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I Think I've Figured It Out.

Posted by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 11:14 AM
  • 61 Replies
I've spent months trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I've managed to convert completely from a joyous, happy, loves-to-laugh, positive person to a complaining, whining, leave-me-the-hell-alone type of monster.

Last night I sat & thought about it all.... The events leading up to my mom's death, my heartbreak, my loss.... I kept asking myself: WHAT CHANGED?

The only rational answer that I can come up with is that I simply wanted the world to stop. MY world stopped abruptly, when my mom took her last breath here on earth. My world crumbled beneath my feet & my world STOPPED! My heart shattered, my mind went blank, my feelings numbed, AND MY WORLD STOPPED!

I wanted so desperately for the world to feel the loss I had suffered. NOT because I wish this level of pain on anyone, but because I didn't want to feel needed! For a time.... An UNKNOWN TO ME amount of time, I didn't want to be seen! DON'T hug me! Don't say "I'm sorry!" DO NOT see me standing alone & assume I want you around! And, for the sake of your own safety, for the loveof GOD, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME that my mom "is in a better place.". JUST DON'T!

Don't do ANYTHING! Don't ask me for a glass of milk, don't ask my why I'm crying, don't ask me "what's for dinner?". Don't expect me to get out of bed & get the kids ready for school. JUST DON'T!!!!!!!!

I brought my mind back to the day of my mom's funeral & pondered all of the words spoken to me that day.... I re-hashed my own feelings, as I saw myself walk around the room like a zombie, wishing everyone would disappear, so I could just be alone... I asked myself: "Did ANY of those people there, ANY words spoken, ANY hug given, ANY OF IT offer me even an ounce of comfort?"

YES!!! YES!!! ONE MOMENT! One simple & genuine moment gave me peace.....

A 7 year old little girl... One I used to babysit for... She came up to me & said: "Hey Steph. I heard your mom died."

I had not ONE ounce of care, patience, or grace to address this precious child in any maturity what-so-ever....

So, I simply replied: "yep." & stared at the floor....

This 7 year old little girl said the most COMFORTING, GENUINE, & WONDERFULLY UNDERSTANDING words I had heard all day!!!!

She simply replied: "That sucks!" & stared at the floor right alongside me.

THAT is all I wanted!!!! For someone to be IN THE MOMENT with me & instead of repeat the bullshit quotes that are spewed in the rooms of every funeral home on an hourly basis... JUST DON'T!
Just be HERE & acknowledge that THIS SUCKS!!!!! That is all.

I know that expecting the world to stop, seems irrational. I understand that expecting people to know exactly what to say & do, is unfair. I just didn't/don't care.

THAT is the difference! The difference is that BEFORE, my actions & words closely reflected that of how I KNEW everyone else expected me to be. NOW? I simply don't care!


Because I'm bitter as hell! :*-(

I'm ANGRY! I HATE that my mom died. I HATE that I have to live the rest of my life without her here.

MOST OF ALL: I HATE that the world didn't stop for long enough to just LET ME BE!!!!!!!!!!

From the moment she passed to this very moment that I'm typing this post, I've been NEEDED!

"Pick an urn for your mom's ashes", "sign this paperwork to gain legal rights over your mom's remains", "gotta head home, the kids have been with a sitter for 3 days". "Gotta smile, Joey's watching". "Better make dinner, nobody else will". "Sign up for school". "Sign up for volleyball". "Doctor appointment today!" "Volleyball game today!" "Gotta sort through mom's few belongings." "Better clean the house." "Laundry". "More laundry." "Kiss an owie". "Help with homework". "Drive to school". "What's for breakfast?" "Grocery shop!" "Put gas in the car!" "Drive some more!" "Clean some more!""Plan your mom's ash scattering ceremony" "plan your first Christmas without your mom". .......... STOP! STOP! FUCKING STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOST of these things were things I was able to accomplish, without fret. My levels of stress were so MINIMAL....


I'll tell you what! It's simple: If life & the world goes on after the death of the most important woman I'll ever come to know, than WHY THE FUCK is it to much to ask for people to manage for a while WITHOUT ME!?!?

If I'm emotionally UNABLE to cater to your every whim & INSTANTLY snap back into this life of "Give, Give, GIVE, GIVE..." WHY is that any different than if *I* was to die and you were FORCED to step the hell up & fill my shoes?!?

