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Seriously depressed

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:05 PM
  • 5 Replies
I know I should get over this & move on... But I'm having a really difficult time in doing so. My mother died when I was 18, 5 years ago. I know its been a long time since, but its effected me in a very odd way. I was at odds with my family at the time, my parents kicked me out after having an argument. We hadn't talked in 3 months when she died. My family didn't want me in hospital, at the funeral, or anything. I basically stood on the sidelines watching my dad fall apart, & my sister shut down. I didn't feel like part of the family so I didn't grieve with them.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to mourn her death but it just didn't come. This happened in April. Come mothers day & the day that should've been her bday in may is when it dawned on me... she wasn't coming back. My dad & i arent on the worst of terms but he got remarried & moved halfway across the country so were not close. My sisters only an hour away but she refuses to talk or hear about our mom. My dh & I were bf/gf when it happened so sometimes I try to tlk to him but he shuts down & doesnt say anything. He's not ignoring me, but he didn't kno her, & he's never gone through anything like this so he just doesn't know what to say.

Even though it was 5 yrs ago I just get more and more depressed thinking about all the little things I never knew about her & ill never know. It's bad enough to deal with the loss knowing we hadn't talked in months & she was so mad at me when she died. I've forgotten what her hug felt like, how she made certain foods, how she laughed... I'll never get the chance to hug her again & tell her how sorry I was for being such a dumb, ungrateful, rebellious teenager. There are so many things I would ask her now, nothing interesting, but just little things so I could know who she was, passed being my mom. What was her favorite game? What did she want to be when she was little? What was it like to be raised poor & unfortunate in a 3rd world country? What was it like to leave school during middle school to help support her family? There are a million stories I should've asked about... Why didn't I see that as important at the time?

So lately all I can think about is dying & making sure my son will always know how much I love him & adore him. To make sure he knows who I am in my heart, & how much him & his dad mean to me. I have a little box, with a few things from the hospital when he was born with a letter i wrote to him after I delivered him. He just turned 1 & i added his bday cards & wrote him another letter. I told my dh to give ds this box when he turns 18 after I die. Is this wierd? Should I just throw this stuff away? I started it bc I hate thinking that one day I will be gone & he's going to forget what my hug feels like. How I laugh. Or other little things that pass with people. I just don't want him to go through what I am. Maybe its dumb, it don't know.
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:05 PM
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Replies (1-5):
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:13 PM
ive never been in that situation but i think what you are doing for your son is a wonderfull thing!
by Kali on Aug. 17, 2011 at 5:32 PM
Not dumb at all! Keep it. You can even make a video for him to put in there.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my mon last year and its been hard.
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:11 PM
Thanks mamas, dh was telling me I'm obsessed with death & what I was keeping for ds was dumb. I tried to explain its bc of having lost my mom that I just want to be able to leave something for him when I do eventually pass. When I said that he layed off but shook his head, I guess he doesn't understand.
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 2:22 AM
No I think that it is really neat you have started that for him
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by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 2:37 AM

I think it's a great idea4your son,I also think your Mother,4gives you (knowing a Mothers love,& being a Mother) ..I think there is alot we are willing2 forgive w/our children..We love them unconditionally!!.im sorry.I am so sorry for your loss,I can't even imagine losing my Mom...I have thought about what it would be like cus she's not in perfect health..It would be soooo hard,I don't think I am strong enough.Something positve that is coming from your loss,is that you want2 be very close w/your son,&4him 2 really know you..And2me that is truly amazingly beautiful!! (: *Hugs*

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