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I AM SO ANGRY. Do alcoholics ever recover?

Posted by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 3:24 PM
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We got in a fight this morning, he drank WAY TOO MUCH last night, even after I suggested he slow down since HE HAD TO WAKE UP THIS MORNING, well he actually drank SOO much, HE PEED THE BED.  So I woke him up an hour early this morning so he could wash the bed clothes and take the matress outside in the sun.  Instead of getting up he screamed at me and called me a bitch for "not caring about his feelings" since he was OH SO TIRED AND HUNG OVER.  He even brought up the whole "All you ever do is sit at the house and wait for me to come home" thing - which is NOT true, I may be a stay at home mom, but I take care of our son 24/7 without him so much as lifting a finger unless I BEG AND REASON WITH HIM, I do all the laundry, I wash all the dishes, clean the whole house, I've even been taking out the trash, taking the dog outside, I don't cook that well, but I still try, I do all our finances, I do so much, and yet he acts like I'm sitting on my ass eating fucking bon bons and painting my nails all day, I'm sorry, he goes out AND GET DRUNK almost every night lately, he's always hanging out with his "DUDES" and going off and leaving me by myself, since we have NO ONE in this god forsaken town who can watch our child while we go out together, I'm so sick of him and getting so drunk, he talks shit about me, and disrespects me in front of his friends, he brings up stuff about wanting to do other chicks "for a new experience", he even said I was a bitch for not letting him do this, he SAID THIS IN FRONT OF SEVERAL PEOPLE!!!  and I constantly hear from his friends what an asshole he is when he gets drunk, how much shit he talks, I get this vibe from all his friends that they think I'm the biggest shit-stain ever, that I FORCED HIM INTO HAVING A CHILD WTH ME and that I'm HOLDING HIM BACK.

Whatever, I can't get it through to him that HIS DRINKING IS HURTING ME.  Yeah, once he's sober/not hungover he will apologize and claim he doesnt' remember anything from last night, and gets mad at me because I remain stressed for HOURS after the incident, but I can't just blow it off and forget all the hurtful things he says to me.

I keep feeling like maybe this will work out, maybe he'll wake up and smell the coffee and maybe even CUT BACK A LITTLE on drinking.  Because when he's sober, even though he doesn't help out much or at all with petty chores, he still loves his son, I can see it, and he is trying to work his ass off so I CAN stay at home with our son, and have a good life etc. etc.  But I just need to hear it from someone else - I am pretty sure he's an alcoholic, but he doesn't think so, sometimes he says it jokingly, but he doesn't think it's a problem that he needs to adress, instead, I just need to get over it and realize that he doesnt mean anything he says at all when he's drunk.  I just can't accept that!!!


PS I went to the garage and screamed and screamed and punched the walls, then called 911 because I STILL wanted to punch his face in.  I know this is horrible, but I had so much rage that it SCARED ME TO DEATH!!!  It was like my blood was litterally boiling, and I have NEVER felt THAT angry at him EVER!!!  I was terrified of going back upstairs, and seeing him passed out snoring on the couch, that I thought I would do something to hurt him!!  I told the dispatcher not to send anyone over, but that I was freaking out, they set me up with some crisis hotline, that helped but HOLY SHIT!  I don't ever want to do that again.

