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Trying to conceive after stillbirth

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 11:15 AM
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This time last year I was conceiving my daughter Gwen. It's a very painful time for me especially the upcoming months.

I knew I was pregnant, but didn't test until I missed my period a few days after the new year. I was  a little shocked that I was actually pregnant not sure why we weren't using birth control so it was pretty likely...really. In April I found out we were having a little girl! Two weeks after that I went shopping and bought a bunch of stuff for her. I had a follow up ultrasound in May because I had some bleeding from 10-15 weeks. We went to the appointment to find out my little girl had no heartbeat. It had to have happened that day because she was kicking and moving around that evening...I felt horrible like I should've known. Horrible aching feeling.

I was induced a few days later they believed her death was due to a placental abruption. I had so much blood in my uterus a lot of it was old and so many clots. They believed I had been slowly bleeding out for weeks. I never had any real signs I had a little bit of bleeding, but it all had stopped at around 15 weeks. I guess my cervix just held it in well. To make matters worse during her birth my placenta didn't want to come out. They waited almost an hour before they decided I'd need help especially since I was still losing a lot of blood. The doctor came in and the most horrible pain of my life was them scraping the inside of my uterus. I was on a drip of pain killers, but they did nothing for the pain especially once they put me on pitocin. I was induced with cytotec because of how premature she was, the pitocin was just to get my uterus to begin cramping to aid in delivery of her placenta. After they finally got all of it out I was able to spend time with my daughter and take pictures.  My little girl weighed in at 1lb 1oz and 11 inches long she was pretty big for only being 22-23 weeks along. That tore my heart apart knowing she was a healthy baby nothing wrong and my body failed her and me.

I was told to take my time before trying to conceive again to give it about 4 months befcause of the complicated delivery. I went on birth control and decided my husband and I would talk about trying again in a few months. In September hubby and I talked and I went off my birth control we used condoms until october our "start" date for trying again. So far it has been a no go, but it's given me time to really process everything. To begin trusting my body again. Telling myself that my body can grow a perfectly healthy baby and what happened was a freak accident. Not my fault, my doctors fault, not my midwives fault, or anyone elses fault. I mean I have a 2 year old son I've given birth before to a healthly baby yet I'm still terrified of this happening all over again.

So here we are in December the month I concieved our little girl. I was half hoping I'd get pregnant in November so I wouldn't have the same due month...I was not so lucky. I'm so scared this month will work and I'll have to walk on egg shells scared it happen all over again the exact same way. I mean I got my period on the same day...I would be due the same day. It feels like it's playing all over again in my head. At the same time I'm scared it won't happen I'll be devastated. My son took me 3 months to become pregnant, gwen took me a year of off and on trying, and here we are on good ol' month #3.

I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. Everything is all up in the air. I don't want to commit to anything it seems. Some days I don't even know if I want another baby because the baby will never be the little girl I had, the little girl I loved, wanted, hoped, and was prepared for. I feel like a terrible person for saying that. I just want my little girl...I don't want anyone else and at the same time I desperately want to be pregnant again and raise another litlte baby. I'm so confused and mixed up. My husband keeps telling me to relax and let everything go the way it's going to go. I guess that's what I've been trying to do.

Not sure if this post really had a point...I needed to vent this out.

by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 11:15 AM
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Replies (1-3):
Retana86
by New Member on Dec. 21, 2008 at 9:15 PM

 

i just lost my son december 6th this year. i was 37 weeks he was pretty much full term. i was fine the day before and never had any signs of nothing. but the placenta busted and blood flow went right back to the baby and he heartbeat stopped. i feel like i lost everything and like it was my fault. i really miss him alot. but what is really keeping me strong is my lil 3 year old boy i have. i have to stay strong for him and i'm thankful i have him cause i had complications with him. but i should of known this whole pregnancy i was awful sick with but every test and everything was turning out fine my body was just too small to carry full term and the placenta got too big for me. so hang in there and if u ever need to talk i'm here. i'm having a hard time as each day goes by and i don't have my baby and especially gettng close to christmas. take care.

