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She won (PIOG)

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2009 at 12:10 PM
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DH and I have been good about not discussing this crap over the holidays -- We've focused on other things. Then an e-mail last night stirred up the talk again.

We both admitted this morning that Virgin Mary's (BM's) PAS (in the face of several anti-PAS moves on our part, including "the door always being open" policy here) is and has been all-powerful. Nothing we've done has worked.

We know SS21 received his Christmas gifts from us, and we have yet to hear any kind of acknowledgement.  No call on Christmas Day. A message lie in a message a few days later about being "incommunicado."

We can both feel in our hearts that it's over. We haven't done anything wrong and have been treated like we are criminals -- all for living our lives. I have searched my memory many times over to figure out if I did something wrong somewhere along the line; I've thought about DH's past and wracked my brain trying to nitpick his fathering skills. 

DH said he knew that by the first of the year he would know in his heart what was happening.

Why shouldn't I be pleased when DH told me the future is about us, our marriage, and moving forward? In one way that should make me happy. I know that is what we have to do. Why do I feel guilt in my heart about this?

It feels very sad to me. I know we will forever be in others' minds two callous, selfish people who turned our backs on his family. I know that's not the truth, and I know I can't worry about it. It's just....what will be said. I just wonder if it will really be believed.

It's hard to see "bad" win.

by on Jan. 2, 2009 at 12:10 PM
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by on Jan. 2, 2009 at 6:35 PM

Oh Seaside!  She didn't win and neither did the children.  You all lost, every single one of you.  But the kids lost most of all.  The only thing you can do is LIVE YOUR LIVES happily in quiet, cold defiance of them.  Those "kids" are plenty old enough to know better. 

Take a page from our playbook.....see a family counselor for a few visits so you can gain some perspective on this fucked up situation; make peace with the fact that you did nothing wrong.  You may not have done everything "right", but you did nothing that warrants the treatment you are receiving; stop trying to communicate except for birthday cards with NO MONEY IN THEM; if the skids call then by all means speak politely and kindly, then excuse yourselves as you are "busy and just about to walk out the door"; cut off any form of information flow that the skids have in regard to your lives.

Your goal is to remain available if the kids choose to try to re-enter your lives, but their "re-entry" is TOTALLY on your terms and timeline.  Our counselor advised us that we should not allow SD back into our home until she and her father received counseling together as SD CLEARLY had "issues".  You may want to consider this as well.   One other thing.....Seaside, you are trying to LOGICALLY understand a situation that HAS NO LOGIC.  Stop.

by on Jan. 2, 2009 at 7:12 PM

Thanks. DH and I have been seeing a therapist together since September because of this situation and the stress it has caused in our lives. Our doctor said the same thing about how we are trying to put logic on something that is not logical whatsoever.

As someone elsewhere said, BM (Virgin Mary) is the gatekeeper of/to the children, and no one can get through that gate who she doesn't want to let through. Sad thing is I've seen that my brother's MIL is the same exact way, and I see how that family operates. It's about people ownership, not about relationships.

by on Jan. 8, 2009 at 6:06 PM

I am sad for you. I think momof6 had very good advice. I think this will be happening one day to us, too. I think when SS turns 18 he will be his mama's boy and nothing then can keep him from his own destruction.

I think your skids have lost a lot. Just keep the open door but on your terms. No more gifts. No more money. Here are some hugs. ((((()))))

by Member on Jan. 9, 2009 at 7:59 AM

We feel the same way only the 2 skids come to our home 50% of the time. But not as a family. They come because it is court ordered and BM wants them out of her hair but makes comments weekly in emails that they wouldn't come if the court didn't order it and if DH paid her 100% CS. She pulls crap about once every 2 years where she tries to get full custody so she can get full CS and makes our life hell through court again.

It is hard to separate her attempts at alienating the girls from us and their true feelings. We did the family counseling route this summer (BM would not attend). It really didn't do anything to help the situation. The counselor fully understood PAS but unless the aggressor wants to end it then it just will not end. 6 years of this has solidified it in the kids minds. Nothing we do will bring them out of it. We are just waiting until they turn 18 and move on. One is 15 1/2 and the other 11 1/2. Sad for all of us.

Don't feel like she won. The kids lost out on a healthy relationship with the 2 of you but protect yourselves from her distructive behaviors and the 2 of you win together.

To the first poster ,Thank you. You have some great advice and I am going to keep rereading it for the future.

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