Let me start off by saying i love my mom dearly and i appreciate everything she did and still does for me. However, lol..
She's driving me crazy. I mean, sometimes my mom seriously over-steps her bounds when it comes to me and how i want to raise my children. lately, i just feel myself going crazy because everything just seems ALL screwed up!! For one, i can't stand to discipline my children and to feel like im being watched or monitored by anyone. And i don't like being...whats the word..undermined as a mother. Like if i say something to my kids, they will go to my mom and it used to be that she would give them or say something completely different to them then what i said. I see IT as, these are my kids, im going to raise them how i want to raise them. So thats one of the problems, i just feel like she is constantly stepping in when i don't need or want her too. sometimes i'd like to do things myself or at least be given the opportuinity too but she always steps in. Okay prime example: last night my daughter had an accident and peed on the floor in the room, so i went to bathe her because she had school this am and when we came back in the room, the whole room smelled of cleaning fumes because my mom sprayed the floor and was cleaning the area. Okay, i appreciate that, number 1 and i see she was trying to help but she didn't give me the chance to clean it and on top of that it smelled really strong and my son was still sleeping in the room so i guess he was just inhaling all of the fumes. I mean i understand pee is a strong smell but so are cleaning fumes and i dont want him breathing that in while he was sleeping.*SIGH* Okay next is..my kids fathers' yes i have two. one is barely involved cuz he can't seem to get his self together, thats my son's father. My daughter's father he is involved but not as much as he could be. I don't remember the last time he bought her anything but he calls and talks to her and occasionally she goes over there for the weekend. he also started his own business recently. Okay so me and my daughter's father, let's call him N. N and i don't communicate at all. Someone thing happened between us so long ago but i guess he has not gotten over it which is weird because im the one who ended up with a bruise on my back but whatever. Anyway when he wants to call and talk to her or anything, he calls who? My mom. And sometimes my mom will take it upon herself to call and tell him stuff about my daughter as well. She doesn't gvie me the opportunity, just takes it upon herself so i guess she's acting like the middle man but she always complains about it but says that once i move out he'll have no choice but to communicate with me. My thing is, he will never take me seriously until i move out and until my mom stops advocating for my daughter and i. she shouldn't have to play the middle man just because he is too immature to call my phone. my phone number hasn't changed. Did i mention my mom is always stressed or hollering around the house about something?? it can be the smallest thing but she lets it stress her out to the point where the kids sit down or ask me why NANA is mad and that stresses me out because it creates an intense environment for the kids and i dont like that. i'm more cool, calm and collected i dont let every little thing stress me. I mean when she is mad she slams DOORS, curses, throws things the whole dramatic 9. And then there is the thing with anxiety and panic attacks. She almost can never be left alone with the kids or by herself and this makes it hard for me to get out and find a job because i have to worry about leaving the kids with her. My old job i had, i had to leave early or call out several times because of her health. Her health is also one of the reasons im here, she says she needs me. But at the same time is always talking about me to other family members or just being nasty and saying stuff about how i raise my kids. i told her im gonna stop giving my daughter a bath in the am because its gettting colder in the morning and i dont want her to get sick. what does she say? oh you can still give her a bath, so i do and what happens? now my daughter is has the sniffles and sneezes a lot. Then what really pissed me off is that i noticed my son had a lil bit of a stuttering problem and i told her about it, she writes it off and says he's just playing around. it's not until my daughters teacher did an at home visit and SHE noticed it, did my mom actually stop and say ohh okay he's not playing. DON'T DOWNPLAY MY FEELINGS AND DECISIONS ABOUT MY KIDS AS A MOTHER. I don't like that AT ALL.
Anyway, i'm ready to grow up and face the real world. So i've just recently for certified aS a CNA and im ready to start the rest of my adult life. i'll be 26 at the end of the month. There is this program near my house that helps single mothers. It's called Crossway Community. I can live there with the kids for a minimum or 3 years and they help with training for school/life decidons/financial lanning everything that i would need for myself and the kids as a single mother is at my feet. My own place, a school for the kids.. they also have a montessori school . Bottom line its great for me. Only reason i never bothered with it before is because i have to put the kids father on child support and my daughter's father N always threatened to take her away if i did and my son's father always said to me how are you going to get the support, "you wont be around to spend it". Ladies im sure u can read between the lines on that one. But im tired. Tired of letting my life pass me by and being left behind. I'm getting old dammit! I'm ready to be the head of my household and do things my way and just get my life together. One daddy just started a business, the daddy other is hardly there anyway & cant hold on to a job, i just can't keep letting fear get to me anymore. I want to take advantage of this program while i still can. I want to go back to school to become a health educator and if i can do all of this while i have the opportunites and resources, then thats what i want to do. i want to be taken seriously as an adult by everyone. Even if no one believes in me, i do because i know what i want. Sure it took me a while but i know now. I believe in myself, i know i can do it. I know its going to be hard but i accept that challenge. So my question is..should i go ahead with this program or stay at home and wait? Because if i stay at home and wait its going to take me 2 or 3 more years to finally get out on my own and i dont know if i can wait that long with my mother. Her and i are starting to clash A LOT. SORRY ITS SO LONG GUYS. HELP!!!