Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

step family issues (kind of lon, I'm sorry)

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:38 PM
  • 4 Replies

So let me preface this with saying, I'm not perfect, but I have always tried to be a kind, thoughtful person. Yet I have always had issues with my step dads family. I have 2 step brothers, and a set of grandparents from my step father. Everyone on that side of the family (even distant cousins whom I rarely ever see) except for my grandma, ahev treated me like a second class person. Like I am white trash, a loser, and a crappy mom (none of which are true). When I got divorced, oh holy God, it was a shit show the way they talked to me and about me behind my back. 

Last night we were at the grandparents house for dessert for my moms birthday. I was there with my husband and our 3 kids. Since it was just dessert, my son who will be 5 in June was all sugared up. he started running up and down the hall way and Grandpa started chewing him out and told him to go out side.  I told him no, he can't go out side (by this time its almost 6, we live in Western WA, where it is dark, cold, and POURING rain. Not to mention its not a fenced in yard, and we are there so rarely that he isnt sure where to stay in the yard.) I said I wasn't going to go outside with him in the cold and wet. So grandpa cvhews me out that he had told my son he would go out side with him (which is bullshit. we were all sitting around the dinning room table and NO ONE heard him say this.). I appologized, and said I hadn't heard him, and asked him not to yell at me. So even though I appologized, he continued to yell at me. I said, I asked you not to yell at me. Then he and my step dad proceeded to tell me how I'm a crappy moma  and i just need to beat the hell outta him until he stays where he's told. Now Grandpa and step dad are both ass holes who are mentally and verbally abusive. So I said screw this shit. Honey lets go. I'm done. I said good bye to my grandma (she's a saint and deosnt have a mean bone in her body) got the kids packed up and went to leave. As my husband walks out of the house grandpa pulls him aside and tells him he "needs to have a talk with your wife. This isn't the irst time she's pulled this shit. And I didn't yell at her". I'm sorry. But all i did was tell him to quit yelling at me, and I hadn't heard him. I was not rude or disrespectful.


SO, heres my big issue. Grandma has parkinsons disease really bad. She can't leave the house often as she has a hard time getting around, and gets tired out easy. I told my husband I was done with being treated like shit by everyone in that family. i have been mentally abused, talked down to, and degraded by them for as long as I can remember. I still want to see Grandma very much. but I can't handle subjecting myself or my kids to the way that we are treated. So IDK what to do. I DO NOT want to go there, but I want my kids to know their Grandma, and how amazing she is. We don't know how much longer we have with her because the parkinsons is SO bad, and advancing so fast. 


I guess I just needed to vent. but any insights in to what you thing, if you have been in a similar situation, or are a therapist that can solve my issues from this family (LOL) I'd be ok with hearing from you. Sorry it was so long. Thanks for reading.


~*~Arissa~*~

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:38 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-4):
.Pagan.
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:44 PM

i guess in this case sadly you have to decide what you are willing to loose and take. you can either see your grandmother but also have you and your children subjected to their abuse or you can not see her and not be subjected to it. i do not know your grandmotheror the degree of dysfunction personally in your family to be able to tell you which path to take. you must be the one to weigh it out, is your kids knowing her going to be worth what they will see and hear while they are there or not.

ruby_jewel_04
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:54 PM

Thats the problem I am trying to figure out. IDK how much they will absorb and remember. But I know that it is giving me panic attacks just thinking about having to go over there. I feel on one hand that its selfish of me to deny my kids a relationship with grandma. But on the other hand, I know its not healthy to have them talked to in such an abusive and harsh manner. UGH. Why do people have to be such assholes? 

Quoting .Pagan.:

i guess in this case sadly you have to decide what you are willing to loose and take. you can either see your grandmother but also have you and your children subjected to their abuse or you can not see her and not be subjected to it. i do not know your grandmotheror the degree of dysfunction personally in your family to be able to tell you which path to take. you must be the one to weigh it out, is your kids knowing her going to be worth what they will see and hear while they are there or not.


.Pagan.
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:00 PM

i dunno :/ i have family issues like that too. have they ever had a relationship with her at all? how old are they? it may just be easier on them if they learn abt her through stories you tell rather than risk the damage that could happen to them from the others around. i know for me personallyemotional blows have stayed with me my entire life from as far back as 4 years old. perhaps tell them calmly that you want your children to have a relationship with them but that you cant deal with the confrontation you feel every time you are around. so from now on if they have issues with you they need to wait until either the children aren't around or they can just forfeit their ability to see them again. at least then you can say you gave them a warning andthey chose the rest. maybe you could call over to talk to your grandmother and explain the problem and ask if maybe she could arrange for husband to be gone for a little while once a week for you guys to come over.

Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Thats the problem I am trying to figure out. IDK how much they will absorb and remember. But I know that it is giving me panic attacks just thinking about having to go over there. I feel on one hand that its selfish of me to deny my kids a relationship with grandma. But on the other hand, I know its not healthy to have them talked to in such an abusive and harsh manner. UGH. Why do people have to be such assholes? 

Quoting .Pagan.:

i guess in this case sadly you have to decide what you are willing to loose and take. you can either see your grandmother but also have you and your children subjected to their abuse or you can not see her and not be subjected to it. i do not know your grandmotheror the degree of dysfunction personally in your family to be able to tell you which path to take. you must be the one to weigh it out, is your kids knowing her going to be worth what they will see and hear while they are there or not.

 


ruby_jewel_04
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 10:53 PM

Well I am very sensitive. So things that happened to me as a kid still bother me too. i fully understand what you mean. My kids are 8, 4 & 1/2, and almost 2. My DD (the oldest) is just as sensitive as I am. So Its her that I worry about mostly. they have a good relationship with Grandma, and I hate to cut it off. I'm talking to my mom to see if we can get Grandma out of the house and out to dinner or something at least once a month. Grandpa is just an overly controling jerk. So IDK if its gonna work or not. *shrug* I guess we'll see. I hope so for Grandmas sanity. 

Quoting .Pagan.:

i dunno :/ i have family issues like that too. have they ever had a relationship with her at all? how old are they? it may just be easier on them if they learn abt her through stories you tell rather than risk the damage that could happen to them from the others around. i know for me personallyemotional blows have stayed with me my entire life from as far back as 4 years old. perhaps tell them calmly that you want your children to have a relationship with them but that you cant deal with the confrontation you feel every time you are around. so from now on if they have issues with you they need to wait until either the children aren't around or they can just forfeit their ability to see them again. at least then you can say you gave them a warning andthey chose the rest. maybe you could call over to talk to your grandmother and explain the problem and ask if maybe she could arrange for husband to be gone for a little while once a week for you guys to come over.

Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Thats the problem I am trying to figure out. IDK how much they will absorb and remember. But I know that it is giving me panic attacks just thinking about having to go over there. I feel on one hand that its selfish of me to deny my kids a relationship with grandma. But on the other hand, I know its not healthy to have them talked to in such an abusive and harsh manner. UGH. Why do people have to be such assholes? 

Quoting .Pagan.:

i guess in this case sadly you have to decide what you are willing to loose and take. you can either see your grandmother but also have you and your children subjected to their abuse or you can not see her and not be subjected to it. i do not know your grandmotheror the degree of dysfunction personally in your family to be able to tell you which path to take. you must be the one to weigh it out, is your kids knowing her going to be worth what they will see and hear while they are there or not.




Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)