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DH and I disagree on EVERYTHING!

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:54 PM
  • 9 Replies

 I am so frustrated w/Dh! Idk what to do at this point. Tonite we had a big falling out over how we handle our children. I have a ds from a previous relationship(10 yrs) and 2 dd from our marriage(8 &5 yrs). Our argument started when i got upset when I realized youngest dd cut up a few of my bill paying envelopes to make a pony. I got so upset bc lately both dds have been trying to do whatever they want, when they want, and not caring about other people personal property. So I ignored her artwork and got angry for destroying my property w/out even asking. Dh steps in calls me a bitch and tells dd that her pony is wonderful and creative. Fine ok, but no he goes further than that and tell her that I am mean and she doesnt have to listen to me, and can use the envelopes and scissors anythime she wants and if I say anything about it then come get him and he will take care of it. This is just what happened tonite, he is always accusing me of hating our dds and only loving ds and treating him like a king. I disagree, I feel like he thinks his dds can do no wrong and blames my ds for everything. I dont allow dh to punish ds except for grounding him off of the xbox. And ds is not scared to tell me what dh does when Im not lookiing so dont worry about that. But our parenting styles are so very different! I dont spank but I take away priviledges and toys. He thinks spanking is completely ok bc "his mother did". He thinks the way his mother raised him is the only way a child should be raised and everyone else is raising a bunch of pussies. When we 1st got together we seemed to be on the same page but as Im getting older I am learning and changing a few things as I see fit, he on the other hand refuses to think his mother could be wrong or even trying something new. Its not just our parenting styles but he also doesnt seem to care about our relationship the way I do. I have to beg him to spend time w/me and if he does spend time w/me, its only for 1 tv show or 2 if Im lucky. He spends 6+ hrs on his xbox a day and when I ask for his time he gets annoyed and says Im bitching. I have told him point blank before that I love him but if he doesnt want to spend time w/me someone else will. I only said it to make want to spend more time w/me but it totally backfired. He yelled at me to get the f*** out if Im not happy w/the way he is. And good luck finding anyone to take a bitch like me.  But I am honestly a very good, kind hearted person. I am always smiling and offering my help to anyone I possibly can w/out wanting anything in return. I am a kind genuine person and I think I am a wonderful wife. I take care of the kids, make homecooked meals every night, clean, and take care of all errands, go to school, and work as much as my job allows. He on the other hand does the bare minimum in everything except gaming. I  just dont know what to do anymore, Im beginning to feel like maybe my marriage may be a total loss. 

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:54 PM
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Replies (1-9):
shadow_lark
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:57 PM
1 mom liked this
Im gonna be blunt. i didn't read all of that because it was fairly clear from the beginning that you need family therapy. and soon.
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Nurina101
by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:18 AM

SO im young and i have only been with my bf about four 1/2 yrs.

But You guys need to sit down and come to agreements when it comes to raising your children. I assume you two are both taking financial and emotional resposibility for every child i your home! It needs to be across the board rules that every child has to obey and respect. The fact that you two are so seprate (hints the children runs to one to get there way) will only hurt the children and your relationship by seeing the obvious weaknesses in the relationship and managment!


The xbox: LOL sorry i have to laugh the xbox is like having another Bi**h in the house. I would break my bfs if i knew i wouldn't have to replace her!!!! but we have something we call pillow time! At the end of the night He gives me a hour to two hours in our room (which i removed the tv) to talk, make love, or just simply lay next to one another. 


more importantly just control the anger and yelling (which is soooooo hard, but it gets easier) and try to understand eaches point of veiw! 


lol thats the best i got goood luck :)

saucykitty22
by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:37 AM
1 mom liked this

 Thank u so much for taking the time to reply to my post! Even tho u stated that u are young, ur advice comes across as someone who knows a thing or 2. I see what u r saying about our children pretty much using us to get their way and even playing us against each other. And I have tried to have a serious discussion with dh about this but he sees it as attack on him. I think the only real help in that department is therapy, but our insurance doesnt cover that kind of treatment and we are on a seriously tight budget. I decided today that Im going to check into other options that may be less costly. And yes I often refer to his xbox as his girlfriend bc she gets more of his time than I do. This has been an issue in our relationship for the entire 9 yrs of our marriage. I can honestly say that I am just about fed up w/it. I think of leaving him on a daily basis for that stupid thing alone. But I am worried that I might be throwing away a marriage over something stupid and possibly ruining my kids lives. As for pillow talk...LOL! I wish! I can barely get him to come to bed w/me, much less hang out w/me. But I am very happy that u have this kind of relationship and I am very envious.

