-Consumed-

[serenaanya]

Me and fiance is going through a lot lately. Part of which is the distance between us. He is currently deployed. Another thing would be my insecurities and jealousy. I have to admit that I am at fault too. I said i forgive him and forget about the previous things that happened to us but in reality, it's all in the back of my head, haunting me. He lied to me once and I took him back, but I think I haven't really move on from what happened. I live in fears from that moment and its eating me up.

I don't know you people, but clearly I need help. I am posting this to ask for input from people and maybe it would help me see things I don't.

Well, here's the scenario: Yesterday, we were having such a great day. We were on skype the entire time, watching movies together, eating and talking. Then i said, I wanna freshen up a little bit since ive been in bed the whole day and went to shower. When i came back i found out he spoke to his EX gf. At first he wont admit it but i saw skype records and I know records won't lie. So I started questioning and we started arguing and one leads to another and he hung up on me and went offline. Then he came back after a while. Then we started talking. Here how its goes, bare with me its quite long. But i need someone else input:

ME:i dont want drama, this day is perfect
ME: until i found out about this
ME: why is itso difficult for you to tell me the truth
HIM: i told you the truth yet you still dont believe me
ME: why you cant say it
ME: if your not doinga nything wrong why are you hiding it
HIM: im not hiding fucking nothing
HIM: fuck
ME: okay, you told em yesterdaay you speak to mike and rozaira
ME: i dont have problems with that
HIM: Luis Dejesus: yes
ME: why u didnt told me u spoke to diana
HIM:  because i just did a bit before
ME: you called her yesterday and today while i was in the bathroom
HIM: you askedme
ME: : but u called her yesterday too
HIM:  not yesterday
ME: but it shows on skype
HIM:  no
HIM: it was miguel
ME: and i called the number a girl answer
ME: i thought it was ur mom
HIM: no
ME: you swear when you blocked me last night you wrent talking to diana?
HIM: no i was not
ME: coz skype shows that number and it says you spoke for 25 minutes
HIM: but i couldnt hear what we were talking about cus of the call beeping
HIM: yes half hour mike
ME: what do you wnat with diana this time
ME: i thought you werent even talking?
HIM: nothing i remember her number when i called mike those are the only mumbers i know of memory
HIM: and she answered
HIM:: so i talked to her
ME: idk what else to say or do
HIM: everything was just fine till you started questioning
HIM: i didnt even did anything wrong
ME: yeah, im always at fault anyway
HIM: im talking about now serena
ME: i should have not gone in the bathroom
ME: i should have not gone to shower
ME: and just gave in
ME: and this would never happen
HIM: what
ME: i hate myself you know that
ME: i just fucking hate myself
ME: coz no matter how i try
ME: im just gonna end up messing everything
HIM: i feel the same way
HIM: everything i do as well affect us
HIM: i try
ME: i try to understand everything you do, i contradict my own belief, how i feel and yet i still failed.
HIM: and it just feels like sometimes is worthless
HIM: there must be something specifically that we might be doing wrong
HIM: cus if not i dont know what else could it be
ME: i asked for a chance, to give it a shot and i was happy you oblige. but i dont know if i was enough for you
ME: coz no matter what i do, or try to convince myself, i seemed lacking
HIM: so we both in diferent ays feel the same pain
ME: today i told myself, i will forgive and forget everything you did
ME: but why its haunting me
ME: i want peace, i just wanna be happy
ME: is that too much to ask
HIM: i want your happines
HIM: to fluorish not diminish
ME: and you are my happiness, why can it be like that
ME: am i not good enough for you?
HIMs: stop asking such ridculous question serena ofcourse you are
[9:29:35 PM] *** Call from  ***
[ME: then what else do i need to do to make you happy
HIM: I am your husband
HIM: I wanted this day to be nice
HIM: i did not wanted you to cry
HIM: atleast not today
HIM: and just because of a call
ME: its not the call.
ME: its how you cant be honest with me
ME: and just be like how you are to your friends
ME: i try to do everything, everything to make me good enough. to make you happy
ME: i dont know what else i have to do or give in
ME: why cant there be no other women, just your friends. just no intentions.
HIM: there are no intentions
ME: thats the reason why they are called EX. because they are your past. theres a good reason why they are not your present
ME: you have tons of friends. is it really necessary for them to be in your life
HIM: you still talk every fucking time trying to convince me
HIM: you dont stop
ME: im not convincing you im just making a point
HIM: but you want it to be my own point as well
ME: im okay with all, i let go of the bad things today until that call.
ME: all i wanted is respect. think about how will i feel atleast before you do those.
ME: all i want you to understand is how im gonna have that chance to rpove myself, if all thsi time you just want your past to be in it
HIM: ok stop
HIM: serena just stop
ME: okay,my bad
HIM: i will ask you one thing then
HIM: but you will do it not me
ME: what
HIM: erase my fb
HIM: tonight
HIM: understood?
HIM: i dont want it no more
ME: will it stop there?? fb is not the issue.
ME: with or without fb you call everyone out.
HIM: just please do that
HIM: ill do my part then
ME: if thats what you want.
HIM: and if i change with you anyhow
HIM: its up to you then
ME: what? i dont understand that
HIM: just froget it
HIM: ill do my best
ME: tell me, ur always like that. if i asked, its because i dont understand
ME: and i asked because i wanted to understand
HIM: i said that if ichange with you its on you
ME: if you change how you are to me is that what u mean?
HIM: if i change my whole me
HIM: with everyone
ME: im not asking you to change you. and dont punish me with that
ME: all im asking is trust, respect and honesty.
HIM: i said if i do not that im intending to
HIM: im just letting you know
ME: i just wanna be us. no other woman dipping in to the relationship
ME: and just how we love each other.
HIM: ok
HIM: i told you im gonna do my part
HIM: just do that
HM: cancel my fb
ME: people dont take me seriously, do you know how much it hurt
HIM: what people
HIM: damn it
HIM: my family does
HIM: right?
HIM: right?
ME: so what you wanna do, just 1 fb for us. add your buddies to mine
ME: like u planned before
HIM: no no one is gonna be added to yours
HIM: one profile
HIM: yours only
HIM: there is no need for me to a face book if i cant contact no one
ME: how bout ur friends. rozaira and the rest? dont punish them coz of me
HIM: and youve got my family so im good with that
ME: i didnt say dont contact no one.
HIM: juststop
ME: im okay with you talking but when it goes out of line that where problem start
HIM: i made my decision
HIM: it wont go out of line
HIM: ill do my best to get rid of that fear of yours together
HIM: we both have to deal with it
HIM: so ill isolate whatever wood in to this fire
HIM: thats why im doing it
HIM: so just stop
HIM: reminding me
HIM: please
HIM: ok
HIM: i told you i love you
HIM: no one elsemore than you
HIM: i will not
HIM: change you
HIM: but dont keep pushing me
HIM: so if i feel slaved then ill get rid of these chains
ME: im sorry.but you ever thought what people would think of me because of this. I know you;re doing this for us. but you know how people will see me again. i asked nothing but to be respected by the people you love as much i do to them.
ME: im not trying to slave you
ME: i bend my self backwards to adjust to everyting too.
HIM: i didnt say your slaving me i said i feel that way
HIM: i will fight it
HIM: i dont care of others just my family and yours
HIM: i did cared of my friends but bviously is not taking me nowhere so i gotta do what i gotta do
HIM: like you said they were my family now it is you
ME: i dont understand why we cant be just like rodriguez and her husband. they have their jealosuy and all too but they manage. they have friends, but they dont go over board.
HIM: chose it that way when i first asked you taht great day to marry me
HIM: no she barely doesnt her husband controls her
HIM: but yet is her choice
HIM: she doesnt say it but i know it
HIM: ive seen it
HIM: myself
HIM: he controls her
HIM: everymove
HIM: anyway
HIM: it doesnt matter
ME: i want you to be happy ___. God knows that. I try to fight what ever fear and jealousy i have inside me, coz i know you value people in your life. Im not asking you to remove them in your life.
ME: everyday is a battle, and im working on it
HIM: stop
HIM: i know now is my turn ok?
ME: ok
HIM: let me fight
HIM: you rest let it go
HIM: until you recover
HIM: ok?
HIM: then ill start talking to people again
HIM: ok?
ME: if you say so. i just wanna say that either way im losing this battle, coz if your not happy and im sure hell i wont be. but its your decision.
HIM: ok good lets just try it out ok?
ME: ok
HIM: im not saying it will go perfect but ho knows untillwe try
ME: i dont wanna be controlling. i dont wanna be jealous. i hate all these as much as you do.
ME: ill follow your lead
ME: whatever you wanna do now
HIM: then ill ask for your opinions
HIM: a team one fight at a time
ME: ok
HIM: ok
ME: im sorry for everything
HIM: serena
ME: yes?
HIM im sorry too.