What has changed?!

Simply put: I'M BITTER AS HELL!

I want MY world to stop!!! NOT YOURS!

Since it is OBVIOUS that YOU are uneffected by my mother's passing, then BÝ ALL MEANS (DH) continue on your damn day! BUT, while you're at it...... STEP UP & FOR A MOMENT, fill MY shoes!

Don't hug me! Don't touch me! Don't think for one God-Damn SECOND that anything you say or do will miraculously "fix" this!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE & STEP THE FUCK UP!

So, there you have it. Again I've wasted a full night's sleep & half of my morning ATTEMPTING to "feel better" & INSTEAD, I'm left more confused than I was before!

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings again. Someday I'll get an actual journal & stop pestering ya'll with my insanity.

That is all. :*-(
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 11:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 11:21 AM

:( For what its worth I think you are a very strong person and you have a right to feel however you want to feel its ok to be bitter sometimes.

by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 11:27 AM
Oh honey you have the right to pester us and feel like this its your god damned right to feel as you do. So vent away and smack dh once for me, lol. What you need is a stiff drink and a day of relaxing. I hope and pray that you find peace and regain your sanity
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 11:54 AM
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Robe we all love you you can ramble to us anytime you want!
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 12:01 PM
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Sorry hun i can't even begin to image that level of pain .I would be devestated if my Mom died :(
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 12:12 PM
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You're right, that does really suck! I can't imagine loosing my mom :-( Unfortunately the world can't just stop no matter how much you want it to. take your time dealing with it, but try to remember that you have kids that need their mom just as much as you needed yours! They love you just like you loved your mom, all you can really do is try the best you can to deal and pick yourself back up, and be as wonderful of a mom to your kids as yours was to you!
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by Gold Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 12:20 PM
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I've felt the same way after my miscarriage. And I have a good friend dealing with the loss of her mom. She passed in august. It sucks when it happens. But you are very strong.
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 12:27 PM
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What a sweet little girl. It does suck, and it's not fair, I hope you can heal a bit and manage to pick up the pieces of your broken world. Until then, ramble away if that's what helps, baby:(
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 12:42 PM
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Here's the best thing I can say to you right now.... be grateful that you had your mom as long as you did. She got to know and love her grandkids. She got to watch you grow up. My mom died after years long, painful, drawn out battle with cancer before I even turned 12. She missed every single moment of my life from that moment on. She's never seen me as an adult, a wife, a mom. She never saw me graduate. I never had her to even say, "I love you" in going on 18 years now. You have to take what you had, for good and for bad, and be grateful for it all for as long as it was. I know you and your mom had seriously rocky moments. And I know that her death was unexpected. But obviously you loved and needed her, regardless of the past. Time is the only thing that can heal you. And time is what it takes to hash through all the true levels of grief.
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:44 PM
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I know you don't want to hear any I'm sorry or anything like that. I know what you're going through all too well. My mom passed away when I was 8. My cousin then stepped in to help raise me. She became my "mom" and she suddenly passed away right before I turned 20. I was sooo angry. Seemed like everybody always wanted to say sorry and just expected me to keep going. My world shut down. All I did was sleep and that's it. While everyone else thought I should be acting like everything was fine. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
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by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:55 PM
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Sometimes children have more wisdom than anyone else. I know how you feel about the world not stopping. After the funeral for my twins I went to the store for groceries, and ran into a woman I know and her son. She asked when my babies were born, as she had known I was pregnant. I stood there for a good 2-3 minutes without answering, trying to figure out what to say, and you could tell that she felt bad, realizing that she had put her foot in her mouth, but unsure when.

Her son (who I believe is 4 or 5) looked up and said "mommy, can't you tell she is sad?? I don't think she wants to talk about her babies." And then he came up and Hughes my legs. I felt better in that moment than I had talking to anyone, even people who "understood" because no one can EVER understand how much you hurt.

Your mom was just that.... YOUR MOM. No one had the same bond with her that you do, no one will ever understand how bad you hurt or how awful it was to be there when it happened.

You have every right o be mad and upset. She was your mama! And it sucks :((

I hope you do find some sort of comfort somewhere.
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