If you are encountering difficulties with your open adoption, feel free to use this forum to share them and hopefully get some positive support.
Posted by
on Sep. 30, 2007 at 10:58 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies:
by
Member
on Oct. 1, 2007 at 7:45 PM
Ok, I could use some encouragement. Maddie, my sweet baby is gaga over my husband. I think we're "bonded", but when he comes home she is soooo excited to see him. If I am holding her, she just twists and reaches out to go to him. I am happy for him and happy that she loves and is comfortable with him. Maybe its just insecurity? I am back to work- part time and she spends those three days with Grandma. It sounds silly to say, but I just want her to want to be with me, or to come crawling with excitement to see me. We didn't breastfeed (obviously!) so I feel like there is time we missed together because both my dh and I fed and spent that time with her. I know I should just be happy for him, and I know once she is running around the house shouting- Mommy, mommy ,mommy - I will feel better, I just feel down at the moment.
by
Group Owner
on Oct. 1, 2007 at 7:58 PM
That is so interesting that you say that. Alex is THE EXACT same way! I also went back to work (summers off) and my husband gets home from work at about 5:30, so I pick Alex up from daycare and spend a few hours with him. I spend all of that time completely devoted to HIM and all I get in return? "Dada dada DA DA DADADA!!!" I mean, I'm happy for my husband, too, but he only says "Ma" when he's crying and I come in his room and he reaches out for me. (I'll take it, but come one now!)
This is going to sound completely ridiculous, but one of the reasons his firstmother chose us is that she knew about both of us since we taught at her school, and her main reason for placing him was that she didn't have a father and his biofather isn't in the picture and she wanted her son to grow up with a father. When I see that little face light up when DADADADADA walks through the door, I am reminded about one of the reasons he is ours. It's like she, as his mother, knew what he needed and Alex has responded beautifully, too.
We have our bond and they have theirs. My husband gets jealous when he sees Alex snuggling or cuddling with me or taking my hands and making them clap or covering my eyes and playing peek-a-boo.
I think it's just a matter of perspective, i guess. (Something I am trying desperately to change lately.)
by
Member
on Oct. 1, 2007 at 10:24 PM
I experience that too when the weekends come and we go to my parents house. My girls are all over my parents which I love. But... I find myself standing back and watching while they get the joy. We went to Thomas the Train last weekend and both girls clung to my mom the entire day. This weekend we went to a unique event at a cemetery where people were protraying my ancestors and my little Kati clung to Grandma.
I sometimes feel moms do all the work, and the others get the rewards!
Then... I think I do get them all week and we do have our special moments.
Darene
by
on Oct. 5, 2007 at 1:59 AM
This also occurs with our 6 month old, I work partime when my husband is off so after a few days if working and then being off it is as if she only wants him to hold her and taske care of her, like she gets used to it or something I don't know, I love them both anyways!
by
on Jan. 1, 2008 at 12:25 AM
I have some trouble with my aunt sometimes. She is married to my uncle and therefore I am not as used to her as I am to him. Their adoption of our daughter was final on Decmber 18. I HATE that she calls me "Charlotte/Charlie's biological mother" That is my number one peeve. It really stings every time she says it and I don't know how to react to it or what to do. Also, when they were here for Christmas and I wanted to take Charlie to see my inlaws (my husband is not her father) she was very strange about it. I had Charlie for a year before she went to live with them, so these are people who love her and know her and were/are a part of her life. Then, someone sent a gift for my daughter and she asked, "Well what is their relation to her? Why would they do that?" Which I found odd. This person was a relative as well. It just constantly feels that while my uncle is doing his best to keep me included and keep me considered she is doing her darnedest to cut me out. She has made comments about Charlie "not ending up like me" and constantly makes comments about my marriage and my pregnancy (we are expecting in March). I don't know what the deal is. We all went into this situation knowing it would be 100% open. We all agreed on things that I now feel that she is reneging on. If she wanted to adopt and have a child all to herself, she should have chosen a closed adoption. Meaning she definitely shouldn't have adopted from a relative.
Wanna Break the Young Mother Stereotype? Join Us!
http://www.cafemom.com/group/31359
Come and Join Venting Unrated
by
Group Owner
on Jan. 1, 2008 at 6:31 PM
Quoting mbeeman:Oh, sweetness! I am so sorry that you're feeling demotherized by Charlie's mom. This is the exact reason that I feel I was "called" to write that book I asked you about. (I did ask you, didn't I?) I really want to get it started, then you could give them a copy as a gift. (Of course a gift with alterior motives, but a gift nonetheless.)
I have some trouble with my aunt sometimes. She is married to my uncle and therefore I am not as used to her as I am to him. Their adoption of our daughter was final on Decmber 18. I HATE that she calls me "Charlotte/Charlie's biological mother" That is my number one peeve. It really stings every time she says it and I don't know how to react to it or what to do. Also, when they were here for Christmas and I wanted to take Charlie to see my inlaws (my husband is not her father) she was very strange about it. I had Charlie for a year before she went to live with them, so these are people who love her and know her and were/are a part of her life. Then, someone sent a gift for my daughter and she asked, "Well what is their relation to her? Why would they do that?" Which I found odd. This person was a relative as well. It just constantly feels that while my uncle is doing his best to keep me included and keep me considered she is doing her darnedest to cut me out. She has made comments about Charlie "not ending up like me" and constantly makes comments about my marriage and my pregnancy (we are expecting in March). I don't know what the deal is. We all went into this situation knowing it would be 100% open. We all agreed on things that I now feel that she is reneging on. If she wanted to adopt and have a child all to herself, she should have chosen a closed adoption. Meaning she definitely shouldn't have adopted from a relative.
