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Still can't grasp it all

Posted by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 9:17 PM
  • 21 Replies
My mothers death that is. I just can't grasp it. I know she is gone but part of me doesn't want to believe it is true. She committed suicide October 22nd. I kind of had to take the roll of being the family rock because everyone around me was falling apart. It didnt help that as soon as I went back to work I started my new position and have been so busy between that and just life in general. I haven't really had a serious meltdown yet. It's like I'm disconnecting my emotions, like I'm afraid of them. That if I show emotions around certain people it may affect them negatively. I'm starting to feel depressed. I haven't been depressed in a very long time and it's scaring me. I know I need counseling but I don't have the money for it right now. There are support groups but they are at night and I have no one to watch the boys because so works night shift. I finally got my keepsake with her ashes today and it kinda made it feel a little more real, but it's like I'm still numb and disconnected. I have witnessed so much. Two prior overdosed, I had found her. And then this last time she went missing for two days and was found alive but barely. I sat there in the icu the entire time. I witnessed them try and resuscitate. I stayed in the room with her body for a while and had to say goodbye to a cold dead lifeless body, a woman that didn't look like my beautiful mother. I keep having flash backs. All day and night. Hotels scare me now because that's where she was found, and unfortunately I have to review the hotel at work several times a week because they are our account and I have to keep track of their purchases. It stops me dead in my tracks every time. I don't know how to cope, or where to start with my grieving process. I hate this feeling and im so angry that she left us like this so damn young. She was only 50. Her birthday is December 10 abs between that and the holidays it's going to be tough. I don't think what I'm going through is normal but then again maybe other people have felt like this. Ugh. I know there isn't anything anyone on here that can really do anything, I guess I'm just venting and saying things I can't normally say. I know I need professional help in dealing with this. I think tomorrow I will call my doctor and see if they can waive the copayment just once so that I can talk to someone. Ok... I'm done. Sorry it's so long and all over the place...that's kinda how my mind has been lately. All over the place.
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by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 9:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Courtney610
by Courtney on Nov. 15, 2012 at 9:20 PM
I've been wondering how you are doing. I hate all of this for you. You're a strong woman, though. I hope your doctor can help.

Big hugs.
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mom2twins9909
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 9:30 PM
Hugs mama. My mom will be dead 12 years Dec 20. I know how you feel and I hate this time of year. Her birthday is the 24th of this year. *Hugs* I am here if you need to talk.
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XoXo.Nikki.XoXo
by Ruby Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 10:32 PM
Thanks. It's just so hard to deal with it all. Like you said, this time of the year is especially hard because like you there are two holidays super close to our mothers birthdays, also including the fact that they passed so close to all these special days. I just hope l can somehow find some comfort and peace within myself some time soon. I know the pain will never fully go away but I wish I would get a little easier, especially for my dad and my sister who is mentally challenged. It's been super hard on them and that's why I think I have been so strong for so long. But I know that I need to also give myself time to grieve and show emotion because holding all this in is doing no good. I so bad want to grab her keepsake with her ashes and cry myself to sleep with it as strange as it sounds, but I'm still afraid of my emotions. I think it also doesn't help that I'm still in the angry stage. It's like I'm just pissed off at her for leaving us all behind. I know it may sound selfish, but she chose to end her life so soon and I'm completely pissed off about it. I guess it's just an extra emotion of a suicide survivor.


Quoting mom2twins9909:

Hugs mama. My mom will be dead 12 years Dec 20. I know how you feel and I hate this time of year. Her birthday is the 24th of this year. *Hugs* I am here if you need to talk.

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XoXo.Nikki.XoXo
by Ruby Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 10:36 PM
Yeah it's been crazy. So much all at once. She passed away Monday, my dad couldn't handle anything so I did a lot of things for him, then Sunday was her service, then the following day the hurricane hit and I was stuck with no power and a small apt full of grieving people for days, then Wednesday went back to work and had tons of shit to do, then that following Monday I started my new position so it's like maybe because I have had so much going on that I just havent had the time to let it all sink in. I don't know, but like I said before a huge part of me is afraid of my emotions for some strange reason... Idk how to deal with this all :(


Quoting Courtney610:

I've been wondering how you are doing. I hate all of this for you. You're a strong woman, though. I hope your doctor can help.



Big hugs.

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PeaceMuch
by Kali on Nov. 15, 2012 at 10:43 PM
I unfortunately know how you feel. Its very hard at first. Looking back I only remember small details the first year after she passed I was in such a fog. Take time for yourself its so important. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Big hugs. I can't say it gets easier you just find ways to cope.
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XoXo.Nikki.XoXo
by Ruby Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 10:56 PM
I hate that you know how it feels, but I'm glad that I'm not going through abnormal feelings. I guess I'm just looking to see if it's normal. I know everyone grieves and copes in different ways at different times, but having little to no emotion is starting to scare me.


Quoting PeaceMuch:

I unfortunately know how you feel. Its very hard at first. Looking back I only remember small details the first year after she passed I was in such a fog. Take time for yourself its so important. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Big hugs. I can't say it gets easier you just find ways to cope.

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PeaceMuch
by Kali on Nov. 15, 2012 at 10:57 PM
It is normal. There was a time I was like that too.

Quoting XoXo.Nikki.XoXo:

I hate that you know how it feels, but I'm glad that I'm not going through abnormal feelings. I guess I'm just looking to see if it's normal. I know everyone grieves and copes in different ways at different times, but having little to no emotion is starting to scare me.




Quoting PeaceMuch:

I unfortunately know how you feel. Its very hard at first. Looking back I only remember small details the first year after she passed I was in such a fog. Take time for yourself its so important. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Big hugs. I can't say it gets easier you just find ways to cope.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
XoXo.Nikki.XoXo
by Ruby Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 11:11 PM
How long did it last for you? Did you eventually break down?


Quoting PeaceMuch:

It is normal. There was a time I was like that too.



Quoting XoXo.Nikki.XoXo:

I hate that you know how it feels, but I'm glad that I'm not going through abnormal feelings. I guess I'm just looking to see if it's normal. I know everyone grieves and copes in different ways at different times, but having little to no emotion is starting to scare me.






Quoting PeaceMuch:

I unfortunately know how you feel. Its very hard at first. Looking back I only remember small details the first year after she passed I was in such a fog. Take time for yourself its so important. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Big hugs. I can't say it gets easier you just find ways to cope.


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RockstarsMoM08
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 11:19 PM
1 mom liked this
Ill talk to dh but maybe, just maybe we can plan an early ski trip tp PA in which case ill spend a day w you. I know you haven't met me but I pro ise im a good listener and id love to give you a huge hug! Call me or text me whenever. Xoxo!
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PeaceMuch
by Kali on Nov. 15, 2012 at 11:21 PM
Well after she first passed I cried and cried for two weeks. Then I pretended I as a little better..maybe 6 months and I had a major breakdown it was fucking horrible :(

Quoting XoXo.Nikki.XoXo:

How long did it last for you? Did you eventually break down?




Quoting PeaceMuch:

It is normal. There was a time I was like that too.





Quoting XoXo.Nikki.XoXo:

I hate that you know how it feels, but I'm glad that I'm not going through abnormal feelings. I guess I'm just looking to see if it's normal. I know everyone grieves and copes in different ways at different times, but having little to no emotion is starting to scare me.








Quoting PeaceMuch:

I unfortunately know how you feel. Its very hard at first. Looking back I only remember small details the first year after she passed I was in such a fog. Take time for yourself its so important. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Big hugs. I can't say it gets easier you just find ways to cope.


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