Adoption Friendly Language

[alexmomma2007]

I found this article at: http://www.therainbowbabies.com/AdoptionEtiquette.html
Just wanted to post it.  It makes a lot of sense if you've never seen this before.  We had to read a list of adoption-friendly terms for our preparation.

Respectful Adoption Language

About thirty years ago, activists who wanted to remove the stigma from adopted children and their families devised what they called Respectful Adoption Language (RAL). The terms used in RAL are designed to shift people’s focus away from the idea that adoption is unnatural, or that children are possessions to be bought or sold. Instead, RAL attempts to respect the relationship between the adoptive child and the adoptive parents, as well as the gift of life that the birthparents have given all of them.

• Birthmother or birthparents – The terms “real mother,” “real parents,” “natural mother,” or “natural parents” imply there is something false or unnatural in the relationship between adoptive parents and their children. To differentiate between the parents without belittling the adoptive relationship, RAL uses the term “birthmother” or “birthparents.” However, the parents should not be called birthparents until the child is born; until the parents make the final decision to place their child for adoption, they are simply expectant parents.
• Adoption as a choice – Years ago, when many young, unwed mothers were given no choice in the fate of their babies, terms such as “relinquished,” “surrendered,” and “given up for adoption” came into use. Today, however, these same terms are considered insulting, as they suggest to the child that he or she was not wanted by his birthparents. Such a belief can be devastating to a child’s self esteem, which is why RAL prefers to say that the birthmother “chose adoption.”
• Parenting a child – Often, when a mother decides against adoption, it is said that she opted to “keep her child.” Unfortunately, this phrase not only treats children as possession rather than people, it also suggests that the opposite of keeping a child is to get rid of it – and no child wants to think of him- or herself as gotten rid of. Therefore, the terms “parent” or “raise” should always be substituted for the word “keep.”
• “Was adopted” instead of “is adopted” – The tendency in our society is often to describe adoptive children as “being adopted” in a present sense, even if the adoption happened years ago. This creates the impression that adoption is a handicap they will never be free of. Instead, think of adoption as simply the method in which the child joined the family. He was adopted, but now he is just as much a part of the family as a child who was born into it.

As you can see, the way you phrase things can be offensive to adoptive children and their families, even if you don’t mean it to sound that way. Even if you don’t know the politically correct term, try to develop a sensitivity toward the underlying connotations in language, and avoid words or phrases you think might make your friends and their children uncomfortable.

Questions Adoptive Parents Hate

It’s natural to be curious about adoption, particularly if it’s an option you and your partner are considering. However, how you ask your questions can make a world of difference. Here are a few questions that make most adoptive parents want to tear their hair out.

• “Is she really yours?” – This question is fairly common when the child doesn’t look like her adoptive family. For instance, some parents choose to adopt their child from another country, such as China or Guatemala. These families no doubt hear this question a lot. The question rather misses the point of adoption, however. Parents adopt for the same reasons other couples conceive a child naturally: To have a child. So, yes, the parents view the child as theirs, and chances are you’ve just offended them by asking.
• “Where did you get him?” – This question reminds me of a couple of women chatting about shopping. It’s not like adoptive children can be bought at a half-price sale! In any case, wherever your friends adopted their baby from, the child becomes an American when the adoption is finalized – and that’s what is important.
• “How much did you pay for her?” – Adoptive children are not possessions to be bought and sold. Although wondering how much adoption costs is a valid impulse, particularly if you and your partner are considering going that route, the expenses have to do with the government and adoption agency fees. If you want information because you are thinking of adopting yourself, it doesn’t hurt to ask your friend about their agency’s fee schedule, but don’t ask how much their kid cost them.
• “What about his real parents?” – Any question that asks about the child’s “real” mother or father is bound to offend an adoptive parent. After all, he or she is the one raising the child, and probably feels like as real a parent as any other. Asking an older child if he wants to meet his real parents is also a no-no, as is acting appalled if he says yes. Many adoptive children feel curiosity about where (and who) they came from, but that doesn’t mean that the parents who have raised them are any less real.

