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Is this fair? Long

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:25 PM
  • 34 Replies

Trying to make this as short as possible: (if you want the long version click http://www.cafemom.com/group/266/forums/read/13479562/I_messed_up_Long)

My husband and I have been having problems for a while IE little to no affection, lieing, spending money and not consulting me. A little over a month ago, He wasted away a huge chunk of our deposit for a new riding arena ($28,000 less arena we can buy thanks to him!) and overdrew my bank account $650. The arena is our saving grace and when he through that away I was beyond consolable. 

After he showed no remorse, I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. 2 days later I went out with our best (guy) friend, got trashed which we have done tons of times before but this time ended up rounding 3rd base before we came to our senses. 5 days go by and DH and I didn't speak until he read my post and found out. I felt bad for what I did but after all the crap he's done and lied about it, I wasn't about to let him shame me so to speak.  He apologized for everything but said he doesn't want me talking to our friend and things have been going great the last month.

After dh and I made up, I talked to my friend and told him what happened and that we won't be talking much until things blow over and the other day I saw him online and said Hi, hows it going type of thing. Literally a 5 line conversation and my husband goes searching through my stuff and flips out on me.

I don't think its fair and I'm getting really frusterated! Before you flame me, let me explain a few things. I've always been honest with my husband. I'm not a liar and have never hidden anything from him even though he has lied repeatedly to me! He knows my passwords and I have nothing to hide.  Secondly, this particular guy friend is both our bestfriends.  They knew eachother first but now him and I have been good friends for the last 5 years or so. Since my husband works nights, our friend would go out to eat with me, go see twilight movies at the theatre with me, he even took me out when I was hugely fat, ugly and pregnant! It was always strictly PLATONIC. He was always there for us when we needed help building something when no one else would come help. As of lately, he is like my only friend. He's the only person I can really talk to about my husband when he pisses me off.

Like I said, my husband is mad about a 5 sentence conversation I had on IM that took place 5 days ago. I'm kind of like OK? He's like "you can either be married to me or be friends with him". This pisses me off to no end. Does he have the right to be mad? Yes he does. He is angry because I'm downplaying the situation which I'd like to add, he has done every time he's done something wrong. EXAMPLE: He spent alot of money on guns and hid it from me multiple times which lead to the "Gun Treaty" It was a one year ban on gun purchases and if he broke it he had to sell all of his guns or I'd divorce him.  He broke it and bought a glock. I found out it in our glove box 4 months later and he tried to say he bought it for me. I was livid!  Instead of him selling all of his guns, he yells at me for trying to sell "my gun" instead!

He's never had to suffer the consequences of any of his actions!! I've made out with my ex best girlfriend more (alcohol was involved of course) than I made out with our best guy friend! He put WAY more thought into lieing to me and hiding his guns and porn than I did kissing my friend. If DH and I were to divorce tomorrow, its not like I would start a relationship with my friend! I agree unsupervised drinking with this friend would be inappropriate, MAYBE even going out with out my husband, but I feel I should at least still be able to talk to my only friend.

Is this fair?



by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
silverdawn99
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:32 PM

i am sorry but why are you still with him?? he sounds like he is a control freak and doesnt seem like he will ever change.

JADIEBUG
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:34 PM

If you want to save your marriage drop the friend. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you be OK with him being friends and communicating with a girl he went to 3rd base with? You guys ruined that friendship when you cheated on your husband with the friend. He has every right to be mad at the situation just like you have every right to mad at his nonsense.

Find a good marriage counselor and drop the friend.

JADIEBUG
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:35 PM

Seriously? She cheats on her husband with the "friend" and he has no right to set boundaries with this friend? He does not sound like a control freak to me but a normal human reaction to your spouse cheating.

Quoting silverdawn99:

i am sorry but why are you still with him?? he sounds like he is a control freak and doesnt seem like he will ever change.


eatyourveges
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:35 PM


Quoting silverdawn99:

i am sorry but why are you still with him?? he sounds like he is a control freak and doesnt seem like he will ever change.


LadyEmrys
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:44 PM

my husband is also impulsive and irresponsible with money. he tries to hide things from me (but cant lie, and hard a very hard time keeping secrets, even bad ones) and often has behaviour that appears to be abusive. (he doesnt hit me or anything, promise.) and im still with him, and plan to be forever, if possible. you have to really pick your battles, hun. it doesnt have to make sense to you, because somehow, it makes sense to your man that in order to keep your marriage you need to loose your friend. if its not more important to you to be married to your husband than to have your friend.... its up to you. if you ever want to vent about your man, or talk about whatever, feel free to pm me. good luck in whatever you choose to do, i know how you feel.

Cashybum
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:44 PM

If the shoe were on the other foot, I would've left him to do whatever he pleases because of everything he did  before. This was my first and only "offense" and I would've never have been in that position if it wern't for him! I got drunk and started crying over him, drunk friend came over to give me a hug and got a little more than he bargined for. I feel like if he didn't sell his guns as promised then I shouldn't have to stop talking to my friend (and neither should he for that fact! I want them to be friends again as well!)

Cashybum
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:46 PM

Boundaries are fine.. but cutting out our best friend completely?

Quoting JADIEBUG:

Seriously? She cheats on her husband with the "friend" and he has no right to set boundaries with this friend? He does not sound like a control freak to me but a normal human reaction to your spouse cheating.

Quoting silverdawn99:

i am sorry but why are you still with him?? he sounds like he is a control freak and doesnt seem like he will ever change.



kleigh24
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:49 PM

I really dont know what to think honestly. I think both of you need counseling to get past these issues. good luck.

JADIEBUG
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:49 PM

Personal responsibility goes a long way. You want him to take responsibility for his faults you should too. He didn't put you in your cheating position YOU DID. You can't expect him to own his own bad actions when you won't yourself.

The gun issue to me does not compare to the cheating issue. Yes it is very wrong of him but the cheating to me is worse.

I highly doubt he could be friends with the guy ever again. You need to decide what is more important to you....Your marriage or the friend. You can't have both now since you ruined the trust with this friend.

Quoting Cashybum:

If the shoe were on the other foot, I would've left him to do whatever he pleases because of everything he did  before. This was my first and only "offense" and I would've never have been in that position if it wern't for him! I got drunk and started crying over him, drunk friend came over to give me a hug and got a little more than he bargined for. I feel like if he didn't sell his guns as promised then I shouldn't have to stop talking to my friend (and neither should he for that fact! I want them to be friends again as well!)


silverdawn99
by on Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:49 PM

i wouldnt cut the friend out completly. it doesnt sound like you guys are going to last much longer and you just might need that friend to help you go thru the divorce

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