** After that he dissappeared for about an hour and the next thing i knw is that he threw his laptop and cellphone. Then he called me and this what happened next:


HIM:  tried to stand up since i felt tired i guess i got ambushed
HIM: baby your chest listen is not yourself
HIM: its them trying to mess with us dont let them hurt my loves heart and chest baby
ME: ok
ME: im so sorry
ME: i cannot forgive myself
HIM: yes you can i forgive you god did and loves us both
HIM: serena
ME: yes?
HIM: ofcourse bb i need you
ME: because i love you
ME: and i dont want you out of my life.
HIM: I love you too
ME: i dont have anyone else. besides you and Miel and now, i wont be seeing you
ME: i dont know how will i be able to get through that
HIM: im about to get paid so we gotta wait a bit like 3 days
ME: is there a charger there in the px?
HIM: idk but i could check the boardwalk
ME: maybe you can have it charge with someone else so we can talk even for an hour
ME: i dont know how to do this ___
ME: I blame myself thats why we get to this. but this time off will let you rest, i just hope you wont change yoru heart about me.
HIM: i wont baby please forgive ok i love you so much
HIM: no
HIM: bb sleep withme
HIM: com'n
HIM: feel me byy yourside cuddling with you ok
HIM: ok
ME: turn your laptop off, and sleep
HIM: r u gonna sleep?
ME: ya. i will try to get some sleep. i dont want to think.
HIM: ok please kisses
ME: if i can sleep for the next three days straight i will.
ME: save your battery so i can see you tomorrow even for a bit
HIM: ok

** I'm just consumed right now and I don't know who to talk too. I asked for advise and not judgement. I'm really struggling, as hard as to admit it. I am.  I lost myself. I lost myself in sorrow, I lost myself in pain, I lost myself in gravity. 

Thanks. 

[LiesLiesLies]

Wow.

Okay, has he cheated in the past? Or just told little lies.

It really does seem like he loves you. You clearly have all his passwords and he is willing to give up all his friends for you.

[serenaanya]

For 2 months he's been talking to his ex gf who is still inlove with him and he kept it from me. I just found out last new year and we came to a point that he needed to choose between us and he said he can't so I let go. But he wants me back. And we give it another try. I told him to tell me everything, then I found out about this again.