Expecting with Step-Children

[QueenofMean]

My husband, who has two children from a previous marriage, and I have been together for five years and have recently decided to try to have a child of our own.  We started talking to the kids about it a couple months back to warm them up to the idea and met no resistance - if anything some excitement.  However, recently my husband and I have started taking steps to prepare for a possible pregnancy.  My husband was talking to his daughter (12) the other night and brought up the idea painting the baby's room and his daughter got extremely upset.  She told her father that she doesn't want us to have children and that she doesn't want new sibling, even though she has a younger brother already.  She even went as far as to tell her mother that she does not want to visit while I am pregnant.  I can not help but to be a little upset about the whole situation.  Not in a personal way, but just as an overall concern.  I hate to see her upset.  Her father and mother do not have the best working relationship so I have always tried to make every effort to help keep him close to both of his kids.  I know how extremely important the father-child relationship is to all of them.  Her father and I have agreed that we will continue to try to have a child, but I wonder how we might best approach the situation with the kids, especially her, to make them more open to the idea.  I do understand how they could feel threatened by the idea, as would any child expecting a younger sibling, but to such an extreme?

I am open to all opinions/advice.

[SeLaVie]

Hi!  I don't know how qualified I am to comment on this, as I have a stepdaughter but no children "of my own."  But here's my two cents:  Like you said, we all know that biological children often display jealousy and resistance to the idea of a new baby coming into the family, especially when they are as old as 12.  Your stepdaughter is probably doubly worried that the baby will replace her in her father's eyes, and the fact that the baby will live with their dad full time - while the other two kids don't - makes it  even more threatening.  So I think you are already on the right track by acknowledging and being concerned about their feelings.

I wonder if, when your stepdaughter told her mom about your plans, her mom displayed anxiety or disapproval or jealousy in front of her kids, and that is why your stepdaughter has had a change of heart.  It could also be because the idea wasn't real to her until your husband started talking about painting the baby's room. 

If you include the kids - especially the 12 year-old -  in the pregnancy, maybe give them some input like colors, or even in choosing a name, stress to them how important their role will be in the baby's life and in the family, include them in conversations but also make sure you have a lot of conversations with them about just them, without talking about the baby, maybe even try to sit down with their mother and reassure them that she is ok with this, that no one is going to forget about them, maybe that would help?  And even if it doesn't help right now, if you show them all of this in your actions after the baby is born, I think that would go a long way towards making them feel secure.  Make sure each of his kids get the chance to have special bonding days with their dad, with just them, so that they know they are still and always will be special to him.  I do applaud you for making the effort to keep him close to his kids, instead of trying to widen the rift between him and his ex.  You are a good stepmom, and you will be a great mom!! 

Remember, too, that just because you married someone with children doesn't mean that YOUR feelings and your life get relegated to the back burner.  I think it is ok for you to be upset personally about the situation; I would be!  Take the kids' feelings into consideration, but acknowledge your own feelings too, because otherwise, you will end up resenting everyone.  Maybe try to explain to the 12 year-old that just like she will want children of her own someday, just like her mom wanted children of her own, you want that too.  And it doesn't mean that you love them any less, it's that you have more than enough love to go around.

Best of luck to you!

[laird6372]

I agree with the PP. Although it may upset the children at first, you still have EVERY right to want to have a child with your DH. Eventually they will like the idea. She probably just thinks the baby will push her out of the picture, or get all the attention. Often children don't realize that just because parents have another baby it doesn't mean they are forgotten or unwanted. Heck, even full biological siblings can feel the same way. But it tends to be worse when there is a stepparent in the picture, because they think daddy/mommy's new baby is more important because he/she was born with his/her new wife/husband. They see that mommy and daddy have moved past their marriage and onto a new SO, and they are afraid the same will happen to them when their new SO and them have a baby. Divorce (or parents who never stayed together in general) makes kids self conscious, always wondering if they are good enough, and when a parent wants a new child, they think it even more. I was lucky enough that my SD actually encourage it! Heck, before I could even tell her I was pregnant with my DS, she said "Are you pregnant? Are you and daddy going to have a baby?" My jaw just dropped, because I had told DH that HE would be the one to tell her, because I figured it'd be easier on her. DH walked up when he saw my face and asked what was going on. So he told SD "Yes, we are. Would you like a baby brother or sister?" and she yelled "SISTER!!" lol. Well, second time around she got her wish. lol. Anyway, a few things to keep in mind with SC, or any child... 1) Be sure to include them in as much as you can with the pregnancy (ultrasounds, picking out stuff for the baby, choosing names, reading to the baby, etc) 2)Be sure to explain to them that even though a new baby is coming, they will always hold the same special place in your hearts and you will NEVER love them any less. 3)Make sure to have special things just for them. Maybe once you are pregnant and you find out, have a BIG SISTER party or something. Be sure to plan special days just for them, where NOTHING comes up about the baby. 4)Talk to BM about it, and see if she can help reassure the kids. Then your DH, BM, and you need to reassure them that Daddy will NEVER love them any less than he does now, and that no one will ever take their place. That he loves, and will continue to love, ALL his children equally. He won't love this baby any more than them just because he/she is new, or because he/she was made with you. 5)If the child is still at the age where she likes dolls, get her one. Let her take care of the doll to learn how to care for a baby, and then once the baby is here, she can help with the baby (like helping you make a bottle if you plan to bottle feed, helping with changing a diaper--if you are comfortable with that. we don't let SD change diapers, or even be near the babies when they are getting change--helping you pick out outfits and dress the baby, etc). 6)See if any of their friends have stepparents, and if their BM/SD or BF/SM have had kids, to show them that they are still loved just as much. I hope this helps a little. Like I said, we never had issues with this. I wish you and your family the best, and hope you can concieve soon!