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I am a great Mom, but a horrible Wife... HELP!!

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM
  • 19 Replies

 My DH and I have been together now for 8 years, 5 years married this past March.  We had a really rocky marriage for the first couple of years.  We had never lived together and with a newborn, we moved to San Diego, away from our families.  When the MARINES tell you where to go, you go.  It took a couple years to finally get my DH husband to see what it meant to have a family of our own,  So fast forward to try and keep a LONG story as short as possible, this past weekend, a lot of information came out.  My DH and I went to dinner Saturday night and turns out, he has been unhappy for a very, very long time.  He told me that I am no longer the one that knows him the best, his co-workers do. (My husband is an armed guard and is on routes all day long with the same guy generally, so yeah I guess that makes sense, especially with 8-12 hr shifts).  It hurt though, because he was telling his coworker about how miserable he was, but he wasn't telling me.  I am 23, and yeah, to be honest, my sex drive went REALLY low, and that has been a major issue, but I had no idea this is how he was feeling.  He flat out told me that I am the best Mom and that he could never imagine having a child with anyone else, but I am a horrible wife.  I don't make him feel watned, or like I am attracted to him.  And apparently, people at work are constantly telling him how lucky his wiffe is that he is at work, working long hour days, and he tells me he just rolls his eyes because he doesn't think that I see anything.  He just thinks I get angry for him not being home and working OT.  He even thknks that since he believes I can't handle this schedule, that I will end up leaving him if he gets this job he waiting for with Border Patrol.  OMG!!! I wouldn't leave my husband for following his dreams and getting a better job to support us.  It sucks that this is how he feels.  The sad part though, is that, I can COMPLETELY see where he is coming from.  It's killing me to know that I have made him feel this way.  He said he never wanted to talk to me because I am so negative towards him, and holy shit, even my Mom agreed with this.  It sucks, but at the same time, I also know what I need to fix it.  DH and I need to go out more and spend more alone time together.  I have put everything I have into being what I think is a great Mom, and yet, I have been neglecting my best frind.  Who at this point probably can't even consider me as that.  I told my Mom everything because of course, I am going to requier her help to get me to make my marriage solid again (by babysitting of course) and she told me to think of it like this.  DH, who we know NEVER shares his feeling's, opened up to me, even if it was pretty much a blow up out of nowhere, which show he does love me and wants to be with me.  He could have just ended the marriagae without an explanation.  Background of my hsband is that he comes from a home, where the Mom walked out on them when he was about 6 and his father passed away when he was 20.  He is a very tough guy, former MARINE and extremely independent.  Put it like this, I call him my Pit-Bull.  I can't lose my husband!  Aside from my son, he means everything to me.  Sorry so long, I just have been sitting on this for 3 days now, and I needed to let it out.

Has anyone else been through this, where they got so caught up in motherhood that they forgot about there partner?  If so, any advice????

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
VictoriousTory
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:02 AM
1 mom liked this

I have never been thru this.... so I don't know quite what to say.... BUT.... in my situation.... I try to do little things for my SO to show that I am thinking about him and that he matters to me.... Like I love to make his favorite dinners.... or surprise him with cupcakes or some sort ofdessert... I text him randomly throughout the day to say that I love him or miss him.... I send him pix of our son to make his day a little brighter. I tell him how much he means to me and sometimes even send him dirty texts lol.  i haven't been doing this as much since our son was born but I make sure we have time together.... I will download a movie I know he would like or something like that... We take walks or go to the beach,,, Maybe your DH just needs some little things sometimes. I am sure you guys dont get that much time.... with him working so much, Maybe surprise him with a massage or a 6 pack and his favorite movie? I wish I could empathize with you!!! I hope some of my suggestions help. :) 

LadyEmrys
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:09 AM
1 mom liked this

i dont know if this helps hun but.... my husband is a difficult person. i love him, but sometimes... so i try to remember to follow this quote by C.S.Lewis. sometimes we get caught up in being a mom, or thinking about what wrongs have happened, or what we think we need right then.. and forget about the other person. understandable. i hope this quote helps you. good luck hun! 

When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less. - Mere Christianity


LilStacy
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:28 AM
My hubby tells me im a great mom n terrible wife!....he laughs n says he's jks, cuz im not the best house keeper, n I can't cook unless its from a box or bag cuz I try I jus fail, n I have a low sex drive.....so I been working on it!...I been keeping house better, n ask if I can fix him food b4 work.....I jus do the best I can, n that's all I can do!....good luck to u!
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whatmynameagain
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:28 AM
Having a date when you can sounds like a good idea even if its a time he's home and baby is asleep. Also little things to show you care /want are thinking of him male a big difference with mu Dh hr drives trucks so he's gone on 12 hr shifts too. Id wake up early and make his lunch wave goodbye to him at 3the am when he's leave. Also I leave love notes for him around the house, in his lunch or on his pillow. Tell him how much you appreciate him and things he does for you. Even if he just takes the trash can out I tell Dh thankyou I appreciate it. He shrugs it off but I can tell he l
feels good I notice things he does.
It's really easy to get distracted by being mom 24/7 and put the relationship bt your so and you aside im guiltyof it too. But those little things do make a difference.
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wilesmomma
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:49 AM
1 mom liked this
My dh and I are going through a rough patch too. I've been very negative and am starting to see it more and more. Half of our problem is we never get to do anything together as in just us. Having 3 kids, it isn't always easy finding a baby sitter.
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mom2twins9909
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this

 Sounds like you guys need some alone time!

mom2twins9909
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:53 AM

 *hugs* Hope it gets better for y'all!

Quoting wilesmomma:

My dh and I are going through a rough patch too. I've been very negative and am starting to see it more and more. Half of our problem is we never get to do anything together as in just us. Having 3 kids, it isn't always easy finding a baby sitter.

 

GirlWSlingshot
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:53 AM
Ok. You can do this. But first, you need to figure out weekday he needs from you. Is it more communication? Is out more physical affection? More time together? A good place to start is to look at how he shows you love. My husband shows me he loves me by doing things for me, like working on my car and working hard to provide. I try to do little things for him, like make sure he always has food ready, and having the house the way he likes when he comes home. Those things make him feel loved.

One thing you can start with, because you seem like a good writer, is to send a note with him everyday for a week or two telling him something you love about him, reminding him of a fond memory of you as couple,.or something flirty. Don't talk about it beforehand, just slip a note in his lunch or tape it to his steering wheel. It will be two fold, he'll feel appreciated and you'll have happy thoughts about him at the fore front.
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mrsbrimer
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:54 AM
I live in san diego too!

We try to have date nights at least once a month.. it really helps us connect
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wilesmomma
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 9:55 AM
Thank you, it will. Part of the problem is he got hurt so he's been home all day, every day with the kids. But he started going down to his uncles bar and helping out 2 days a week. He needs grown up time too lol

Quoting mom2twins9909:

 *hugs* Hope it gets better for y'all!


Quoting wilesmomma:

My dh and I are going through a rough patch too. I've been very negative and am starting to see it more and more. Half of our problem is we never get to do anything together as in just us. Having 3 kids, it isn't always easy finding a baby sitter.

 

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