I received a message from one of my friends asking me the secret to my lasting marriage of 45 years. We will be celebrating the 45th at the end of this month. As I was typing my reply, it occurred to me that maybe my answer to her might be of benefit to others, so I am sharing it here:
I really don't have a secret. When we got married, my husband was 21 and I was 18. About all we knew about marriage was that it was for a lifetime. We made that committment to each other, and divorce has never been an option. Every person comes to marriage with some personal baggage, some things that have been inflicted on them by their parents and by others and by our own wrong choices. Part of the process of the two becoming one is learning how to help one another get rid of the baggage that is harmful to the marriage relationship. That takes time and sometimes lots of time. You have to be willing to invest the time and you have to be willing to wait for the results of your investment. Most people are not committed for a lifetime, and the first appearance of the baggage means they are moving on. They will be no better off, because they are taking their own baggage with them, and now they have added some more. The more baggage you have when you enter marriage, the longer it will take to get rid of it, and the harder you will have to work and the more time you will have to invest. You need to weigh all of this before committing in marriage. Unfortunately, we have had to learn all this as we went along. The one big factor that we had which many don't was that we were at the time of our marriage committed Christians and we have had the power of the Holy Spirit to help us deal with all of our baggages, and it is He who has been the glue that held our marriage together. We have gone through some pretty tough times, including the loss of a child to miscarriage, the loss of all four of our parents, a child with some pretty serious health issues, and financial difficulties. In truth, all of those things, as hard as they were, have brought us more and more into the oneness that the Bible speaks of in marriage. As hard as it has been at times, I would not trade my husband for any other man, and I believe he would say the same about me. We are still learning how to love each other, and our marriage gets sweeter with every passing day. We have a beautiful, God-fearing and God-loving family, and we are now in a place where we are reaping the rewards of the investments that we have made into our marriage and family. I wish that for you, as well.
I totally agree with what you have said. I have been married to my husband for almost 35 years and we too have had our share of problems but we work everything out together. We also are God fearing people and we believe God gave us each other for a reason. Congratulations on your marriage.
DH have only been married three years, but I hope we can celebrate 50+years together. I was 17 and he was 22 when we married. I came into this marriage with A LOT A LOT A LOT of baggage. My husband didn't really have any at all. He had a pretty normal life growing up, the only major thing that happened is his father had died when he was 13. He had no other girlfriends before me, he was a virgin when we met. I mean he was and is just an angel. He is the hardest and most caring man I have ever met. In the three years we have been married we have had our share of ups and downs. Mostly due to my problems and a few finance issues. Nothing major though because he has always some how taken care of us and I am good at budgeting!
I on the other hand was a foster/group home child growing up because my mom neglected and abused me, as well as one of her boyfriends. So as you can imagine I had my share of trauma. I don't have any family either because my family is in Ukraine and I have no spoken to them since I was eight.
Anyways, I'm blabbering. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I definitely married my husband knowing it's forever. Divorce is not an option for us either.
Been married 23 years and I think the secret is simple love,friendship,honesty, and committment.
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I've been with my husband for 21+ years and we have been though things that would have torn many couples apart and landed them on other continents. We stuck together and we worked it out. We refused to give up just because things got hard or it looked like it would be easier to walk away.
We never lost the "us time" we had when we first got together, before bills, kids, life in general. Everyday, even if it is only for a few minutes before we both fall asleep we talk and we listen. Pretty much everyday we take a shower together, more "us time". We never pass on a chance to hug or smile, we flirt all the time. We stay in love by not losing it by omitting each other in our daily lives.
I think by not losing "us" in all the choas that has come and gone we are stronger now than we have ever been and I only see us getting stronger.
And just to share, he just brought me a bowl of some meat he's cooking for dinner tonight and OMG it is good!
Check out these Tasty Treats from The Stir's partners:
Family VS New Guy
- NannyB.
on Jan. 6, 2010 at 9:16 AM