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My Marriage is falling apart and I think im ready to let it.

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:20 PM
  • 23 Replies

I am new to Cafe Mom and I am in need of some advice.

I have been married for almost 3 years now and are relationship has been very challenging. We have 3 kids... 2 step kids and one together. When we got married my husband started playing online poker. This has been a huge issue in our marriage because he wastes so much money doing this. Aside from the money he wastes it is the time that he doesn't want to be bothered by the kids our myself. About 8 months ago he quit playing poker and stayed off the site for about 5 months and our relationship was so much better. Well he started back about 2 months ago and since then I have kinda thrown up my hands. He is this huge ass when he is online and when he is offline all he wants to do is be on there. I have told him time after time he needs help but he wont get help. I have taken the computer and he will go to his friends or get extremely pissed off at me. So 4 days ago I was on the computer and I went to type something into the google search bar and accidentally clicked something and it pulled up the history on our computer. I found out that he was looking at porn on the computer. So I asked him when he was on that site and he told me he had been on earlier that day. I asked him how often he goes on there and he said EVERYDAY!  I was so upset. I feel like if he has to look at that crap everyday then its clear im not enough for him. So the fight tonight was that he was on the computer and I had just fed all the kids. I asked him to please give the baby a bath. He said in 10 min. So I waited 30 min and asked him again and he said you never leave me alone. You always ask me to do something. Why cant I just sit and play for awhile. I just gave my son a bath but I was really hurt.

I am done trying to work on this marriage because I get nothing in return excpet I get treated like crap!  Would you stay or go. My only issue with going is i am really close to my stepkids and it will break there hearts and mine if I leave but i am so unhappy i feel like crying all the time. Any advice would be great.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:28 PM

Leave! I would not stay!

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:31 PM

Thank you for your advice.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:32 PM

I wouldnt stay either. But thats me.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:34 PM

Im not going to encourage you to leave your husband YET. He obviously has a problem and is going to have to hit bottom but not at your expense. I would go about my day's as if he wasn't even there for a couple of weeks, and really stick to it. Well back up, I would first try to have a talk with him and be real clear on my feeling about everything that is bothering you in the marriage and LEAVE IT AT THAT! NO MORE NAGGING. You've said what's needed to be said. Then go about your days as if your fine and see how he responds.

Im a firm believer in fighting for marriage, but if he is looking at porn and won't respect you and stop. Then he is showing no signs in being committed to you and your family. He is the man of the house and needs to step up to his responsibilities.

Sad thing is, is this kind of stuff is becoming an epidemic and is destroying marriages daily :(

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:35 PM

I think you have to do what is best for you and your kids no matter what if that means its over then so be it. You dont have to give up a relationship with your stepkids just because it didnt work out with thier father. they are a part of your life just as your kid together is in theirs and his. Have you tried talking to a counseler just the 2 of you to try and work things out that way if you wanna try and make it work ?


by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:35 PM

 I agree, you don't need to put up with that.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:35 PM

I sometimes feel the same way.  Me and my husband have been having problems for a while now and recently I told him I wanted to separate for a while.  It is a really long story but he ended up staying in the bedroom and I am sleeping on a couch in the living room.  I guess he thought things would get better but they did not and he threatened to kill himself.  He ended up going to a mental hospital for about 4 nights and then came back home.  I told him I need time and sometimes he is ok with that and other times he is not.  I have put up with so much crap for so long and now I just don't know if I feel like putting up with it anymore.  He would talk so badly to me and hurt me with the things he said.  He did not want to try and change until I said I was going to leave him.  So now he wants to change but how is it fair that he only wants to change when I tell him I am tired of trying?  I went through the exact same thing with my ex-boyfriend.  If you don't feel happy anymore and there is no way that you can make it better then I would leave.  I know it will be hard on your step kids but you have to do what is best for you.  Good luck and hugs!

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:37 PM

Go to counceling. Tell him that if he doesn't want this marriage to be ruined then he needs to go with you. Disconnect the internet when he's at home so he can't go on the computer. Call his friends that he's seeing to use their computers and tell them that he needs help because the internet is ruining your marriage and ask them to help you keep him OFF the internet by refusing to allow him on their's. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is 50% responsible for the loss of his ex-wife (unless she's dead I wouldn't recommend this, but if she's alive go for it) and if he wants a mother to his older children and to continue seeing his younger child then he will do things your way or your leaving. Point out that you've been the only one trying to make the marriage work and without him putting in the effort your more than willing to walk out the door. And if he tries to get you to be intimate with him, refuse him by telling him that until he gets his porn addiction under control you are going to not let him have any and as far as your concerned he's cheating and until he quits and proves to you that he's trustworthy again he's going to have to deal with it.

Be strong momma, I've been there and it's not pretty, but fight for what you have. So many people just give up without doing EVERYTHING to save their marriage. And if you need legal advice, PM me and I'll help out the best I can (going to school to be an attorney, almost there thank God)

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:43 PM

Thank you all so much for your advice. We have tried counselling and he wouldn't go back because he said he didnt like her. His gambling has cost us alot of money. He has taken money out of his 401K just to gamble it away.  The porn addiction makes me sick. I have told him time after time that if he showed me a little attention it would make me alot more willing in the bedroom but its like he doesnt care. Anyway, Thanks again girls I really appreciate it.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:52 PM

Me and my dh have kinda gone through the same thing. I was at the same point you are. He wasn't doing poker or the porn, that is horrible, but he was playing comp. games a lot, instead of spending time with us and it was just not working for any of us. We also went through a period where he didn't play much and it was so much better. We were all so much happier. Then he started up again. I couldn't stand it and it was tearing us all apart. So I took a lot of time to really think about what I wanted. After I gathered all my thoughts, I sat down and wrote him a long letter. I did a letter so I could tell him all my feelings and get everything out on the table with out the interuptions that I might get if I tried to just talk to him. He was going out of town a few days after I had decided to write it, so I just put it in his suit case. I did that because I really wanted him to have time to think about what he wanted without distractions from me or his computer.

I just told him that I really missed how we used to be. I even included a pic that showed us together and it showed how happy we used to be. I told him I really want this to work and I am doing everything I can to make that happen. I told him that he needs to decide what he really wants and if he wants this to work then he has to make sacrifices and an effort to make it work too. I did not do any pointing of fingers,demanding, or blaming. I did not write the letter at a time when we were angry at each other. I laid out all my feelings and told him it was his choice, but I would not stay here or have my kids around all that was going on with us and that I would do what I had to do either way. I made sure to let him know how much I still loved him too and that I was willing to do what it takes.

Anyways, he got the letter and read it. As soon as he did he told me and said he was pretty upset about it, but not in a bad way, just that he didn't really realize how much  and how badly it was effecting me and the kids. Ever since things have gotten much better for us. It is still a work in progress, but it is so much better and we both know we are working on it and that we will get there.

I am sorry you are going through this, I know it is rough. I wanted to share a bit of my story so that it might help you all stay together as a family and be happy at the same time, because that is so much better than the other way, at least that is my opinion. I hope things will work out for you. If you decide to do something similar to what I did, don't be demanding (its me or the comp. kinda thing) just be honest about your feelings and you will have to let him decide what he wants. I know it is hard, but you have to let him do that. I hope things work out the best for you, gl to you and your family.

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