by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 3:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Jun. 14, 2007 at 3:29 PM
why dont you look for a group called  alanon its for wifes and family of people who drink its like a suport team where are you at maybe i can find one in your area oooo you did the wright thing you walked awat good for you
by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 3:34 PM
oh hun im so sorry thats so horrible, but hun why are you living like this??? i mean god if my hubby said some shit like that to me i would so slap him and leave, god girl wheres your self steem??? well i dont know what to tell you girl i wish i can help you feel better but im not no doctor, psychologist or anything i actually went through something like that with my ex and yeah i lived with him for 3 years before i realized that our relationship would never be a good one, so yeah i'm here if you ever need to talk i cant give you advice but i can listen to you send me a messege and i'll give you my number, be strong girl. hugs.
by Member on Jun. 14, 2007 at 3:36 PM
I'm sure you have heard this a million times, but things are only going to get worse. You need to start thinking about you and your child/children. He may be working his ass off, but so do you. A stay at home mom is a huge job. Of course men don't see it that way. If he's making comments about sleeping around, who knows he may already have. Not trying to make you feel bad, but you should start looking out for the best interest of #1, you child, and #2, you. Stuff like this will only make you sink into depression and then you'll start thinking you can't do any better. Believe me, you can.
by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 9:41 PM
My dad is an alcholic and it runs in my family! They will always say there not and when it gets to the point that your saying it controls them they don't control it I could sit here for hours and tell you the shit I have been put through cuz of it. No matter what the way he is treating you is not ok and the drinking is no excuse! If you stay its not gonna change GET ur child and LEAVE! When its that bad they have to hit rock bottom to learn cuz you can sit and tell him till ur blue in the face but you can't change someone they have to do it them selfs and right now you sond like I did not that long ago with my father until my aunt step in and helped me to wake up you have to love your child and your self enough to say enough is enough noone deserves that and just remember that its nothing to do with you those r his personal issues with himself that he needs to confront and deal with don't ever let him try to blame it on you or ur child!
by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 9:52 PM
WOW. Im sorry. Good for you that you walked away. Maybe you should think about permantely walking away. You guys have a few problems there. Obviously he doesnt respect you at all based on how he talks about you. And who knows what he has done or tried to do with another girl. Not to mention the drinking. It doesnt sound like your man is going to quit anytime soon, especially since he doesnt see a problem with it. Hun you need to think about yourself and you child. Those are the two most important things in your life. Seriously think about it, is this kind of life you want?
by on Jun. 14, 2007 at 10:26 PM
Girl, what happened to you growing up that makes you think this is recoverable? He already has NO respect for you as his partner or as his child's mother. He may love his child but he is NOT a good father to be creating that atmosphere and setting that example. To awnser your question; no, alcoholics never recover. As my Dad says, that are in a perpetual state of recovery. He calls him self a "recovering alcoholic". Your man says that he doesn't remember; I'm throwing the bull-shit flag on that. His friends act like you trapped him; I'm throwing the yellow flag. He throws a fit 'cuz you won't let him SLEEP WITH OTHER WOMEN FOR A DIFFERENT EXPERIANCE; RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like a post before me said; "grab your child and run!!!!!"
by Member on Jun. 14, 2007 at 10:34 PM
i'm sorry you're going through this. i come from a long line of alcoholics, so i know how you're feeling. my brother is a raging alcoholic and i saw what it did to his family. his girlfriend left him, and his daughter (who is 5 1/2 now) says things like "is daddy drunk again?" or "i don't like it when daddy has beer". it's really sad. i hope your child isn't old enough to know the difference, but it's something to think about for the future.
i agree with the first poster that ALANON is definitely something you should look into. i went to ALATEEN when i was a kid (my mother was an active alcoholic when i was a child, she's been sober for 20+ years now, so there IS hope!) and it really helped. you can share your experiences with other people who are going through the exact same things you're going through, or even worse, so you don't feel alone and you can get some perspective.
i hope everything works out. you're in my thoughts.
by on Jun. 16, 2007 at 11:34 AM
God, I know, I know, deep down inside, I know it's best to just leave.  I've been hurt by him ever since I got pregnant.

We were partying all the time, both of us were drinking before I got pregnant.  Let's just say a certain "love drug" inspired us to have sex without protection, throw caution to the wind, and sure enough...  I got pregnant.  But he's been there with me, albeit quite drunk many many times, and I just don't have the heart to leave.  I know it's not going to get better.  But I'm scared and I don't know where to begin to start to leave him.

I want to know from other moms who've done it, I mean, there's pretty much a zero percent chance of him sobering up.  So obviously, I'd like to get out now, before my son is able to ask, "Is daddy drunk right now??"  like one of you said...  It would break my heart to hear him say that, or to fear his dad.

