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20 Something Moms 20 Something Moms

When do you tell?

Posted by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 10:52 AM
  • 12 Replies
I thought somehow My daughters father and I would make it, I really did. But, weeks ago he said he needs us to be long distance friends for awhile, which made me cry for days. For 3  years we have been in this viscious cycle, us getting somewhat close and then him pushing me away. 3 years I never looked at anyone else, I knew i had to be with derik. Maybe its not the case anymore I do not know. So, 3 years of no dating, no flirting, nothing with other men. Well, last weekend I met this guy named Reid. He is really nice we exchnged e-mails, and have had a couple e-mails back and forth since then. I did not mention I had a daughter, I didn't mention it in the e-mails either. Now he wants to get a drink or coffee, do I tell him when I go out with him or before? I should be so confident about this I love Lacey, she is literally  my world day in and day out, shes amazing. I just don't know about this dating stuff I feel so much for Derik, but he dosen't want anything from me. Why not just go out and have fun? Anybody have this problem? I feel like guys see young women with a child, i am 22, as a person with so much baggage. I don't want a father for her or financial support, or to fet married i just want to have fun, and sort out my life. I need advice!
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 10:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Cbiscuit
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:01 AM
Listen to what Derik is telling you and take it for what it is.  He is clearly letting you know what he wants, so there shouldn't be any misunderstanding.  It's a very harsh reality that I have had to face myself, but you just have to accept it and move on.  Meeting new people and dating is good, but make sure you take some time out to heal yourself and get over Derik.  It's going to be hard and probably a little while before you do get over the hurt from him.  Take things slow with whomever you meet and try to see all warning signs in the beginning and don't take things further with anyone who you know in your heart isn't right for you.  Try to look past any superficial qualities such as looks and look for someone with a good heart and a kind nature who you know would be a great role model for your daughter and future children.  You are young, so you have that on your side.  Your life isn't over, it's just begun.  You should be happy to be free and single to date and have fun with other men.  I just would be very cautious when it comes to introducing new men to my child.  Only if he is "the one" will he get to meet her.  Take care and good luck!
Sunny_Nightz
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:03 AM
every situation and family is different but for me i tell everyone up front. if my daughter isnt with me i always talk about her to everyone. like if someone asks what i do for fun i tell them "play peek a boo with my 2 yr old" yeah it runs most everyone off but i'm not like most people, i dont like going out, drinking, or things of that sort. i prefer hanging out at home or at the park. my last date my daughter came with me. she goes everywhere except work with me and if i could i would bring her to lunch. i go crazy without her. im just wierd though. if i need a break i take a shower or soak in the tub or go check the mail alone.

but as far as when to tell a guy about my daughter i do it right up front. the way i feel is if they dont want to be with a single mom then i dont really want to be with them either. its like my tester or something, most the time if they totally freak it means they are jerks, or they have kids of their own that they are trying to avoid.
thats just my opinion though, like i sed everyone is different and for you, you may want to wait a while.
SadiasMomma
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:10 AM
i have something to say and i dont want ANYONE to get offended. this is just how i feel after living threw it.... i truely believe that once you have kids, if you cant make it work with your childrens father, you seriously need to chill out. my parents divorced when i was 3 and growing up, my mom was always looking for love in the wrong places. this took a major toll on my brothers and i. i think you should tell this man you have a child but i also think that you should be VERY VERY VERY CHOOSY with the men you introduce your baby to. the last thing you want is for your baby to feel close to a man that isnt her father because he is never obligated to keep in touch, God forbid something goes wrong. i know you're young and you want to have fun, just keep that in mind in the future. good luck
LME25
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:12 AM
I was a single mom until my daughter was 4 months old. I told everyone up front. If they cant handle the fact you have a child, you don't need to be with them anyway. It may, and probably will, scare some guys off, but do you really want to be with someone who can't handle that your a mom?
Coley803
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:27 AM
i'd like to share my story with you. and i know some of the things i've done to get where i am aren't exactly "right", but i feel like i made the best decision for my kids and myself. i was married to a man who was abusive in every aspect of the word......verbal, physical, mental...... i was very unhappy and cried constantly. i was 23 at the time, with 2 kids, i stayed because hubby told me that no one was ever going to want me because i had so much baggage. thank god he was so wrong. i met a wonderful man who i told about my kids right away. he was fine with it. 3 years later, we are planning our wedding and my kids call him daddy. my son is very proud to tell people that he has 2 daddies, and he loves them both. i think you should be up front with this new man about having a child. if he cannot accept it, then he is not worth your time. and do not ever let anyone tell you that just because you are young and have kids, that you are destined to be alone. there are good men out there who will not only love you, but will love your "baggage" also. good luck!!
nvrstpdrming913
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:30 AM

