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Fear Paralyzed Single Mom

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 2:04 AM
  • 5 Replies

*****WARNING******* Long Venty Post. I would love help but if you don't want to read I understand.


I am a single mother of two really special kids, an 8 year old son, Dominic; and a 6 year old "lady", Harmonie. But I realize today that, way too late, I am scared of being a single mom.

A couple of weeks ago, my Aunt on my father's side called to tell me of a big family reunion in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Even though I have known my father's sister's and his mother all my life, he has lived in Seattle Washington for most of my life, and still currently today. We have not had a true relationship, but as of late he has started to speak to me.

I want my father to have a relationship with his grandchildren as well as myself, so I was eager to go to this reunion, even though I was made aware  and added to the group driving down at the last minute. However, as soon as it was mentioned, I was fearful of taking my children.

I was afraid of taking my children around so many people that I don't know. People that would judge my parenting style differently and openly because I'm family. People that could possibly harm my children (my daughter was molested at 4 by a cousin in my own home). People that are supposed to be family that I JUST DON'T know.

 Plus, with the way my mom talked about my aunt's and how she wouldn't let me live with them when I was young, instead of living with my great great grandma and then being passed around (Only truly lived with my mom a year tops, even though she was in and out more than Dad)

But, after talking with my mom, she thinks that my father should have footed the bill for me and my children. That I shouldn't have gone without my kids because it is their family too. I understand and share her sentiment now that I have gone, but I couldn't say that even if he would have provided for the kids, and I had the money, that I would have wanted to take them.

I was too scared that something bad would happen and I would lose one of my kids. Things didn't go far enough to physically hurt my daughter, but what if something happens where it does this time? My son has almost drowned twice, what if this time he does?

That is when I realized, I don't do much with them at all, outside of the house. I fear too much that something will happen to them. Dominic loves to dive into water, and can't swim a lick. What happens when I can't call my mom and my grandmom to help? I let them play outside, but not out of my eyesight because one of the neighbor kids might beat them up.

I know its an irrational fear, and a few of you may be mad that I did go and you have every right to be. But tell me what I did wrong if you feel I did. I am looking for help with this fear that I won't be a good mom to my kids. That if I take them out of town or to the amusement park by myself that it won't end up in total disaster.

by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 2:04 AM
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Replies (1-5):
HotMommaStout
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 2:49 AM

They are getting big enough now that they are going to want a need a little space. Bad things do happen bit they can't always be prevented either. First of all, I don't think kids should play outside by themselves unless they are in a fenced in back yard, and even then I think you should be somewhere nearby so you can see them and hear them as needed. So good job mama, pat yourself on the back! At 8 I think your daughter is just getting old enough to even consider letting her outside alone...I wouldn't yet, but it might be time to distance yourself a little bit gradually.

I think you need to get your son some swim lessons ASAP, especially since he loves water and swimming so much and has almost drowned twice. As far as an amusement park or something like the zoo goes, your kids, especially your daughter, are old enough to know to stay close to you. I can understand not wanting to take them both if they were say 2 & 4 and might run off, but at their age, they know better. If you are uncomfortable taking both of them together, maybe take each of them somewhere special individually and leave the other one with your mom for the day to have special time with her, and then switch. Maybe you could take your son too the Zoo one day(or a water park once he knows how to swim), and take your daughter to the amusement park the next? Let them choose what they want to do for that day, or make suggestions but let them decide...it will make them feel like they have a little more control, and it is important that they have some control to make their own decisions and know how to accurately exercise that control.

My main concern, and obviously you realize this as well, is that they will be timid in life and be afraid to live or do things independently from you. Of course they go to school(I assume) and that shows them they can do things on their own, but it might be good for them to have real world experience making decisions and choices independently from you.

I honestly don't think you sound overwhelmingly overprotective to where it would be a big problem, but maybe work on the little things and take baby steps towards giving them some space because that day will come when they want to do things on their own. I think it pays to be a little what some mom's call overprotective. You and I both know the kinds of people who are out there and it pays to be vigilant...but at the same time you don't want it to interfere with their social development. Educate them as much as you can about safety and whatnot, but there will come a time when it is up to them to protect themselves, because you can't be there every second of every day forever. Kids to make mistakes and stupid decisions sometimes because their brais are not fully developed, but the best thing ou can do IMO is teach them how to utilize good decision making skills.

Good luck hope this helps! These are just my opinions but I do have a background in Social Science and Child development. Oh and don't worry about what other people think about your parenting, especially family members. Honestly, if your kids are happy and healthy, clean and well fed it doesn't matter a damn what anybody else thinks!

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lillady398
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 3:07 AM

You are their mom and you should trust yourself more then you do. Kids can hurt themselves right in front of you while playing and falling down, it happens to my kids right in front of me and Ik'm also protective of my kids. Iv'e learned that you can't keep your kids from getting hurt all the time but as long as you know that you tried. I don't know if you blame yourself for what happen to your daughter  when she was 4 but if you do stop doing that to yourself. Your kids are old enough now for you to talk to and let them know what to do in uncomfortable situations. You can't punish yourself or your kids because I'm sure you love them and they love you so spend as much time with them as possible while theyr'e still young.

drknlvly6781
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 7:25 AM

Thank you both very much for your help. I think I let my mom make me feel bad because I didn't take my kids to the reunion. Should I say worse. It would have been great for them. But with the budget being as tight as it was for my Aunt and Father who footed the bill, they may not have had much fun except for the picnic.

I plan to start doing more things with my kids and taking them out. Unfortunately, splitting them up is impossible for me. Neither my mom nor my grandma will watch them unless it is a life or death situation. But I do plan to get in touch with my relatives on my father's side that are in the same city more often, so maybe they could help.

I do think that I may be beating myself up about what happened to Harmonie. Or at least letting fear overcome me. When this happened, I was not at home. My daughter was being watched by my grandad, while the would-be offender was in the home. I don't trust her around  boys anywhere that I can't see now, because of this incident. I really don't know how to get over that one, because I feel that if I were home or if I had at least a little help, it wouldn't have happened.

drknlvly6781
by on Jul. 12, 2010 at 8:45 AM

BUMP!

drknlvly6781
by on Jul. 13, 2010 at 5:33 PM

BUMP!

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