Quoting Nurina101:

SO im young and i have only been with my bf about four 1/2 yrs.

But You guys need to sit down and come to agreements when it comes to raising your children. I assume you two are both taking financial and emotional resposibility for every child i your home! It needs to be across the board rules that every child has to obey and respect. The fact that you two are so seprate (hints the children runs to one to get there way) will only hurt the children and your relationship by seeing the obvious weaknesses in the relationship and managment!

 

The xbox: LOL sorry i have to laugh the xbox is like having another Bi**h in the house. I would break my bfs if i knew i wouldn't have to replace her!!!! but we have something we call pillow time! At the end of the night He gives me a hour to two hours in our room (which i removed the tv) to talk, make love, or just simply lay next to one another. 

 

more importantly just control the anger and yelling (which is soooooo hard, but it gets easier) and try to understand eaches point of veiw! 

 

lol thats the best i got goood luck :)

 

Nurina101
by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:56 AM

I hear you about the therapy, he feels like its an attack on him becuase somewhere in him he knows he's doing wrong. My bf always says "he'll argue with me till he's blue in the face becuase he loves me and wants me to understand." I feel like thats what ur doing. it took us at least three years to get to where we are an its still fustrating when we blow up. Keep trying and don't try to point fingers mabey write a letter, of your problems to get the feelings out, sleep on it and come back the next day to revise and take all the not so nice things out. (i mean this will only work if he's in to reading) i don't always recomend therapy becuase you have to want it! and i know that just by dealing with my mother (whos a recovering drug addict, but thats another storey) try to slowly open him up learn why he plays or take the time to enjoy what he does ....have mindless fun and play with him i think he'll like that and ou may even get him to talk of course these are only ideas 

Quoting saucykitty22:

 Thank u so much for taking the time to reply to my post! Even tho u stated that u are young, ur advice comes across as someone who knows a thing or 2. I see what u r saying about our children pretty much using us to get their way and even playing us against each other. And I have tried to have a serious discussion with dh about this but he sees it as attack on him. I think the only real help in that department is therapy, but our insurance doesnt cover that kind of treatment and we are on a seriously tight budget. I decided today that Im going to check into other options that may be less costly. And yes I often refer to his xbox as his girlfriend bc she gets more of his time than I do. This has been an issue in our relationship for the entire 9 yrs of our marriage. I can honestly say that I am just about fed up w/it. I think of leaving him on a daily basis for that stupid thing alone. But I am worried that I might be throwing away a marriage over something stupid and possibly ruining my kids lives. As for pillow talk...LOL! I wish! I can barely get him to come to bed w/me, much less hang out w/me. But I am very happy that u have this kind of relationship and I am very envious.

Quoting Nurina101:

SO im young and i have only been with my bf about four 1/2 yrs.

But You guys need to sit down and come to agreements when it comes to raising your children. I assume you two are both taking financial and emotional resposibility for every child i your home! It needs to be across the board rules that every child has to obey and respect. The fact that you two are so seprate (hints the children runs to one to get there way) will only hurt the children and your relationship by seeing the obvious weaknesses in the relationship and managment!


The xbox: LOL sorry i have to laugh the xbox is like having another Bi**h in the house. I would break my bfs if i knew i wouldn't have to replace her!!!! but we have something we call pillow time! At the end of the night He gives me a hour to two hours in our room (which i removed the tv) to talk, make love, or just simply lay next to one another. 


more importantly just control the anger and yelling (which is soooooo hard, but it gets easier) and try to understand eaches point of veiw! 


lol thats the best i got goood luck :)

 


saucykitty22
by on May. 1, 2012 at 1:31 AM
1 mom liked this

 Its so funny that u said I should play w/him and have mindless talk. I did this and he got annoyed and accused me of being a child and needy. I actually did write a letter several times, which i still have copies of that also did not work. I really, really apprieciate ur concern and advice. thank u so much!