Don't you just wish there were a fill-in-the-blank questionairre that came with all of those adoption papers where you could tell the adoptive parents those things: like specifically what you would expect out of the adpotion agreement, the terms you prefer, and other details that would avoid awkwardness and hurt feelings.
Oh, here's a tiny suggestion: read my journal post called "I love my son's firstmother". In case that link doesn't work, go to my page. (I wrote a while ago, so it's not one of those visible on my page.) It is about the way she brought up the use of some of those terms. She initiated it by asking how I prefer her referring to Alex. (Her son, her birthson, Alex, Julian (the name she gave him at birth)...) It was a beautiful conversation that I am so thankful she began.
My heart is sending out love and hugs for you.
by
on Jan. 9, 2008 at 10:36 PM
So being as I am new to this group I will give a little bit of background.
We are in the process of our second adoption. We met our birthmom in December and she chose is before she actually met us. Matter of fact our Attorney said that she said if we were as good in person as we are on paper then the baby was meant to be for us! Sounded really promising we thought!
All has been well, we think she's pretty great and a good financial risk meaning there is a good chance she won't cost us a lot of money and we are 99% sure we would be going home with the baby.
Until last night that is...
She spoke to the birth father who has said before that it wasn't even his baby and no way was it his, to now saying that he wants to parent the baby. Our birthmom is very stressed over this as she says she cannot in any way care for a child now or pretty much ever (she has three other children one who was adopted at birth) - We are stressed over this too but our first priority is just to be there to support her emotionally. Yes I am sad over this - but it could turn out to be a bunch of nothing. We just don't know.
After talking to our Attorney today I did find out that we are going to be finding out the birth father's last name (she didn't know it) and will serve him soon. After that we will just wait and see.
In the meantime we are being thrown in the mix again for birthmom consideration...we still have our birthmom but if things change, at least we will have been passed out to other moms looking towards adoption and I feel relieved over this I must say.
Another matter we must consider is that our birthmom is not costing us money financially and we cannot afford to subsidize a birth mother as this is what allows me to stay home with our children. Right now she is in a drug and alcohol treatment center (no the baby was never affected - she was clean) but she wants to leave after her 90 days. This will mean transitional living which will mean we will have to help support her with things like rent, food, a bus pass etc. She won't be able to get a job, who would hire her in her condition? She is obviously pregnant and being as she would be in a fast food service position it just doesn't look promising for a job.
I guess we will just cross that bridge when we come to it. She knows we really cannot afford to help her at this time so we'll just wait and see.
Grr - I have more to say but someone is at the door - got to run for now! Thanks for letting me get this off my mind!
We are in the process of our second adoption. We met our birthmom in December and she chose is before she actually met us. Matter of fact our Attorney said that she said if we were as good in person as we are on paper then the baby was meant to be for us! Sounded really promising we thought!
All has been well, we think she's pretty great and a good financial risk meaning there is a good chance she won't cost us a lot of money and we are 99% sure we would be going home with the baby.
Until last night that is...
She spoke to the birth father who has said before that it wasn't even his baby and no way was it his, to now saying that he wants to parent the baby. Our birthmom is very stressed over this as she says she cannot in any way care for a child now or pretty much ever (she has three other children one who was adopted at birth) - We are stressed over this too but our first priority is just to be there to support her emotionally. Yes I am sad over this - but it could turn out to be a bunch of nothing. We just don't know.
After talking to our Attorney today I did find out that we are going to be finding out the birth father's last name (she didn't know it) and will serve him soon. After that we will just wait and see.
In the meantime we are being thrown in the mix again for birthmom consideration...we still have our birthmom but if things change, at least we will have been passed out to other moms looking towards adoption and I feel relieved over this I must say.
Another matter we must consider is that our birthmom is not costing us money financially and we cannot afford to subsidize a birth mother as this is what allows me to stay home with our children. Right now she is in a drug and alcohol treatment center (no the baby was never affected - she was clean) but she wants to leave after her 90 days. This will mean transitional living which will mean we will have to help support her with things like rent, food, a bus pass etc. She won't be able to get a job, who would hire her in her condition? She is obviously pregnant and being as she would be in a fast food service position it just doesn't look promising for a job.
I guess we will just cross that bridge when we come to it. She knows we really cannot afford to help her at this time so we'll just wait and see.
Grr - I have more to say but someone is at the door - got to run for now! Thanks for letting me get this off my mind!
by
New Member
on Jan. 13, 2008 at 9:36 AM
My 17 year old beautiful daughter is soon to deiliver my first grandchild (also a girl) and has decided to place her. My head knows this is the best decision for my daughter and my grand-daughter but my heart....
She told the adoption agency last week which family she chose and we will get to meet them soon. This is really hard!
She told the adoption agency last week which family she chose and we will get to meet them soon. This is really hard!
by
on Jan. 13, 2008 at 11:09 AM
Quoting Kris7777777:
My 17 year old beautiful daughter is soon to deiliver my first grandchild (also a girl) and has decided to place her. My head knows this is the best decision for my daughter and my grand-daughter but my heart....
She told the adoption agency last week which family she chose and we will get to meet them soon. This is really hard!
Kris ~ Adoption is a beautiful thing and what your daughter is doing is simply amazing. I'll be praying for you guys during this time, if there is anything I can do please let me know. In the meantime, enjoy getting to know the new soon-to-be extended version of your family!
by
New Member
on Jan. 13, 2008 at 2:10 PM
Thank you for the prayers.
I'm enjoying reading the posts in this group-lots of different perspectives. Take care, Kristie
I'm enjoying reading the posts in this group-lots of different perspectives. Take care, Kristie
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Give & Get Advice
Advertisement
Doll Sale
- alexmomma2007
on Sep. 30, 2007 at 10:58 PM