Hi, all,
I'm new here, but I just needed a place where I could share my story.
I just gave birth to a stillborn son on January 31, 2010. I was two days shy of being 37 weeks. It was a Saturday (Jan. 30), and I was home with my two older girls (ages 4 and 2). My husband was working, but I was growing increasingly concerned all day long because I hadn't felt good fetal movement since I had woken up. My husband was supposed to work until 7 p.m., but I called him home early because I felt like I needed to go to the ER. He came home around 5 p.m., and I rushed off to the hospital by myself. I got right in at the ER, and they assured me that everything was probably fine. I was hopeful.
The ER nurse hooked me up to a fetal monitor but couldn't find a heartbeat. She said it could just be the position of the baby. A few minutes later, a doctor and another nurse swooped in with a portable ultrasound monitor and looked blankly at the screen for several minutes. I could tell that they were just trying to find the right way to tell me my baby was gone. The told me, "We can't find a heartbeat. We're so sorry."
I know I gasped and cried in that minute, but then I felt so numb. I called my husband and immediately sent him into a panic. He had to call his parents to watch the girls so he could come to the hospital. I waited almost an hour before he arrived. What happened after that is sort of a blur. I was brought up to a special wing of the hospital, reserved for these situations. The nurse induced labor a few hours after I was admitted to the hospital. I labored through the night and into the next morning. I was given a lot of pain medication in my epidural, and I had requested sleeping pills--so at least I was not in as much discomfort.
Our son was (still) born at 11:30 a.m., January 31. I had to call the nurse to come quickly into the room, as the baby just came without my pushing. The doctor wasn't even there. The baby was perfect--5 pounds, 7 ounces, 18 inches. No visible defects. No knot in the cord. There was some meconium in the amniotic fluid, indicating a trauma--but no visible trauma was detected. We named him Matthew David.
We encountered so many conflicting opinions about his funeral. But we finally decided on having our baby cremated--after the hospital conducted an autopsy on his body. We held a memorial service at a nearby funeral home several days later, which our pastor led and which was attended only by immediate family members. We are planning to bury the cremains in a cemetery in my home town (6 hours from where I currently live)--next to my maternal grandmother, who also experienced a stillbirth in the 9th month. We are hoping to hold that graveside service sometime this summer.
It has been six weeks since the stillbirth. I don't remember much of the first week or two except gut-wrenching sobs. The continuous sobbing has stopped, I guess, but Matthew is still on my mind almost every minute. We are still waiting for autopsy results, although I did test positive for an infection of the placenta. If nothing else is found, this will be the official cause.
Everyone responds to stillbirth in such diferent ways, and it's been difficult to know "how to feel." Mostly, it just SUCKS!
My other two girls keep me going--they still need meals made, diapers chaged, bedtimes enforced, etc., and their world doesn't stop just because mommy and daddy are sad. This is mostly a good thing. But I'm waiting for the pain to die down--and it hasn't.
My husband and I would like to try for another baby soon--my doctor said three months, and we're halfway there. I haven't had fertility issues or any problems with my other two pregnancies, so I hope it happens quickly and without any issues. Even so, I know I'm going to be a nervous wreck until I have another child in my arms.
I share my story simply because it feels good to write it, but if my story is a comfort to anyone else out there, I'm glad. Sometimes it's just helpful to know that we are not alone. Thanks for listening.
My heart breaks all ove again, everytime I hear that someone else had to suffer too. I am so sorry. I lost my son Jonathon at 29 weeks, on Jan 6 2009. Its a year later, and its better, but hes never NOT on my mind. I list him with all of my kids, even though he isn't physically here. I too had 3 other kids that needed me to continue on, otherwise, I'm not sure I would have come out as strong as I have. I remember the first few months, and all the first year "firsts" that weren't. That was bad. His due date was the worst. But now I can talk about him and not cry, and sometimes I can even look at his pic and smile. He was beautiful and I know hes here with me all the time. I wish I had words to make it better, or could just hug you and cry. But since I can't just know we are all here for you anytime you need to vent, cry, talk...anything. Hang in there...I'm sure he was absolutely beautiful! 
I totally agree with the last post..my heart sobs all over again...i am very sorry for your loss..we will never understand why..but as long as we can talk and express all we can it helps a bit..and as for the time march 24th will be one year and i almost feel guilty if i dont cry or talk to-about him everyday..i hope your pain eases in time..take care of those kids!!