       Below was written by a member of this group.  Thank you .  I thought it was important enough to include.                                                                         

As a birthmother I want to also share the questions and commits we get that I TRULY hate.

1. How/Why did you GIVE your baby away.  I didnt GIVE my baby away. I choose for her to have a better and promised life. One that I was unable to give to her at this time.
2. You LOVED her so much that you again GAVE her away to another family. Again, I didnt give her away, I did and do love her and my love has nothing to do with "giving her away"  I NEVER want my birthdaughter to feel that "loving" someone/something means "giving away"
3. You did the deed, you should be responsible and take care of her.
4. You are looking for the easy way out.
5. Why didnt you love her enough to keep her?  I loved her so much that I was/am willing to hurt my own heart for the rest of my life to know that she is being cared for the way that she deserves.

[TLW514]

Hello,
 
 I agree and can understand why it is an a-mom or dad would hate those types of questions. As a birthmother I want to also share the questions and commits we get that I TRULY hate.

1. How/Why did you GIVE your baby away.  I didnt GIVE my baby away. I choose for her to have a better and promised life. One that I was unable to give to her at this time.
2. You LOVED her so much that you again GAVE her away to another family. Again, I didnt give her away, I did and do love her and my love has nothing to do with "giving her away"  I NEVER want my birthdaughter to feel that "loving" someone/something means "giving away"
3. You did the deed, you should be responsible and take care of her.
4. You are looking for the easy way out.
5. Why didnt you love her enough to keep her?  I loved her so much that I was/am willing to hurt my own heart for the rest of my life to know that she is being cared for the way that she deserves.

So again this is something as I a birthmother hate hearing. There are other things that have been said but these are the basics.

[alexmomma2007]

Quoting TLW514:

Hello,
 
 I agree and can understand why it is an a-mom or dad would hate those types of questions. As a birthmother I want to also share the questions and commits we get that I TRULY hate.

1. How/Why did you GIVE your baby away.  I didnt GIVE my baby away. I choose for her to have a better and promised life. One that I was unable to give to her at this time.
2. You LOVED her so much that you again GAVE her away to another family. Again, I didnt give her away, I did and do love her and my love has nothing to do with "giving her away"  I NEVER want my birthdaughter to feel that "loving" someone/something means "giving away"
3. You did the deed, you should be responsible and take care of her.
4. You are looking for the easy way out.
5. Why didnt you love her enough to keep her?  I loved her so much that I was/am willing to hurt my own heart for the rest of my life to know that she is being cared for the way that she deserves.

So again this is something as I a birthmother hate hearing. There are other things that have been said but these are the basics.

Oh my gosh!  I just love you so much.  I am SOOOO glad that you posted this.  I am going to copy this and post it in the original.  I am so proud of you.  #5 filled my heart with a feeling that I just cannot describe.  Sadness, joy, relief, pain, gratitude all in one.  Is there a name for that?  (I'm thinking: woman.)

Once again, I am SOOOO happy that you are a part of this group.

[TLW514]

I do have one more I want to add as I have been told this before.


I have been told that I am no type of mother for "GIVING" my baby away. 

That is the one that hurts the most and often makes me think. But I know that she (my daughter) is in the best set of hands that is out there besides my own.

[alexmomma2007]

Quoting TLW514:

I do have one more I want to add as I have been told this before.


I have been told that I am no type of mother for "GIVING" my baby away. 

That is the one that hurts the most and often makes me think. But I know that she (my daughter) is in the best set of hands that is out there besides my own.

Alex's firstmom (remember, 16 yrs. old) hears that at school all the time.  Her friends that were her friends when she got pregnant and after she had him aren't her friends anymore since she placed him.  What's that about?  The good thing is she is so mature, she recognizes that they weren't her friends in the first place if they're not going to stick by her at this time.

The great thing---and I know this hurts you to hear me talking about this--- is that when someone says something at school, she comes striaght to my classroom and tells me about it.  I usually get more furious than she is.  It's like, "don't you talk about my babymamma!"  :)

[prayersanswered]

WOW !!! I am printing a copy of this for every member of my family. We are an open family adoption and some just don't get it. People keep calling the birthparents the real parents. And I also feel for the birthparents in my family because certain ones keep saying how could they give their baby away. They are all getting a copy. Thank You .

