Raising a 3 year old has made me think a lot about how I discipline and manage her behavior, as well as what kind of messages I relay to her (positive versus negative). Many are the days when I find myself having to repeat directions to her, threaten to take something away or take away tv-time or put her in time-out because she is not following directions. And I will be honest - sometimes I am just so aggravated by the repetition and defiance, but I try as much as possible to maintain my cool. I don't want her to be deathly afraid of me, but I do want her to love AND respect AND obey me. And I want her to be happy. And I want her to be free to express her creativity and independence. I don't want to have authoritarian control over her, because I don't think that is healthy for her. It is a very fine line here. Some parents resort to spanking, which I believe is everyone's personal choice. Personally, I do not feel comfortable with this and am not willing to hit her hard enough to make her know that it is serious, not a game. In working with clients, I extend this respect to parents to choose physical discipline, but once a child reaches the age where they can take a spanking/beating, then this is no longer an effective discipline method and if this is the only method you use, then you are in trouble. So, time-outs (on rare occasions), taking away toys/books/tv/anything she is interested in at the time tend to be my methods of discipline.
In disciplining children and managing their behavior, you don't want to scare them to death, but they do need to learn consequences to their actions. What methods you use should be age-appropriate, so what would work for a 3 year old will not work for a 16 year old. As parents, we need to be consistent and reasonable in the rules and limits we set and follow-through with appropriate consequences. Changing the rules anytime you feel like it only confuses the child and makes everyone more aggravated. Once you set something, stick to it. Let your child know clearly and in language they can understand what the rules and expectations are and why you have set those rules and expectations. Let them know consequences for not following the rules and expectations. If these are violated, follow-through on consequences. Having the rules/expectations written down where everyone can see them is usually a good idea. If you are clear about this, then there is no need to argue with your child about why they are being punished. Clarity and consistency is less stressful for kids and they learn that they can be responsible for their own behavior - if they do something wrong, they pay the consequences.
To sum up:
1. Set clear, age-appropriate rules, limits, and expectations
2. Set clear, age-appropriate consequences for violations of these
3. Be consistent - follow-through and don't waiver or be wishy-washy
4. Share with your children why you have these rules, limits, expectations, and consequences
5. Don't punish in anger - if you are angry, then wait until you are calm to address the situation
6. Be patient and understanding - just because you do all the right things doesn't mean that your children will never do anything wrong
Just some thoughts given my personal and professional experience. I look forward to reading everyone's comments on this. Take care and be well.
Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com
In disciplining children and managing their behavior, you don't want to scare them to death, but they do need to learn consequences to their actions. What methods you use should be age-appropriate, so what would work for a 3 year old will not work for a 16 year old. As parents, we need to be consistent and reasonable in the rules and limits we set and follow-through with appropriate consequences. Changing the rules anytime you feel like it only confuses the child and makes everyone more aggravated. Once you set something, stick to it. Let your child know clearly and in language they can understand what the rules and expectations are and why you have set those rules and expectations. Let them know consequences for not following the rules and expectations. If these are violated, follow-through on consequences. Having the rules/expectations written down where everyone can see them is usually a good idea. If you are clear about this, then there is no need to argue with your child about why they are being punished. Clarity and consistency is less stressful for kids and they learn that they can be responsible for their own behavior - if they do something wrong, they pay the consequences.
To sum up:
1. Set clear, age-appropriate rules, limits, and expectations
2. Set clear, age-appropriate consequences for violations of these
3. Be consistent - follow-through and don't waiver or be wishy-washy
4. Share with your children why you have these rules, limits, expectations, and consequences
5. Don't punish in anger - if you are angry, then wait until you are calm to address the situation
6. Be patient and understanding - just because you do all the right things doesn't mean that your children will never do anything wrong
Just some thoughts given my personal and professional experience. I look forward to reading everyone's comments on this. Take care and be well.
Margaret Andem, LCSW
http://www.andemtherapy.com
http://www.andeminfodiabetesmellitus.com
http://www.andeminfobloodpressure.com
http://www.africanconexion.com
Posted by
on Apr. 19, 2008 at 7:28 PM
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- margaretandem
on Apr. 19, 2008 at 7:28 PM