Quoting Nurina101:

I hear you about the therapy, he feels like its an attack on him becuase somewhere in him he knows he's doing wrong. My bf always says "he'll argue with me till he's blue in the face becuase he loves me and wants me to understand." I feel like thats what ur doing. it took us at least three years to get to where we are an its still fustrating when we blow up. Keep trying and don't try to point fingers mabey write a letter, of your problems to get the feelings out, sleep on it and come back the next day to revise and take all the not so nice things out. (i mean this will only work if he's in to reading) i don't always recomend therapy becuase you have to want it! and i know that just by dealing with my mother (whos a recovering drug addict, but thats another storey) try to slowly open him up learn why he plays or take the time to enjoy what he does ....have mindless fun and play with him i think he'll like that and ou may even get him to talk of course these are only ideas 

Quoting saucykitty22:

 Thank u so much for taking the time to reply to my post! Even tho u stated that u are young, ur advice comes across as someone who knows a thing or 2. I see what u r saying about our children pretty much using us to get their way and even playing us against each other. And I have tried to have a serious discussion with dh about this but he sees it as attack on him. I think the only real help in that department is therapy, but our insurance doesnt cover that kind of treatment and we are on a seriously tight budget. I decided today that Im going to check into other options that may be less costly. And yes I often refer to his xbox as his girlfriend bc she gets more of his time than I do. This has been an issue in our relationship for the entire 9 yrs of our marriage. I can honestly say that I am just about fed up w/it. I think of leaving him on a daily basis for that stupid thing alone. But I am worried that I might be throwing away a marriage over something stupid and possibly ruining my kids lives. As for pillow talk...LOL! I wish! I can barely get him to come to bed w/me, much less hang out w/me. But I am very happy that u have this kind of relationship and I am very envious.

Quoting Nurina101:

SO im young and i have only been with my bf about four 1/2 yrs.

But You guys need to sit down and come to agreements when it comes to raising your children. I assume you two are both taking financial and emotional resposibility for every child i your home! It needs to be across the board rules that every child has to obey and respect. The fact that you two are so seprate (hints the children runs to one to get there way) will only hurt the children and your relationship by seeing the obvious weaknesses in the relationship and managment!

 

The xbox: LOL sorry i have to laugh the xbox is like having another Bi**h in the house. I would break my bfs if i knew i wouldn't have to replace her!!!! but we have something we call pillow time! At the end of the night He gives me a hour to two hours in our room (which i removed the tv) to talk, make love, or just simply lay next to one another. 

 

more importantly just control the anger and yelling (which is soooooo hard, but it gets easier) and try to understand eaches point of veiw! 

 

lol thats the best i got goood luck :)

 


 

comf
by on May. 1, 2012 at 1:40 AM
My mother is 40, kids are grown, and she just now got enough sense to leave a situation like yours.

My suggestion is to leave now and if he wants to change then work with him, if not, move on.

It's really sad your daughters are learning how they are supposed to be treated when they get married.


Quoting saucykitty22:

 Its so funny that u said I should play w/him and have mindless talk. I did this and he got annoyed and accused me of being a child and needy. I actually did write a letter several times, which i still have copies of that also did not work. I really, really apprieciate ur concern and advice. thank u so much!


Quoting Nurina101:


I hear you about the therapy, he feels like its an attack on him becuase somewhere in him he knows he's doing wrong. My bf always says "he'll argue with me till he's blue in the face becuase he loves me and wants me to understand." I feel like thats what ur doing. it took us at least three years to get to where we are an its still fustrating when we blow up. Keep trying and don't try to point fingers mabey write a letter, of your problems to get the feelings out, sleep on it and come back the next day to revise and take all the not so nice things out. (i mean this will only work if he's in to reading) i don't always recomend therapy becuase you have to want it! and i know that just by dealing with my mother (whos a recovering drug addict, but thats another storey) try to slowly open him up learn why he plays or take the time to enjoy what he does ....have mindless fun and play with him i think he'll like that and ou may even get him to talk of course these are only ideas 


Quoting saucykitty22:


 Thank u so much for taking the time to reply to my post! Even tho u stated that u are young, ur advice comes across as someone who knows a thing or 2. I see what u r saying about our children pretty much using us to get their way and even playing us against each other. And I have tried to have a serious discussion with dh about this but he sees it as attack on him. I think the only real help in that department is therapy, but our insurance doesnt cover that kind of treatment and we are on a seriously tight budget. I decided today that Im going to check into other options that may be less costly. And yes I often refer to his xbox as his girlfriend bc she gets more of his time than I do. This has been an issue in our relationship for the entire 9 yrs of our marriage. I can honestly say that I am just about fed up w/it. I think of leaving him on a daily basis for that stupid thing alone. But I am worried that I might be throwing away a marriage over something stupid and possibly ruining my kids lives. As for pillow talk...LOL! I wish! I can barely get him to come to bed w/me, much less hang out w/me. But I am very happy that u have this kind of relationship and I am very envious.