 

txtykade
by New Member on Dec. 25, 2008 at 11:14 PM

I wish you the best of luck.  I have been through it all.  Here is my story.  I was pregnant with twin girls.  I had a son who was five at the time.  His pregnancy was fine, no problems.  I worked up until I had him.  He was 7 lbs, 10 oz and healthy.  When I got pregnant with my twins, I was floored.  Twins???  How??? WE had an ultrasound and they were girls, in seperate sacs.  Fraternal.  Wow.  We were so excited.  So was my mom...they would be the ONLY grandaughters in the family.  She has all grandsons.  Anyway, I was at a friends birthday party and I felt like I had to use restroom.  Anyway, water broke, called 911, went to hosp.  Since the water broke out of one sac, we had to deliver, it was inevitbale.  I was almost 24 weeks.  I did, my beautiful baby girl, Kameron, was only 13 ounces and stillborn.  No heartbeat at all.  I held her, but her daddy couldn't.  I was preparing for her sister to come.  But, she didn't.  They did cut Kamerons cord, and my body retracted it back up inside me. My cervix closed back up.  I bled alot, but there was hope.  Dr said if I made it past three days or so without any iinfection, I was hopeful.  Well, all was good, except for mourning the loss of baby Kameron.  How do you feel??  Sad about Kameron, hopeful for her sister???  Wierd, and very emotional.  Day 10, I started to feel contractions.  My temp had risen to 105, and that threw my body into labor and there was nothing they could do.  I delivered my beautiful Kaitlyn and she weighed 1 ib 1 oz and was alive, but heartrate was very low.  She never opend her eyes, but grabbed my finger and pushed her tiny foot against my hand.  She looked jsut like her daddy, spitting image.  Wow.  I had to go to ICU cause of the raging infection from Kameron's cord. I told them I have a son to  care for, do what you have to.  They did not have to do a hysterectomy and the fever and infection was finally controlled.  I left the hospital so empty.  All that work, for nothing.  All the joy and hope, I was mentally exhausted.  My girls, were gone and I had to tell my son. He wouldn't be a big brother just yet.  I didn' think he would ever. After a few months we discussed trying.  It was so hard emotionally.  I just couldn't go through anything like that again...no way.  I would die!  But, we did try after I got the o.k. from my dr, and we got prego the first time...6 months after having my baby girls!!  I had a cerclage put in at 12 weeks to ensure I don't prematurly open up.  The pregnancy was hard, I was on bedrest, and couldn't work.  I had to be on disability.  But, at 36 weeks they took the cerclage out and I made it to 39 weeks and had a healthy baby boy..we named Kaden.  So, there is hope.  It is not easy.  But, I wanted to give my older son a sibling.  And I knew I could do it again.  What happened with my girls only made me angrier..you know.  I was pissed.  I wanted to show everyone I could do it again.  I know it sounds wierd.  Anyway, good luck and I hope my story helps.  My girls would be three years old right now.  But, I wouldn't have Kaden.  So, i am truely blessed.  I know my girls are in heaven and in good arms.  I will see them again.

sharralee
by New Member on Apr. 5, 2009 at 1:43 AM

thank u for posting your story it has helped me in so many ways our story is very similar, i was pregnant with twin boys i started having some lower pains and went to my doctor and she said it was just my stomach still stretching 2 days later the cramps were getting more intense so i went to the hospital, turns out i was having contractions, they gave me something to try and stop the contractions but i ended up throwing them up, i was admitted into hospital and at 3am on sunday the 14th decemeber 08 i started going into hard labor, at 23 weeks, my water broke during the delivery, Dante survived for  2 hours and 3 minutes but his lungs were too underdeveloped and Dustin was stillborn, due to twin to twin transfusin (when Dante was born all the blood rushed into dustin and his heart couldnt handle it) i lost almost a litre of blood thro the delivery, all the test results come back and they dont know what caused the early labor there putting it down to too much strain on my cervix, its been just over 3 months and me and my partner have discussed trying again for another baby, but as u said urself its so hard because i dont think i could deal with something like this again, this was my first pregnancy so its hard to have faith in my own body, but i do want another baby, im very glad to hear ur last pregnancy went well and just think my 2 baby boys and ur 2 baby girls are up there together :)

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