I have been reading these posts and I'm so amazed at the human spirit! I, too, am a Mom to a preemie, Emily, Emmy for short. She is my first and she was born Monday September 5, 2006 at exactly 37 weeks. I want to write this post to try and find support for what my family and I went through, talk to other mothers who have had similar experiences. All mothers have a bond but I think mothers of preemies, especially those admitted in to NICU, share a much stronger bond. I'm going to write this in exact detail so I hope it isn't TMI.
On Saturday September 2, I was taking a nap and when I awoke and went to sit up, I felt something leak just a little bit. I went to the bathroom and wiped and there was a lot of mucus. I had heard the mucus plug can shed so I didn't worry about it. Slept Saturday night, and went about my daily routine Sunday. Sunday night I didn't get any rest at all. I kept leaking just a little bit, nothing that would have alarmed me into thinking is was fluid, I kept thinking it was mucus because it just kept leaking every so often, not continuously. Anyway, Monday morning my husband and I decide to go to the hospital, Labor Day, September 4th, and I'm a keeper. I immediately start crying and call my Mom. There is danger of infection, I needed to be admitted right away. At 2:31am on September 5, Emily was finally born. I was so happy and hungry! I hear the nurse say something about wheezing and they want to do skin to skin. They lay her on me and I just melt at the idea of finally holding my daughter. A few minutes later they take her away to the nursery taking my husband also. When they finally take me to my room we pass the nursery and my husband is pacing, what he does when he's trying to find a solution to a problem.
When they get me to my room, my husbad comes in and he's crying, 'she's not doing good, babe'. I keep telling him everything's fine, it's all precautionary. In my exhausted state, I keep thinking everything's fine. A short time later, they bring her in and tell me to say goodbye, they're taking her to NICU. 'OK, bye' was all I could muster. The nurse writes the extension to NICU and says I can call anytime to check on her. I'm still thinking this is all normal, not realizing the severity of it all. Finally, I think 'well she is my baby maybe I should call and check on her'. I call NICU and they say they have her on an IV and oxygen and blah, blah, blah, not good. I hang up and the realization hits me like a mack truck. I start crying and my Mom and husband wake up to me bawling. We decide to go down and see her. My tiny little girl is hooked up to all these machines and she looks so helpless. I immediately start crying again although I feel disconnected from my daughter, like I'm not her mother. I can't explain it, I know she's mine but I don't feel like her Mom. The nurse asks me if I want to hold while she explains all the machines and what's going on. I hold her through my tears and just keep telling her I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, I should have known it was my water breaking, I'm so, so, so, sorry. My husband and Mom just keep telling me to try and be strong. The doctor ends up telling me it looks like she's going to be here for a week, NO!!!!!! I wanted to scream, I wanted to yank all the tubes and monitors and run home with my daughter. SHE"S MINE.
I didn't go to NICU much, if I did I only stayed for a few minutes, which I felt guilty for. I couldn't hold her. She had an underdeveloped lung and getting her mad or excited would make her breathe harder and faster. If I couldn't hold her, what's the point? I couldn't hold her, she wasn't eating from a bottle, I couldn't bathe her, and it killed me seeing her like that. For a week, I battled this. One day my Mom and I went to deliver my pumped milk and the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her. 'Can I?' 'Well, she's your baby, you can do what you want.' I don't think that nurse knows that was the best day of my life, I still have a picture of that day of me holding her in Emily's room.
After that day, Emily made fast progress. She ended up being in the hospital for 12 days because the doctors weren't sure if she had pneumonia or an underdeveloped lung and wanted her on antibiotics for the standard 10 days that comes with pneumonia.
I still hold myself responsible for her being in NICU, it's a feeling I can't shake. Emily is happy, healthy and you would never know she was sick. The nurses were always great, answering all of our questions, explaining things 20 different ways if we didn't understand. We were allowed to call or visit at any time of the day or night (except during shift change). They were our guardian angels. This experience is something I NEVER thought I would go through. If there are any Moms going throught this or went through it and need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to. Some people have told me to get over it but unless you've gone through it, you don't know. I hate not having a happy family portrait of her being minutes old or her in her crib next to my bed in the hospital. I was stripped of those happy memories, and I'm sure there are other mothers who feel the same. Although, I am so blessed my daughter will never know what she went through and she will play with the other kids and not have to worry.
On Saturday September 2, I was taking a nap and when I awoke and went to sit up, I felt something leak just a little bit. I went to the bathroom and wiped and there was a lot of mucus. I had heard the mucus plug can shed so I didn't worry about it. Slept Saturday night, and went about my daily routine Sunday. Sunday night I didn't get any rest at all. I kept leaking just a little bit, nothing that would have alarmed me into thinking is was fluid, I kept thinking it was mucus because it just kept leaking every so often, not continuously. Anyway, Monday morning my husband and I decide to go to the hospital, Labor Day, September 4th, and I'm a keeper. I immediately start crying and call my Mom. There is danger of infection, I needed to be admitted right away. At 2:31am on September 5, Emily was finally born. I was so happy and hungry! I hear the nurse say something about wheezing and they want to do skin to skin. They lay her on me and I just melt at the idea of finally holding my daughter. A few minutes later they take her away to the nursery taking my husband also. When they finally take me to my room we pass the nursery and my husband is pacing, what he does when he's trying to find a solution to a problem.
