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I still feel robbed of that whole birth experience

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:56 PM
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 I hate feeling this way.   I see friends going full term and I get jealous in a way.   A way that I was robbed of precious time that she should have stayed growing  and the whole labor and delivery experience.   My dd was born at 31 6/7 after someone hit me in my van and took off.  They tried for 2 days to stop the labor and finally when the contractions stopped I sat up in bed and my water broke.  They never caught the driver who hit me and even now 6 months later I am just heartbroken.   I am sure alot of us feel robbed like this.  How do you cope with it?   My daughter is growing well and thriving but will possibly need a major surgery in the coming months.   All this adds to my emotions.  

How do you cope.  

by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:56 PM
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savannabooker
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 3:27 PM
The way that I look at it I that I am in a special group of women that get to truly understand and respect what the meaning of birth is. I have had a "normal" birth and a preemie birth and I will never forget the exact details of that birth. I think that you just need to look at it in a different way :)
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MMerrill
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 3:32 PM
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I have a very hard time coping.  I feel robbed of my pregnancy, I feel robbed of a birth (I had an emergency c-section.)  I had to drive to the hospital daily just to look at my son in a glass box for the first 2 1/2 months of his life.

Meanwhile I sit and watch my cousin, sister-in-law and numerous friends have a perfect pregnancy.  With their birth plans, maternity pictures, everything I didn't get to have.  I watch friends who have just had babies over-produce milk while I can't even produce enough because I have had to use a pump for 2 1/2 months while my son was in the NICU.  

I know it sounds horrible of me to feel this way, what's most important is that my son is alive and healthy but I can't get over the loss of everything and I don't think I ever will.  I will never get my first pregnancy back.  I will never have that amazing moment when my son, my first baby, was laid on my chest after birth.  I never had that happy moment with my husband and baby.  It's just not fair.

So needless to say...I really have no words of advice except one day at a time I suppose.  You need to grieve and let it out, don't hold these feelings in or else they will build up until you explode.

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AmesCSki
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 5:47 PM
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I totally know how you feel. We had a baby moon planned we couldn't take. We had maternity pictures scheduled that didn't happen. My baby shower happened 2 months after the baby was born. I had an emergency C-Section when i wanted a vaginal birth. I get very emotional still and my preemie is 9 months old today. i hate hearing about people who go full term, I hate hearing about how much breast milk others produce, and I can't stand hearing about babies reaching milestones when they're supposed to and I get the most upset when my friends' and family members' babies gain weight like crazy. i still stress about every ounce of weight gained and lost, I worry about whether my baby is getting enough to eat and  I worry about when and if she will ever crawl. I tried breast feeding but my preemie was burning more calories than she was consuming so we had to stop. I had and still have a low milk supply, I still am pumping but she doesn't get much breast milk, I give her whatever I can. We are having a tough time with solids, but I don't want her to be on the Neosure preemie formula forever. Having a preemie is so worrisome and stressful. I absolutely love my baby and wouldn't trade her for anything, but I wish our experience had been different. I mourn the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy, I grieve over not having the birth experience I wanted. What's important is she's here, I love her and she's healthy even though she is small. But I do wish things had turned out differently. I wish I weren't so bitter towards others that had the experience I wanted, but this was my first pregnancy and it was perfect right up until my water broke unexpectedly 6 weeks early. Ugh. I think I need therapy. I was on antidepressants for a few months after my baby was born, but I've stopped taking them. Maybe I should go back on them.

Ladies, we're not alone in this...I'm glad we have this group and I'd like to make it more active and I know we are the only ones who can relate to having a preemie.

Mommy2TwinGirls
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 6:11 PM
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I always look at it in a positive way. I have 3 girls, twins that were born at 34 weeks & my youngest who was born at 32 weeks. Before them I lost 3 pregnancies 2 of which were in my second trimester. I'm just blessed & happy that my girls are happy & healthy! I hope the pain eases for you!
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garrettleesmom
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 6:17 PM
I have had those same feelings too, instead of a joyous day it was a scary one. My son was born at 32 1/2 weeks by c -section because my fluid was very low and he had not grown in 2 weeks. I see my friends and family go full term and get to hold and nurse their babies immediately. I remember being with my son in the nicu and watching moms come in and have their babies and go.home the next day. It is not fair, but from these posts ypu can see you are not alone we are in a special club that knows how precious our preemies truely are.
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ZZsMom
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 8:59 PM
I felt this way when he was in the hospital. It still stings to think back to the day he was born and I feel guilty when I think that it was NOT one of the best days of my life, it was one of the worst. It was scary and terrible and I spent the hours after he was born just sobbing. But my first pregnancy ended in a second trimester loss due to an incompetent cervix. I had to go in and deliver a baby that I knew was already gone. I'll carry that day and that loss with me for the rest of my life. So when I think about Xavier's birth, it makes me sad BUT he's here. His story is part of what makes him special. He's healthy and happy and I choose to focus on that because I know the alternative and it is so much worse.
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koalasami
by New Member on Jan. 9, 2013 at 1:12 PM

I adopted a preemie so I completely understand the feelings you are having even though it is in a different way.  I did not get to carry my babies or be there when they were born.  I did not get to protect them while they were growing inside of me and stop their birth mother from making the choices that have hurt them so.  It is hard not to have that time with them and the birth experience but I do think it becomes easier with time.  You learn to celebrate what you do have and the milestones they reach - even if it is later than it should be. 

zannahdeux
by Member on Jan. 10, 2013 at 3:29 PM
I can tell you it gets easier. My 32 week preemie is now 14 months and I just cherish that he is alive and finally caught up. Many women have reminded me that we really miss the worst part of pregnancy and our preemies made it while so many others don't. Try to see what you do have every day instead of what you don't. Everyone's path is different. I had no nausea but my baby was born early.. Would you really want yor cousins life? Husband? Prob not right? So what she was given there are other things in her life taken away or made hard...I have no doubt it all evens out. There is so much about people you don't know... Maybe that nice bug preggo you see on the street will deliver full term but will have a husband who cheats on her.... You just don't know. Trust that everyone has struggles... Ours happens to be how our babies came into the world. Hope this helps
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heartmom90
by New Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 10:08 PM

they say it gets easier with time. i unfortunaly never really thought about it much since i knew no matter what i was going to have to deliver early because of my heart effect. i was told my daugther was going to be born at 26 weeks but thankfully we made it to 36 weeks and 1 day. we've could have maybe held out longer but my daugther ended having d-cells.  and that day they thought they could an emgencry c-section thank god my cardiogolist wouldnt allow them. to do so but they had extrememly plan my c-section and i had to deliver in a cadrio surgery in case something would have happen. but i can see how you feel but remember what these other ladys have said we are part of a speical group.

OBImomma
by Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 7:21 PM
I had a full term baby, then my preemie(30 1/7), then a full term baby. My preemie, is 3, you'd never know she was a preemie. She's an early bird. She was born early, walked early, talked early. She wakes up early, goes to bed early. It's just who she is. I don't feel like I missed out. I just had a different experience with her
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