Mom of Trinity

[alexmomma2007]

That's a great way to spread the word and educate.  It starts with the people who love us and accept us for everything else.  The sad thing, for me, is that they NEED to see this.  Why is it that some of us SEE the world the way isand make it right, and others sit back and and just SAY how the world should be?

Feel the love.Adopt.

         November is National adoption month.

[twobutterflys]

Ignorance is the word I am beginning to use.  It's the lack of education about LIFE.  I find the people in our life who we have difficulties are people who live in their own small world.  Until your life is affected by something different from what is the "perceived norm" they simply don't understand.  The norm is the mom, dad and children  of the same race and anything beyond that is different.  I always thought we as a society had grown from that but instead I find it's very much alive and well.  Racism/Prejudice is the same thing in today's society.  We simply aren't outwardly vocalizing it as what happened in the past. 

What really amazes me is the age of people.  I anticipate the older generation to still hang on to the traditional values, but it shocks me when it's with younger people.  I then realize (I'll use my SIL as an example) is she learned these values from her parents, and passed them down to her children. 

So.. it's us as families formed through adoption who go out into this world to start to change the attitudes.  I find we do this by how we answer questions, how we promote adoption, etc...

I give our families articles, books, etc... in hopes they will read.  I notice my own parents slowly changing because they LOVE their grandchildren.  My dad is starting to say, "Am I saying that right?"  They want their grandchildren to be loved and cared for.

Darene

[alexmomma2007]

Quoting twobutterflys:

Ignorance is the word I am beginning to use.  It's the lack of education about LIFE.  I find the people in our life who we have difficulties are people who live in their own small world.  Until your life is affected by something different from what is the "perceived norm" they simply don't understand.  The norm is the mom, dad and children  of the same race and anything beyond that is different.  I always thought we as a society had grown from that but instead I find it's very much alive and well.  Racism/Prejudice is the same thing in today's society.  We simply aren't outwardly vocalizing it as what happened in the past. 

What really amazes me is the age of people.  I anticipate the older generation to still hang on to the traditional values, but it shocks me when it's with younger people.  I then realize (I'll use my SIL as an example) is she learned these values from her parents, and passed them down to her children. 

So.. it's us as families formed through adoption who go out into this world to start to change the attitudes.  I find we do this by how we answer questions, how we promote adoption, etc...

I give our families articles, books, etc... in hopes they will read.  I notice my own parents slowly changing because they LOVE their grandchildren.  My dad is starting to say, "Am I saying that right?"  They want their grandchildren to be loved and cared for.

Darene

I've been using the word ignorance as well. I am on a crusade.  I want to educate, educate, educate!  It makes my blood boil when Alex's firstmother tells me about yet another kid at school who blatently tells her "I don't like you because you 'gave away' you baby." 

I feel that as a teacher, who is well-respected by my students, I can really take the opportunity to open some minds on the subject of adoption.  To have access to teenagers on a daily basis is such a great chance to promote adoption as a loving option and a loving result.

I've even had some of my students come forward and say that they were adopted and their classmates who have attended school with them for years never knew and are suprised to learn it.  Those students have offered to help me plan an adoption awareness program at my school.  I just don't know what we're going to do.  (I actually need some ideas...hint hint.)

Feel the love.Adopt.

         November is National adoption month.

[twobutterflys]

The is a book out there I believe is called, The Third Option.  I have a copy but it's packed away.  Let me do some e-mails to a friend of mine in San Francisco who is running a program called Open Paths that is doing all kinds of adoption educations.  She might have some resources.  She is a teacher/principal as well.

Darene

[alexmomma2007]

Quoting twobutterflys:

The is a book out there I believe is called, The Third Option.  I have a copy but it's packed away.  Let me do some e-mails to a friend of mine in San Francisco who is running a program called Open Paths that is doing all kinds of adoption educations.  She might have some resources.  She is a teacher/principal as well.

Darene

Ooooh.  Sounds great.

Feel the love.Adopt.

         November is National adoption month.