Quoting SadiasMomma:

i have something to say and i dont want ANYONE to get offended. this is just how i feel after living threw it.... i truely believe that once you have kids, if you cant make it work with your childrens father, you seriously need to chill out. my parents divorced when i was 3 and growing up, my mom was always looking for love in the wrong places. this took a major toll on my brothers and i. i think you should tell this man you have a child but i also think that you should be VERY VERY VERY CHOOSY with the men you introduce your baby to. the last thing you want is for your baby to feel close to a man that isnt her father because he is never obligated to keep in touch, God forbid something goes wrong. i know you're young and you want to have fun, just keep that in mind in the future. good luck
I would never bring men to meet my daughter. I don't think that is fair to my daughter or Derik. Also, I didn't even want to date until I am done with school. But, this kinda just happened. I still don't know if I will actually go out, thats how hesitant I am about doing this!
lovespromise
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:32 AM
I would be straight up with Reid (and any other guy to come). That way if they have a problem with it you don't invest the time or heart into it just to have your heart broken.
Since you're dating again though I'll share some advice I got before my husband and I finally got together. When you're dating, yes let the guys know you have a kid, but don't let them meet your daughter. At least not until you are sure it will stand somewhat of a chance. You don't want her to see men constantly in and out of her life... getting attached to them just to lose them... So be careful with who you bring home to meet your daughter.
HTH
Scribble
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:35 AM

Quoting LME25:

I was a single mom until my daughter was 4 months old. I told everyone up front. If they cant handle the fact you have a child, you don't need to be with them anyway. It may, and probably will, scare some guys off, but do you really want to be with someone who can't handle that your a mom?

I completely agree with LME25. I've been a single mom since my daughter was 6 weeks old. The first guy who asked me out for coffee knew I had a daughter and said he was fine with it...until he saw her when he came to pick me up! He got really pale and all but ran off in the opposite direction! I was upset at the time, but now I've been in a relationship with Adam since October and he's crazy about my daughter. The good ones are hard to find, but they DO exist, and Reid could be one, just be completely honest and up front with him.
trinsmommy
by on Apr. 21, 2007 at 11:42 AM

me and my daughters father were split when she was a year.  She is 3 now...When she was just gettin ready to turn 2 i met my bf.  I told him up front that I had a daughter (well let me explain...i met him for a day when i was in highschool but visiting a college and we exchanged email and SN's. We talked every day and soon became best friends, so he knew I had a baby, but wasnt pleased that I had her with my bf.)  I had no idea what was going to come of our friendship...He is the most accepting person to my situation and I was never looking for a dad for her or for help with money.  But that is uncontrollable right now...he acts like her father (which is ok, she never sees her dad anyhow) and he helps me so much...I guess when things are meant to be they are meant to be, i dont think to much about it. 


I think that if you want a relationship with this guy, you need to tell him up front.  Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. 

SadiasMomma
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2007 at 12:12 PM

Quoting nvrstpdrming913:


Quoting SadiasMomma:

i have something to say and i dont want ANYONE to get offended. this is just how i feel after living threw it.... i truely believe that once you have kids, if you cant make it work with your childrens father, you seriously need to chill out. my parents divorced when i was 3 and growing up, my mom was always looking for love in the wrong places. this took a major toll on my brothers and i. i think you should tell this man you have a child but i also think that you should be VERY VERY VERY CHOOSY with the men you introduce your baby to. the last thing you want is for your baby to feel close to a man that isnt her father because he is never obligated to keep in touch, God forbid something goes wrong. i know you're young and you want to have fun, just keep that in mind in the future. good luck
I would never bring men to meet my daughter. I don't think that is fair to my daughter or Derik. Also, I didn't even want to date until I am done with school. But, this kinda just happened. I still don't know if I will actually go out, thats how hesitant I am about doing this!
with that said: DO YOUR THING! enjoy life. let him take you out. have a few drinks. but get home early lol... theres absolutly NO HARM in having a good time if ur a responsible parent (as you are)...
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