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unhappy...

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 10:52 AM
  • 10 Replies

i have been married for almost 3 years and had a baby in April. since having my daughter my husband and i really dont spend much time together.  i am always taking car of my daughter.  i feed and change her and play with her. all my husband does is play on the computer. i have tried telling him how i feel and for a day he will be a good husband and a good father but the next day things go back to normal.  we have only had sex like 6 times since my daughter was born and she is 9 months old.  i got married at 20 and now i am wondering if i made a mistake.  he wants to have another baby but i keep telling him i am not having anymore children unless he changes. i really dont know what to do and it makes me so sad...could use some advice.

 

Lilypie - (7nRp)

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 10:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KCornett04
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 11:09 AM

I know how you are feeling. Im in the same situation right now. Sadly it looks like our only solution is me leaving him. My SO thinks he is being a good parent when he passes our DD to his parents upstairs so he can play video games. It is getting so bad that my DD is calling her grandma mom. Im hoping your situation gets better.

qutekylie
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 11:24 AM

wow for a second there I swear you were talking about me and my hubbys realtionship haha. We have 2 kids, and like your DH, he doens't help a whole lot bc he works 3rd shift so hes gone all night and sleeps all day. I am pretty much on my own. And when DH is home he is on the computer, (maybe we are married to the same guy!?! haha) I would say wait on the 2nd baby, it obvioulsy is harder than one, and if you don't get help now from he, he definitly won't help later on, he needs to prove to you now that he is going to be there for you, and then have #2. good luck!

Lindsey~proud mommy to Kylie (8-4-06) & Peyton (9-24-07)


Crafty421
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:31 PM

My SO and I have been off/on for 7 years now.  On for 3 of them.  We had a son in May of 2009.

Our relationship has changed drastically.  In the bedroom and outside of it.

It's a neverending process....relationships!

One day he may be the perfect father and husband...the next, not so much.

Maybe he is bored.....or is uninterested in such a young child.  It's hard to be so blunt in my own reality.  But it's the truth....Some men just don't know what to do with a child so young!!!

Have you tried involving him in different activities?  My son and I will go for walks, I invite SO, knowing he doesn't like to walk unless there's a destination (lol)...I do it just for the exercise and fresh air....

Sometimes I just hand my SO a book and tell him to read to our son....he will.

I guess you really just have to work that much harder at trying to involve him and show him what he could be doing.  I feel that's the only way.....

I wouldn't give up too quickly, you are still so new in your marriage.  I hear the first years of marriage are some of the hardest!!!  (That's from my mother who's been married to my dad for 42 years!!!)

mompatrol
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:55 PM

Well it sounds like you need some time with your husband; I would take one or two days out of the month for you and your husband to get out of the house for a couple hours..my husband and I have run into these times where we feel like we haven't seen each other, ask a family member if they could watch the baby for two hours while you take a break.  This is how my husband and I think about our family; Your husband and you are the foundation of your family, if your relationship is suffering as does the rest of your home..therefore you need to work on your intimate relationship and then discuss how you two will parent.  I also agree with the above statement, he may not know what to do with baby..show him some things that will help him get involved more. 

CptDejahThoris
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:09 PM


Quoting mompatrol:

Well it sounds like you need some time with your husband; I would take one or two days out of the month for you and your husband to get out of the house for a couple hours..my husband and I have run into these times where we feel like we haven't seen each other, ask a family member if they could watch the baby for two hours while you take a break.  This is how my husband and I think about our family; Your husband and you are the foundation of your family, if your relationship is suffering as does the rest of your home..therefore you need to work on your intimate relationship and then discuss how you two will parent.  I also agree with the above statement, he may not know what to do with baby..show him some things that will help him get involved more. 

Mompatrol is completely right. A child's real security and happiness comes from knowing his/her parents are a united unit, backing each other up and taking care of each other, as well as the child.

I read a really great book while I was pregnant with my son called "Baby Wise". It had some great tips about helping your kid learn to sleep through the night right away, but it also talked about a husband and wife parenting as a team and maintaining their own intimate relationship so that the child feels like a welcome addition to the family instead of the center of it.

Personally, I can't imagine being in a relationship and NOT wanting to have sex. Lots of it. If your husband is treating you like video games are more important than his intimate relationship with you, that's bound to be damaging. Your intimate physical and emotional relationship with  your spouse is what separates your marriage from the other relationships in your life, such as that with your friends and family.

A pre-scheduled date night might be just the thing to help your husband realize that he's part of a unit and that he's not fulfilling his obligations. It's really not your job to make sure he's doing his part. That's HIS job. You can't be a good wife and mother if you're constantly having to think of ways to make him do his part. You're his wife, not his mother. He shouldn't be acting like reluctant teenager in the life he chose to make for himself.

Talk to someone you trust (parents, friend, sibling) about having a few hours alone with your husband once a week or ever two weeks. Go to dinner, go to a movie, go for a walk. Have some alone time in the bedroom where you don't have to change a diaper or do a feeding.

My marriage failed because my ex couldn't put me and his family first. If your husband can't figure out that YOU and your child are the most important and precious gifts in his life, maybe you guys could try couceling. And if that doesn't work, don't waste your life waiting for him to catch on. You deserve to be happy and marriage is an equal partnership. Being the woman doesn't mean you do everything and he just works at a job and then is off the hook.

Dejah Thoris

http://thorisdesigns.etsy.com

http://thorisdesigns.blogspot.com

daffidill
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:12 PM

My husband did not have the greatest dad, and I had to teach him how to treat our kids. Maybe he is scared and just doesn't understand what to do. Guys are just like kids, you have to tell them (very sweetly of coarse) over and over what you want them to do. Insist that he do little things with her. Send them to the grocery store, he can give her a bath, read her a book, go for a walk. Make sure you don't stand beside him and tell him everything he is doing wrong though. That could be another reason he's not involved. Things will get better, it is hard to have a baby around. I would stick it out, but hold on having another baby.


Sarah: wife to Jeff, mother to Jonas, Gavin, & Tatum.


 

luvmybug
by Amanda on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:17 PM

if you go into a marriage thinking that your love and companionship will make someone change, that is foolish. why not find someone that you don't have to change? i know no one is perfect, but they can come close. if you can't find compromise in your relationship, then it's time to move on. ex. my ex-husband. i got married too young, and too early. i found out he wasn't the person i thought he was. he was angry, jealous, neglectful, and sadly abusive. we couldn't find compromise in anything. i thought i could change him, but to no avail. we divorced in 2008. my daughter was 4 at the time. it was hard, but i got through it. good luck.

luvmybug
by Amanda on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:19 PM

oh, and i'm not saying divorce is the answer for everyone. try counseling and trying to find compromise first.

bpelzel
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:18 PM

Thank you everybody. all his friends have told me about his past relationship. and he has been married before and was always on the computer during that marriage. he says that she chested on him. and i told him that his last relationship failed and she cheated because he was always on the computer. she probally need some companionship..

TempestRayne
by on Jan. 4, 2010 at 8:04 AM

Wow, I don't think I would have gone there, but okay.  If it works.  My ex spent all of his time on the computer and THEN  cheated on me (with a freaking teenager. ewwwe, glad he's gone), so i guess I can feel you on the whole "no time together" thing.  Granted, I jsut found a man who is wonderful. We don't spend much time together due to his work schedule, but it's okay. we find ways of making our time.

Quoting bpelzel:

Thank you everybody. all his friends have told me about his past relationship. and he has been married before and was always on the computer during that marriage. he says that she chested on him. and i told him that his last relationship failed and she cheated because he was always on the computer. she probally need some companionship..


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