Quoting Nurina101:


SO im young and i have only been with my bf about four 1/2 yrs.


But You guys need to sit down and come to agreements when it comes to raising your children. I assume you two are both taking financial and emotional resposibility for every child i your home! It needs to be across the board rules that every child has to obey and respect. The fact that you two are so seprate (hints the children runs to one to get there way) will only hurt the children and your relationship by seeing the obvious weaknesses in the relationship and managment!


 


The xbox: LOL sorry i have to laugh the xbox is like having another Bi**h in the house. I would break my bfs if i knew i wouldn't have to replace her!!!! but we have something we call pillow time! At the end of the night He gives me a hour to two hours in our room (which i removed the tv) to talk, make love, or just simply lay next to one another. 


 


more importantly just control the anger and yelling (which is soooooo hard, but it gets easier) and try to understand eaches point of veiw! 


 


lol thats the best i got goood luck :)


 




 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Shermy
by on May. 1, 2012 at 1:52 AM
1 mom liked this

Everything you have described about your husband sounds like he is being emotionally abusive.  Relationships are not checklists, but I thought I would throw this up here because, well, there were a few key things that were concerning. Namely that he called you a bitch in front of your children, says no one else would want you, and well....apparently he calls you a bitch with some frequency?

 Humiliate you by… 

  • Does your partner call you names like “stupid”, “whore”, “idiot”, or “bitch”? 
  • Does your partner tell you what is “wrong” with you in front of other people? 
  •  Does your partner say that no one else would want you or would love you? 
  •  Criticizing you in front of family, friends or co-workers. 
  •  Ridiculing you alone or in public, and later claiming it was just a joke. 
  •  Making cutting remarks about how you look or dress. 
  •  Insulting your values and beliefs. 
  •  Belittling activities and interests that are important to you. 

Edited because I saw you are seeking therapy.

Do you happen to have an EAP through your employer, or that extends to you through your husbands employer? Many EAPs, if available offer short term help for a variety of situations and they are totally confidental and free. Additonally, many colleges offer free or low cost therapy, and many professionals offer slidding scale payments based on your level of financial need - for sure worth asking about.  Mental health isn't covered well here in the states, and so for many people, being able to afford services like therapy is an "extra" and agencies know this. As a last option, you might want to call your counties health services and ask about low cost or free therapy.  

saucykitty22
by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:53 PM

 I am not sure if dh employer offers EAP but now that u brought it up I am certainly going to check into it! I am desperate at this point so I am willing to try anything. And I have known for some time now that dh can be somewhat emotionally abusive but he is not always like that.  I feel like an idiot bc I know he is not just going to change on his own, but I keep hoping he will. Thank u so much for taking the time to help me. I am looking at my post now that I am not as angry as I was last night and im a little embarrassed. Im not usually a crybaby like this, I was just at my breaking point.

Quoting Shermy:

Everything you have described about your husband sounds like he is being emotionally abusive.  Relationships are not checklists, but I thought I would throw this up here because, well, there were a few key things that were concerning. Namely that he called you a bitch in front of your children, says no one else would want you, and well....apparently he calls you a bitch with some frequency?

 Humiliate you by… 

  • Does your partner call you names like “stupid”, “whore”, “idiot”, or “bitch”? 
  • Does your partner tell you what is “wrong” with you in front of other people? 
  •  Does your partner say that no one else would want you or would love you? 
  •  Criticizing you in front of family, friends or co-workers. 
  •  Ridiculing you alone or in public, and later claiming it was just a joke. 
  •  Making cutting remarks about how you look or dress. 
  •  Insulting your values and beliefs. 
  •  Belittling activities and interests that are important to you. 

Edited because I saw you are seeking therapy.

Do you happen to have an EAP through your employer, or that extends to you through your husbands employer? Many EAPs, if available offer short term help for a variety of situations and they are totally confidental and free. Additonally, many colleges offer free or low cost therapy, and many professionals offer slidding scale payments based on your level of financial need - for sure worth asking about.  Mental health isn't covered well here in the states, and so for many people, being able to afford services like therapy is an "extra" and agencies know this. As a last option, you might want to call your counties health services and ask about low cost or free therapy.  

 

Shermy
by on May. 1, 2012 at 10:56 PM

I don't think anyone thinks you are an idoit, or acting like an idoit. It is a difficult postion to be in, and I sincerly hope you both get whatever kind of help you need. 

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