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Matthew, please know you are not alone, there are many who understand and support you. Our family had the same experience in Oct 2009 we have 4 girls and our son Isaiah was stillborn Oct 2, 2009 at 30 weeks. I also had to take care of the youngest who was 4 at the time when everything happened. She still needed me to care for her as well as take everyone else to school etc. This site is such a source of comfort, even through the difficult days and nights. Please take the time to share your feelings, and do what you need to do to find peace in your heart to move forward. No one will ever be able to define your pain, but there are those who have been through it and can help you . This site has helped me tremendously when there was no one who understood me. My thoughts are prayers are with you and you family during this sad time. Take your time, move at your pace .
Sharon
Thank you to those who have replied. You are very sweet. I'm just wondering if you all received an answer as to why the stillbirth happened. I just got a call from my doctor yetersday that all of the test results are in, and she's having me meet with a high risk specialist to go over those results. I'm nervous, but I'm hoping the news is helpful in general--and especially helpful in knowing how to prevent it in another pregnancy if/when that happens. Wish me luck. :)
Hello,
I agree my heart breaks when i hear someone else had to go through the loss of a child. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our first daughter at 21 weeks gestation. She was diagnosed with down syndrome after an amnio was done at 14 weeks. She was due October 28th 2007. I went into labor and had Alyson on June 1st 2007she was 8oz and 9 inches long. The doctor was optimistic that they would be able to inti-bate her when she was born, it didn't work. They did an autopsy and the hole she had in her heart was to big and wasn't closing. We had her cremated and she is buried between my grandparents. She would be 3 this year. My heart and my thoughts go out to you. We know have a 17 month old daughter that is very healthy and to smart for her own good.
Thank you,
Kaci
Proud Army Wife!
My heart breaks for you as well! Its been 9 years since our daughter was stillborn and 5 years since our first baby boy passed away at 3 days old! The pain has never gone away for me. I get through the days, and I live my life, but I still cry and miss them terribly. I find that birthdays and holidays are worse than "normal" days! May God put his arms around you and comfort you!
We had the autopsy done, and I still haven't heard anything about the results even though I have requested them 3 times. The did day that it was an infarction of the placenta they believe, which I was told was basically like my placenta had a heart attack. They said it was a complete fluke, and theres nothing anyone could have done to change it. They said that the likelyhood of it happening again are like hundreds of thousands to 1. But my Fiance still says no more. Thats what I am struggling with now.
Im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry hun.... I know how you feel... But yo feel however you want and grieve however you need to... Its been 16 wks 1 day since I had my daughter Kaytlin I was 37 1/2/ wks when I wen to a routine wkly appt where they cldnt find a hrtbeat. I had already beein labor the whole night so they didnt have to induce me but I'll never forget or let her memory fade because our babies WERE here she was 6 lbs 8 oz 19 1/2 inches long perfect in every way no abnormalties either come to find out I had a clot in my umbilical cord... It hurts as much today as it did n Im sure it will for awhile ppl Ive talked to that have been thru this say the 1st year is hardest... I pray for you to find peace of mind and in your heart as do I... We knew them we carried them... Its very heartbreaking to know yet another person has to endure this and Im so sorry... May you find peace hun.... God Bless you sweety....
For cultural reasons we do not do an autopsy..but we knew from my 14 week sono that my baby had a condition called posterior urethral valves..his kidneys wound up failing and i went almost 3 months with 0 fluid.....but even though i was prepared and knew it..it didnt help as much as i thought it would.
Just met with the specialty doctor yesterday to go over the autopsy/genetic testing/placental results. Initially, they thought the baby died of an infection because there was bacteria found in the placenta. However, the autopsy revealed no signs of infection in the fetus. They did find, however, that the placenta was half the size it should have been and that the cells in it were basically "overworked" (I forget the medical term). Essentially, because my placenta was so small, it was overworked and couldn't keep up with the needs--oxygen and nutrients--of a growing baby after about the 8th month. My son died from lack of oxygen. Apparently, the placenta is hard to measure on an ultrasound, so there was really no way to detect a small placenta. And since the baby was growing normally until after my 20-week ultrasound, they didn't detect any growth restriction. I was still measuring normally at my check-ups.
I actually feel very good about this diagnosis. The stillbirth was not related to something genetic, and the findings did not find out any chronic problems with my own health. Hence, statistically, the chances of this happening again are very, very slim.
It doesn't bring my son back, but I do feel like it is a little easier to move on, knowing that we have a definitive answer about his death...
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- suzyQ329
on Mar. 16, 2010 at 3:02 PM