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what do you do???? honestly...

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:04 PM
  • 11 Replies

i have an issue that im not happy to admit, that im not proud of and that im ashamed to even talk about.......but its been happening a lot lately. Matter of a fact i just did it.

I feel like complete shit for even talking about it. I feel like an idiot and a loser and a POS.

When i get really upset, overwhelmed or angry....i hit myself. No tjust a smack but i punch the shit out of myself. my legs are covered in bruises. i have no idea what to do. what health insurance??? i dont have any. I had an option to get help but i wasnt able to do it. DH wouldnt man the fuck up and i had to deal with everything and well......i didnt get a chance to even USE the help. even then if i got the help i highly doubt i would tell them about any of this because eff....i cant be put in a hospital again, not with kids. and the damn issue of me wanting to cut again is becomming strong again. i just .....im tired. im so damn tired. i just...i dont know what to do anymore i really, honestly dont.

my god im such a screw up i honestly dont know why i was put on this earth other then for life to take one massive nasty shit on me after another. i really dont.

by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mjellis718
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:07 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't know if you're religious or not but you could meet with someone at a church. Wouldn't cost you anything and you could talk through some stuff. Sometimes it just helps to say it out loud! Paying for a therapist would be a huge expense though so just find someone who is willing to listen and be unbiased. Good luck to you. You're so strong to just admit it!! That's the hardest part.
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ilovecandy
by Ruby Member on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:10 PM

i dont go to church

i feel like such an idiot. ive been through this crap years and years ago. and over the past few months ive been trying my best to do this and do that but everything-is-just-biulding-up and I have to deal with it. because NO ONE else knows how to. NO ONE else can do it. so it gets stacked on my plate among everything else i have to do and lets feed it to my depression and insicurities and constant bitching and crap from everyone i do know and it just adds up. The only release im getting is through self injury it seems and this cant be an option

Quoting mjellis718:

I don't know if you're religious or not but you could meet with someone at a church. Wouldn't cost you anything and you could talk through some stuff. Sometimes it just helps to say it out loud! Paying for a therapist would be a huge expense though so just find someone who is willing to listen and be unbiased. Good luck to you. You're so strong to just admit it!! That's the hardest part.


AlliJadesmama
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:13 PM
Just think of your kids. Stop because of them. Do you want them to see you do this or do it when they get older? I'm sorry that your having a hard time with your life. I have had some pretty shitty Moments in my life but I take one look at my daughter and I just smile. She is my world and because of her I fight harder every day.
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GirlWSlingshot
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 Is it the pain that's helping or is it the act of hitting yourself? If it's the pain (which seems like the obvious answer because of your cutting history) then I don't think anything but a change in circumstances is going to help. You are under extreme pressure and have dealt with more hardship and stress in the last month than most people do in a decade. You've had to be the strong one and you can only carry the burden for so long. Does DH know you're on the verge of cutting again?

 If it's the hitting that is helping you then maybe you need to start jogging or get your hands on a punching bag. You need an outlet for your frustration (and if I were you I'd have a heck of a lot of frustration pent up).

 You're important and you're the most important person in your children's lives. You're not a failure and you're not a screw up. No matter what mistakes you made in the past, the person you are today is a caring, loving mother and partner who would walk through fire for her family.

abbymommy915
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:19 PM

I used to cut myself but DH threatened that he would call the psych ward on me lol... it's been almost a year since I have and now I just smoke off my stress

GirlWSlingshot
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:19 PM

 Side note - I think it's a heck of a lot better to punch the heck out of your legs than to cut or lose it. If it's keeping you sane at this particular moment then maybe it's not the end of the world. But something has to give and it can't be you. DH needs to figure something out soon so that some of this pressure and stress is off you.

MamaLioness2012
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:23 PM
I used to cut and still have the urge to a lot...if you'd like to pm me to talk please feel free...I can tell you how I deal and help find a way for you to deal with it. I'll be an open book but not where everyone can see. You CAN overcome this and you're not alone. I fight with it every damn day. I know exactly how you feel. Please message me if you'd like my help.
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lilyanrose10
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:28 PM
I have struggled with depression my hole life, and still am. I also use to self harm. Depression is a very scary thing and I know how you feel. Very alone, like no one cares or understands, you feel like people think your crazy. But people do care. There is a depression group on hear I don't know the name but would join what could it hurt. Also in my town there is low income mental health clinic. They have people you can talk to and that can prescribe an antidepressant or whatever you need. I would search the internet and see if u can't find something similar. Momma I know what your going there but you can't give up. There is help out there u just have to find it. Also you can send me a message if u need. I'm so sorry your going through this I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But it will get better I promise. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
ilovecandy
by Ruby Member on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:29 PM