When they get me to my room, my husbad comes in and he's crying, 'she's not doing good, babe'. I keep telling him everything's fine, it's all precautionary. In my exhausted state, I keep thinking everything's fine. A short time later, they bring her in and tell me to say goodbye, they're taking her to NICU. 'OK, bye' was all I could muster. The nurse writes the extension to NICU and says I can call anytime to check on her. I'm still thinking this is all normal, not realizing the severity of it all. Finally, I think 'well she is my baby maybe I should call and check on her'. I call NICU and they say they have her on an IV and oxygen and blah, blah, blah, not good. I hang up and the realization hits me like a mack truck. I start crying and my Mom and husband wake up to me bawling. We decide to go down and see her. My tiny little girl is hooked up to all these machines and she looks so helpless. I immediately start crying again although I feel disconnected from my daughter, like I'm not her mother. I can't explain it, I know she's mine but I don't feel like her Mom. The nurse asks me if I want to hold while she explains all the machines and what's going on. I hold her through my tears and just keep telling her I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, I should have known it was my water breaking, I'm so, so, so, sorry. My husband and Mom just keep telling me to try and be strong. The doctor ends up telling me it looks like she's going to be here for a week, NO!!!!!! I wanted to scream, I wanted to yank all the tubes and monitors and run home with my daughter. SHE"S MINE.
I didn't go to NICU much, if I did I only stayed for a few minutes, which I felt guilty for. I couldn't hold her. She had an underdeveloped lung and getting her mad or excited would make her breathe harder and faster. If I couldn't hold her, what's the point? I couldn't hold her, she wasn't eating from a bottle, I couldn't bathe her, and it killed me seeing her like that. For a week, I battled this. One day my Mom and I went to deliver my pumped milk and the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold her. 'Can I?' 'Well, she's your baby, you can do what you want.' I don't think that nurse knows that was the best day of my life, I still have a picture of that day of me holding her in Emily's room.
After that day, Emily made fast progress. She ended up being in the hospital for 12 days because the doctors weren't sure if she had pneumonia or an underdeveloped lung and wanted her on antibiotics for the standard 10 days that comes with pneumonia.
I still hold myself responsible for her being in NICU, it's a feeling I can't shake. Emily is happy, healthy and you would never know she was sick. The nurses were always great, answering all of our questions, explaining things 20 different ways if we didn't understand. We were allowed to call or visit at any time of the day or night (except during shift change). They were our guardian angels. This experience is something I NEVER thought I would go through. If there are any Moms going throught this or went through it and need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to. Some people have told me to get over it but unless you've gone through it, you don't know. I hate not having a happy family portrait of her being minutes old or her in her crib next to my bed in the hospital. I was stripped of those happy memories, and I'm sure there are other mothers who feel the same. Although, I am so blessed my daughter will never know what she went through and she will play with the other kids and not have to worry.
Posted by
on Feb. 12, 2007 at 8:50 PM
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by
Member
on Feb. 12, 2007 at 9:03 PM
I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself and move on. It wasn't your fault your daughter had to be in the NICU. It happens. However, I know it takes a long time to overcome and you can't be rushed. I hope your family can understand and let you replay things as many times as you need to. My twins are nearly 2 years old and I still relive all the 3 of us went through to get them here.
I spent 9 weeks in the hospital on complete bed-rest until they were born at 29 weeks. I felt more like I was sick than pregnant. They were in the hospital for 7 weeks and I can totally relate to feeling like they belonged to the NICU and I was just a visitor. It is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to endure. It is also one of the most beautiful. Watching God work miracle after miracle is awesome!! You feel the way you feel, don't let anyone try to minimize the hurt and pain you went through. It will take some time to heal emotionally, but it will happen, especially as you see your precious miracle grow and flourish. Thanks for sharing your story.
by
Group Admin
on Feb. 13, 2007 at 8:40 AM
Oh Dearheart,
I have had all of these feelings you are experiencing more than once so rest assured, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are right, moms of preemies have a special bond that no one else can understand unless they have been though it. It just isn't right that we are not able to hold our child after they are born. I hate to wait a month with Emma. It took me almost a year after Emma was home to actually sit back and think about everything we went through in the NICU. It's an experience you cannot put into words but the feelings remain in your heart forever.
I know it's hard not to blame yourself but look, there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You remained in the hospital and did everything you could have done. You are always going to have feelings of "what if" but nonetheless you are Emily's mommy, no one else and there is no doubt that you love her more than anything and she knows it.
It's a rough journey I know. Now that my Emma is 3, I do alot of speaking for the March of Dimes at their local events. I tell my story and each time I feel my heart healing a bit more. You will never forget Emily's time in the NICU but I know that one day you will learn to embrace it and realize that it has made you stronger!
Please know that we are here for you.
Hugs, Donna
I have had all of these feelings you are experiencing more than once so rest assured, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are right, moms of preemies have a special bond that no one else can understand unless they have been though it. It just isn't right that we are not able to hold our child after they are born. I hate to wait a month with Emma. It took me almost a year after Emma was home to actually sit back and think about everything we went through in the NICU. It's an experience you cannot put into words but the feelings remain in your heart forever.
I know it's hard not to blame yourself but look, there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You remained in the hospital and did everything you could have done. You are always going to have feelings of "what if" but nonetheless you are Emily's mommy, no one else and there is no doubt that you love her more than anything and she knows it.
It's a rough journey I know. Now that my Emma is 3, I do alot of speaking for the March of Dimes at their local events. I tell my story and each time I feel my heart healing a bit more. You will never forget Emily's time in the NICU but I know that one day you will learn to embrace it and realize that it has made you stronger!
Please know that we are here for you.
Hugs, Donna
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nicu moms how long were u in?
- EmilyCMom
on Feb. 12, 2007 at 8:50 PM