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So I am new here but maybe you can help...

Posted by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 5:34 PM
  • 5 Replies

I joined cafemom for a few reasons and I would love to jump start meeting people and making connections. I am 24 and I have a son (Caleb) who will be 3 on 12/22. He is my world, but he is struggling with my -finally- leaving his alcoholic father and falling in love with and becoming engaged to my new fiance, who knows nada about kids. Caleb, right now, is very angry and has taken to hitting, kicking and punching when he gets upset. While my relationship with his father was emotionally abusive, there were never any physical confrontations, so I'm not really sure where he's getting it from. On top of it Caleb is considered "gifted" and is extremely athletic and strong. I'm not so worried about me or Patrick getting hurt, but I am concerned about the kids he goes to preschool with (though if he does lash out at school 99% of the time directed at an adult). I have tried time-outs (escalates the situations), walking away (gets results 50% of the time, but he quickly lashes out again when the issue is revisited), taking away toys and what little TV he does watch (again, not any kind of consistant results). He responds really well to positive reenforcement but I feel that he has to learn what kind of behavior is okay and what isn't and so far just rewarding him and showering him with praise when things are going smoothly isn't enough. Any ideas? He is a wonderful little boy most of the time and I would love to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Thank,

Katie

 

by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 5:34 PM
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Replies (1-5):
.Pagan.
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 5:38 PM

time out. you say it escalates the situation..its because you have to break him into it. if he knows the more he throws a fit the more likely you are to just back off then he will do it. i have seen it on supper nanny a thousand times..sometimes they spend the entire day battling out mom against kid and the time out zone. luckily my son has done time outs easily..when they are rarely used but you need to instill that you tell him to sit his happy but in that corner and he will because you say so. that alone will help a TON once he figures out he cant win against you.

Momoftwins911
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 5:40 PM
He could be acting out from what he seen his dad do. While his dad may not have hit you that could be the only way your son knows how to lash out. My twins never seen their Bio dad hit me but when we split that's how they acted out. They are 3 now and have gotten better.
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veggiebender
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 5:48 PM
If he's only 3 yrs old it just might be his way of dealing with what's going on. I would take him on Mommy dates, and let him warm up to the new family situation. I have heard that when a child goes through extreme life changes- it is best to lay on the love, and be a little more lack on the discipline. Still- hitting is wrong, and he should be reminded of that.
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CabinMommyNH
by on Dec. 3, 2011 at 5:58 PM

I have always used the "Super Nanny" approch with Caleb and it has always worked. Until now. I always counted to three and asked him to stop what he was doing before a TO, explained why he was going to TO, asked for an appology and told him I loved him when the time was up. It was fantastic. Then one day after getting to three and placing him in TO he punched me square in the eye, full force. It didn't do too much damage but it could have if I had not been wearing my glasses. Now if I even start to count down he can be prevoked into whacking me in the legs or chest. And he's so unpredictable about it I don't know if I should go in bracing for it or not.

He and I have always spent a lot of time together, cuddling watching a movie, going out to lunch or dinner, taking him on errands, but because I don't know what is going to cause a meltdown I am considering cutting back on our out of the house trips together.

I have been really aware to be constantly telling him that Mommy, Patrick and Daddy love him lots and lots and to give him extra hugs and kisses.

It's hard because he is hurting and I am at a loss of what to do. UGH!

NearSeattleMom
by on Dec. 4, 2011 at 2:02 AM

Welcome.

Read the book "Parenting with Love and Logic".  It really helped me understand how to give kids choices and consequences.

Also, your son is adjusting to a big change in his life . . . try to be patient with him.  He doesn't have much power in his life and is expressing his emotions, it seems like.

Good luck!

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