My father was an alcoholic, so was my birthmom, and I'm pretty sure my stepmom is a closet "Southern Comfort" gal...  My dad recently HAD to stop drinking due to a medical condition.  I don't know my birthmom, but from what I've been told, she's probably still in drugs and alcohol hardcore.

My partner's dad is a RAGING alcoholic, his mom is a wino.  Everyone in his father's side of the family is an alcoholic.  He's got it in his genes.  And he uses that as his excuse.

I have it in my genes too, but as soon as I got pregnant, I QUIT, and responsibility has been keeping me from drinking ever since.  I have not got drunk ONCE since before I was pregnant.  Yes, I've had a glass of wine here, a beer there, even a shot once or twice.  But I limit myself, because I KNOW that I have to be able to be of sound mind to care for my son.

I just don't understand addiction, I have been on some drugs that I quit at the drop of a pin, just because I didn't want it anymore, and I SAW how it was affecting me, and my life, and that I needed to stop.  No one ever had to tell me, HEY, YOU're FUCKING UP YOUR LIFE AND YOU'RE HURTING OTHER PEOPLE!  I just quit because I knew I needed to.

(the drugs were Meth, Cocaine, Marijuana, Exctacy, etc... I've never relapsed, never wanted to go back to that shrunken shell of myself.) 

That's why I don't understand how alcohol is WHOOPING HIS ASS so hardcore.  I'm like, hon, I was a cokehead, and I quit in one day.  Yeah, withdrawal's a mother...  but sometimes, you gotta do what you've gotta do.  And I can't see how caring for your child and loving your woman is not good enough reason to quit a drug or other substance.
by on Jun. 17, 2007 at 10:01 AM
You need to get out.  This is a scary cylcle and it is only going to lead to your son following the same patterns.  Little boys think their Dads are so cool.  I was in a similar situation when my son was a baby.  I sucked it up got a sitter, a secret bank account, and a job- three in fact.  My sons dad wouldn't go on his own so I arranged for him to get an apartment, handed him the money for first, last, and security and a little extra to tide him over.  He quit his job as soon as I started working so the extra jobs were necessary.  I cleaned churches with my son in a backpack.  Now I am married to an awesome man, we own a house, and my son's father has not seen him for two and a half years.  It is kind of sad that he made the choice to completely walk away but at the same time my son is happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.  I am a sane, happy human being with only normal everyday stress in my life.  I understand what you were saying about feeling so out of control and that is normal.  I was a crazed with stress and rage and misunderstanding while I was living with my son's father.  Get out of the situation and get control over your own life again.  You don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you and he will not change.  Save your sanity and your child's well-being.  Get daycare and a job and a SECRET bank account and SECRET po box and get out!  You will get through this.
Stay strong.

by on Jun. 17, 2007 at 1:04 PM

You said you wanted to hear from mom's who have been in this situation, and I have seen this go both ways.  First off, as much as I know you hate to do it, you have to cut him loose.  Once you do, he can do one of two things, choose his family or his drinking.  Like I said, I've seen this go both ways, my ex(daughter's biofather) chose drugs and drinking, I finally kicked him out when he pawned my xbox...  He never got better, actually got back into even worse drugs, and is now spending father's day in jail somewhere.  I am so glad she doesnt have to be around him and see someone like that.   My current bf of 1.5 yrs went through a similar thing, used to do drugs ages ago and had quit that well before we met, but he was still big on drinking, finally I ended up kicking him out and giving him the same choice.  It was hectic and very dramatic, but he chose us over drinking and hasnt had a drop in well over 6 months.  Things are soooo much better now. 

If he chooses being a drunk over his kid and family, that's his choice and he has to live with it, you on the otherhand dont and you dont deserve to be treated that way.  His friends probably treat you like shit because he treats you like shit, and I am sure he talks shit when you arent around and is giving them a certain impression about you which results in how they act.  Bottom line, your son doesnt need to idolize an alcoholic as his father.  Especially with the genetic predisposition he has already, letting him grow up around a severe alcoholic like that is going to be detrimental.

Good luck with everything, I really hope it works out for the best!

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