Last night I sat & thought about it all.... The events leading up to my mom's death, my heartbreak, my loss.... I kept asking myself: WHAT CHANGED?
The only rational answer that I can come up with is that I simply wanted the world to stop. MY world stopped abruptly, when my mom took her last breath here on earth. My world crumbled beneath my feet & my world STOPPED! My heart shattered, my mind went blank, my feelings numbed, AND MY WORLD STOPPED!
I wanted so desperately for the world to feel the loss I had suffered. NOT because I wish this level of pain on anyone, but because I didn't want to feel needed! For a time.... An UNKNOWN TO ME amount of time, I didn't want to be seen! DON'T hug me! Don't say "I'm sorry!" DO NOT see me standing alone & assume I want you around! And, for the sake of your own safety, for the loveof GOD, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME that my mom "is in a better place.". JUST DON'T!
Don't do ANYTHING! Don't ask me for a glass of milk, don't ask my why I'm crying, don't ask me "what's for dinner?". Don't expect me to get out of bed & get the kids ready for school. JUST DON'T!!!!!!!!
I brought my mind back to the day of my mom's funeral & pondered all of the words spoken to me that day.... I re-hashed my own feelings, as I saw myself walk around the room like a zombie, wishing everyone would disappear, so I could just be alone... I asked myself: "Did ANY of those people there, ANY words spoken, ANY hug given, ANY OF IT offer me even an ounce of comfort?"
YES!!! YES!!! ONE MOMENT! One simple & genuine moment gave me peace.....
A 7 year old little girl... One I used to babysit for... She came up to me & said: "Hey Steph. I heard your mom died."
I had not ONE ounce of care, patience, or grace to address this precious child in any maturity what-so-ever....
So, I simply replied: "yep." & stared at the floor....
This 7 year old little girl said the most COMFORTING, GENUINE, & WONDERFULLY UNDERSTANDING words I had heard all day!!!!
She simply replied: "That sucks!" & stared at the floor right alongside me.
THAT is all I wanted!!!! For someone to be IN THE MOMENT with me & instead of repeat the bullshit quotes that are spewed in the rooms of every funeral home on an hourly basis... JUST DON'T!
Just be HERE & acknowledge that THIS SUCKS!!!!! That is all.
I know that expecting the world to stop, seems irrational. I understand that expecting people to know exactly what to say & do, is unfair. I just didn't/don't care.
THAT is the difference! The difference is that BEFORE, my actions & words closely reflected that of how I KNEW everyone else expected me to be. NOW? I simply don't care!
Because I'm bitter as hell! :*-(
I'm ANGRY! I HATE that my mom died. I HATE that I have to live the rest of my life without her here.
MOST OF ALL: I HATE that the world didn't stop for long enough to just LET ME BE!!!!!!!!!!
From the moment she passed to this very moment that I'm typing this post, I've been NEEDED!
"Pick an urn for your mom's ashes", "sign this paperwork to gain legal rights over your mom's remains", "gotta head home, the kids have been with a sitter for 3 days". "Gotta smile, Joey's watching". "Better make dinner, nobody else will". "Sign up for school". "Sign up for volleyball". "Doctor appointment today!" "Volleyball game today!" "Gotta sort through mom's few belongings." "Better clean the house." "Laundry". "More laundry." "Kiss an owie". "Help with homework". "Drive to school". "What's for breakfast?" "Grocery shop!" "Put gas in the car!" "Drive some more!" "Clean some more!""Plan your mom's ash scattering ceremony" "plan your first Christmas without your mom". .......... STOP! STOP! FUCKING STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOST of these things were things I was able to accomplish, without fret. My levels of stress were so MINIMAL....
WHAT HAS CHANGED?
I'll tell you what! It's simple: If life & the world goes on after the death of the most important woman I'll ever come to know, than WHY THE FUCK is it to much to ask for people to manage for a while WITHOUT ME!?!?
If I'm emotionally UNABLE to cater to your every whim & INSTANTLY snap back into this life of "Give, Give, GIVE, GIVE..." WHY is that any different than if *I* was to die and you were FORCED to step the hell up & fill my shoes?!?
What has changed?!
Simply put: I'M BITTER AS HELL!
I want MY world to stop!!! NOT YOURS!
Since it is OBVIOUS that YOU are uneffected by my mother's passing, then BÝ ALL MEANS (DH) continue on your damn day! BUT, while you're at it...... STEP UP & FOR A MOMENT, fill MY shoes!
Don't hug me! Don't touch me! Don't think for one God-Damn SECOND that anything you say or do will miraculously "fix" this!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE & STEP THE FUCK UP!
So, there you have it. Again I've wasted a full night's sleep & half of my morning ATTEMPTING to "feel better" & INSTEAD, I'm left more confused than I was before!
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings again. Someday I'll get an actual journal & stop pestering ya'll with my insanity.
That is all. :*-(