Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Need advice on how to help my family

Posted by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 2:04 PM
  • 1 Replies
  • 374 Total Views

Hi Mamas~! I am new to this group and have had some issues with death...I lost many ppl in my life that were important to me...My Mom being one (I started a group here on CM to help me deal with that journey)...and many others. The person that I need the most help with is my neice.

My neice passed away March of 2008...she was only 12 yrs old. The healthiest kid...she got a bad sinus infection and went to the hospital twice before they finally admitted her. Once they admitted her things happened way fast! They did 3 brain surgeries (saying the infection was in her brain)...she was in a coma and passed away about a week later. The entire journey with her passing was the most intense thing I have ever seen! After the 1st surgery she woke up and was playing board games with ther mom, dad and 4 siblings. In a matter of a day she turned for the worse!

I live in AZ and my family is in OH...I jumped on a plane as soon as I could and 2 of my siblings picked me up from the airport...we went straight to the hospital and as I was getting off the elevator I saw my brother walking down the hall carrying my neices belongings...I was too late. Oh My God~! to see that kind of pain was too much and to live that kind of pain is so hard for me to imagine.

My brother and sister in law have taken this so hard as you can imagine! My brother will never be the same. The saddness in his eyes, in his heart, in his soul is so deep! My sister in law has been calling me for support with the holidays and as much as I want to be there for her...what do I say? what do I do? We freely talk about my neice..her favorite thing was a frog so when I take my son to the zoo the first thing we do is sit on the big frog statue and take a picture....thats my way of taking my neice to visit the zoo.

Please offer any advice on how to help my family and how to help me! Im dealing with the pain of my neice and our Mom and sometimes its too much.

For all of you Mamas who have lost in your life....Hugs! and thank you for helping me out!

by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 2:04 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-1):
by Group Owner on Jan. 3, 2009 at 5:44 PM

My condolences on your niece.  You do have a lot of weight on your shoulders right now. I'm so sorry.

It is very hard to help others through a grieving process,when you too are grieving right along with them.

You morn for the loss of your niece, but you also feel deeply for your Brother,his wife, and your Mom.

You are still having to deal with both the shock of this happening,and the shock, along with guilt, for showing up too late. That is very natural. It hurts, a LOT, none the less. Please try not to dwell on either. I know, easy to say.

I remember when my father died. All of us, were with him the entire time that he was in the hospital dying. He had been in a semi-coma for days, and my Mom desparately needed some things from home. We had decided that I would go get her some things & come straight back to the hospital. An hr round trip.

When I was headed to my father's room, several people started taking things out of my hands without saying a word. I knew something was wrong!

As I rounded the corner in the hall way, my brother wrapped his arms around me, and said; "he's gone!" I was so angry. Angry at myself for leaving,angry that he didn't hang on at least long enough for me to get back, etc.

It took awhile for me to get past that. I should have known better,yes; but that was my Daddy!

It will take a long time for your brother,and sister in law to be able to cope with this without it tearing them up inside.

It is very hard to loose someone close to you. It is even harder when you loose your child. You feel as though you did loose your heart & soul. You feel as though tomorrow doesn't count for anything. That all life, just stopped altogether.

The best thing that you can do, is to let them talk, until they can't talk any more. Let them cry,regardless of whether you cry also. Its Ok!!!

There will be times that they get angry...let them. Don't say anythingwhen they are expressesing themselves,unless you feel that you need to,at that time.

Most people, just simply want to be heard, And want you to feel what they are feeling. Yes, it is very difficult, but so important!

The frog thing is good. You and your son could buy a couple of frogs, and send to them to your brother and sister in law for both they memory of your niece at home and one for her grave.

Do the same for your Mom. Also, you could start some memory albums for your brother and your Mom. Get photos and find out other things that your niece liked. add pictures of those things to the memory album.

I hope this sorry

If you need anything else, let me know! 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)