its the pain. the feel of that pain soothes me. Its sick but its true. DH has a second interview coming up which thats good and all, but hes been putting his stresses and his crap in my lap for a long while now. Ive talked to him about it and then he stops for a bit.....but then its the same damn song and dance all over again. And since november when he lost his job, its been a hell of a lot more being dumped in my lap then normal and IM the only one dealing with it. He simply just doesnt care. And my personaly favorite of 'oh just dont let it bother you, just let it roll off your back' shit talk is having me at wits end. the ONLY reason he can think that way is because i have had to deal with said problem. if i left it alone we would be heading up shit creek but somehow i manage to pull everything together to save the day. And now its been a fricken compitetion with him on some things. I sleep with DS so DH sleeps in the extra room. So there should be no reason hes not sleeping at night, I on the other hand get woken up many times through out the night for feedings or DS is teething right now so he wakes randomly because hes in pain. I average about..3-4and a half hours of sleep a night. So im tired. I say something about me being tired and didnt sleep last night i get his i didnt sleep either and blah blah blah i need a npa and blah blah blah. You know how badly i want to grab the shovel from the garage and smack the ever-livin shit outta him?? and holy shit my body issues are back. For awhile i was fine with how i looked. But now i cannot STAND to look in the mirror, i actually have the urge to puke when i look in the mirror.

DH knows that im on the verge of cutting. ive told him, hell tonight i said i need everyone to stop because im getting to stressed and i feel like im going to do something to myself....his response?? knock it the fuck off and just quit with that shit. im sick of hearing it. So now......im back to just not telling him a damn thing. i close off once again. and then he bitches and moans about me closing myself off, i seriously feel like i cant win.

Quoting GirlWSlingshot:

 Is it the pain that's helping or is it the act of hitting yourself? If it's the pain (which seems like the obvious answer because of your cutting history) then I don't think anything but a change in circumstances is going to help. You are under extreme pressure and have dealt with more hardship and stress in the last month than most people do in a decade. You've had to be the strong one and you can only carry the burden for so long. Does DH know you're on the verge of cutting again?

 If it's the hitting that is helping you then maybe you need to start jogging or get your hands on a punching bag. You need an outlet for your frustration (and if I were you I'd have a heck of a lot of frustration pent up).

 You're important and you're the most important person in your children's lives. You're not a failure and you're not a screw up. No matter what mistakes you made in the past, the person you are today is a caring, loving mother and partner who would walk through fire for her family.


GirlWSlingshot
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 11:45 PM

 The urge to self harm is not sick in and of itself. It's a coping mechanism. It's not a great thing, but everyone deals in different ways.

 Your feelings are 100% natural and I understand why you're in that place. Anyone would feel like they were drowning if they were in your shoes. I wish I wasn't so far away so I could come tap dance for the littles so you could take a nap. You need sleep if you're going to handle all you have on your plate.

 Telling you to let it roll off your back is like telling a drowning man to just "take a breath". This isn't a case of just letting things roll off your back. You can only take so much. Are you working out at all? Maybe just a jog at night?

Quoting ilovecandy:

its the pain. the feel of that pain soothes me. Its sick but its true. DH has a second interview coming up which thats good and all, but hes been putting his stresses and his crap in my lap for a long while now. Ive talked to him about it and then he stops for a bit.....but then its the same damn song and dance all over again. And since november when he lost his job, its been a hell of a lot more being dumped in my lap then normal and IM the only one dealing with it. He simply just doesnt care. And my personaly favorite of 'oh just dont let it bother you, just let it roll off your back' shit talk is having me at wits end. the ONLY reason he can think that way is because i have had to deal with said problem. if i left it alone we would be heading up shit creek but somehow i manage to pull everything together to save the day. And now its been a fricken compitetion with him on some things. I sleep with DS so DH sleeps in the extra room. So there should be no reason hes not sleeping at night, I on the other hand get woken up many times through out the night for feedings or DS is teething right now so he wakes randomly because hes in pain. I average about..3-4and a half hours of sleep a night. So im tired. I say something about me being tired and didnt sleep last night i get his i didnt sleep either and blah blah blah i need a npa and blah blah blah. You know how badly i want to grab the shovel from the garage and smack the ever-livin shit outta him?? and holy shit my body issues are back. For awhile i was fine with how i looked. But now i cannot STAND to look in the mirror, i actually have the urge to puke when i look in the mirror.

DH knows that im on the verge of cutting. ive told him, hell tonight i said i need everyone to stop because im getting to stressed and i feel like im going to do something to myself....his response?? knock it the fuck off and just quit with that shit. im sick of hearing it. So now......im back to just not telling him a damn thing. i close off once again. and then he bitches and moans about me closing myself off, i seriously feel like i cant win.

Quoting GirlWSlingshot:

 Is it the pain that's helping or is it the act of hitting yourself? If it's the pain (which seems like the obvious answer because of your cutting history) then I don't think anything but a change in circumstances is going to help. You are under extreme pressure and have dealt with more hardship and stress in the last month than most people do in a decade. You've had to be the strong one and you can only carry the burden for so long. Does DH know you're on the verge of cutting again?

 If it's the hitting that is helping you then maybe you need to start jogging or get your hands on a punching bag. You need an outlet for your frustration (and if I were you I'd have a heck of a lot of frustration pent up).

 You're important and you're the most important person in your children's lives. You're not a failure and you're not a screw up. No matter what mistakes you made in the past, the person you are today is a caring, loving mother and partner who would walk through fire for her family.


 

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