everything is just a huge clusterf***. you dont even need to read this. its dumb. i just need to vent.
I have no idea why i get myself into such dumb situations.
All i wanted to do was stay on this path of finding myself.
and i keep getting distracted. i keep thinking i know what it is i'm looking for. and then i find it, and then its just a bunch of clusterfuckery.
i dont understand why i just cant be happy. i dont understand why everything "worth having" is so hard. why do people really have to fight for happiness? its counterproactive. it makes no sense. i'm like a walking vicious cycle. I get away from something I never wanted for myself, just to turn around and walk into it again. so dumb. and why am i not surprised that it still doesnt end up the same way? who knows. I still dont know.
I cant even think anymore. My mind is all over the place. One of my best childhood friends just passed away. I dont know why I'm taking it this hard. I havent really spoken to him in quite a few years. I guess its just the initial shock of knowing that life is so short, especially when he is the second of my three childhood friends to die. Its just not fair. First Bekah. she left behind a three month old son at the time. How is this fair? And now Ryan. Just why? These two people were the best, and sweetest people. Their children didnt deserve to have their parents taken from them. And the most fucked up part about all this? Both of these people were raised up in a church. Grew up to believe that "jesus has a special plan for you" special plan? what? to have beautiful children, and then be ripped away from them so quickly? how is that fair? and why is "jesus" so cruel? i will never understand. all i want to do is just crawl into a hole in the fear that something will happen to me, too. whatever special jesus creature in the sky seems to have it in for all my childhood friends. its just not fair. at least now they have each other. I'll never forget either of you. and you will live on, in your precious children.
this whole dumb "thing" whatever is going on here, i dont like it. not for one minute. You cant go into something being a secret, if its going to stay a secret. I hate it. everything got so screwed up. and you know why? because i put myself into a situation I just dont want to deal with. and i didnt want to deal with in the first place. I'm so stupid. I'm just tired. I cant deal with anything anymore.
my mind just runs on autopilot most of the time. i dont even know whats going on anymore. At work i'm just a zombie. I dont even care about making money anymore. All i wanna do is just pull the covers up over my head, and just let all this pass. its like a bad dream and i cant wake up. nothing is fair anymore. i'm just mentally exhausted. I dont want to deal with any of it anymore.
i'm just mentally exhausted. I just need to get away from this place. I dont want to deal with any of these emotions anymore.
does it ever get any better?
i just feel like a huge black cloud follows me wherever I go anymore.