to blame me for everything. so that is lost....because i dont want to be apart of them doing that to me anymore...but i miss having a family terribly, i want one so badly, which is why i am trying so hard to fight for my marriage and my daughter right now. his family loves him a lot and they call him and call him and want to do watever they can to help him, but he ignores them. anyway...i know i need to see a therapsit, which i am going to on Monday....but i just need all of your opinions about this......my marriage's problems are from both sides, not just him or just me, but i cant see clearly what is going on from the inside...what should i do? i dont want us to split up, i want us to get better and heal, but i know things wont if i dont change too,,,how do i get out of this really bad bad place i am in. how do i get motivated to at least clean myself and my house and take better care of my daughter, when all i feel like doing is going back to bed or sitting numb to life? please ladies, anyone's advice is welcome.

AND ANOTHER THING...HE IS ALWAYS LOOKING AT PORN AND OTHER WOMEN LIKE THEY ARE GOLD....IT MAKES ME FEEL SO BAD. HE SAYS HE CANT HAVE NICE SEX WITH ME BECAUSE I AM  TOO FAT. IM SO TIRED OF ALL OF THIS....I HOPE THE THERAPY HELPS US OUT, OR I KNOW ITS NOT GONNA WORK OUT...I WISH I HAD THE STRENGTH TO JUST SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, BUT THERE I CANT IGNORE THE VOICE INSIDE OF ME THAT SAYS HE IS JUST AS LOST AND MESSED UP AS YOU AND IF YOU GUYS CAN GET HELP EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT....AM I STUPID FOR FEELING THAT WAY????

[margaretandem]

That surely is a lot you have been through and a lot going on.  Your feelings are very valid and you have a right to feel this way.  Like you said, you both have issues in this relationship and it will take the 2 of you working on yourselves and how you get along to fix it.  You have to work on you as you only have control of you.  You have to get full control of you.  He has to work on himself and the choice there is only one he can make.  Regardless of whether he goes to therapy with you or not, it  would be a good idea for you to go and start work on yourself at least.  You changing and being healthier and less depressed might produce a change in the dynamics of your relationship.  I hope that you make it a point to attend therapy regularly.  I think that medication might be helpful for you as well, in the short-term, to help regulate your brain chemistry and start to get you motivated and active.  Tere is a part of depression that is biological/physical that can helped with medication.  The change with you will be in your thinking and your actions.  If you can start with identifying little things you are able to day everyday and build on that each day, that is a start.  Like getting out of bed, making the bed, making a meal, walking around the house, brushing your teeth, spending time with the baby....little baby steps.  It doesn't have to be a lot but do what you can each day and give yourself credit for what you are able to do.  Make it a point to do at least 1 positive thing everyday and when you are ready you can add on - at least 2 positive things daily, then 3 and so on.  This might also help you get motivated.

Hope this is helpful and I hope therapy works out for you.  Let us know what is going on.  Take care.

Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com

[bluelilystream]

Thank you sooo much! Yes, I am definately going to therapy...my dhs case worker has set it up for me and it starts tomorrow...i am so excited and relieved..at lest i know help is on the way! i know its not going to be easy...that is what everyone says..but i am SO ready for it...i cant live my life like this anymore. i have too much passion and dreams and goals, so much i want to do with this short life and i dont want to waste another min. of it.. thanks so much for your support. i will keep you all updated!

[bluelilystream]

Ok ladies....I went to bed at 9 pm last night...and I have been up since 4 am out of antciapation of my therapy starting today. i am soo happy and excited to FINALLY be getting some help...i even wrote out a list..lmao..of things i wanted help with and things i didnt want to control me anymore to give to my therapist...this morning, i think i will take a walk to the gas station down the street and buy a capuccino and enjoy the sunrise...and I SWEAR i am gonna take a shower today! i am feeling hopeful today! oh yeah...my husband starts his treatment today too....lets see how it goes
thanks for all of you being here and being supportive and friendly!
love you ladies

[margaretandem]

Great to see how motivated you are!  There is always a chance as long as you have hope.  I wish you well.

Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com