My mothers death that is. I just can't grasp it. I know she is gone but part of me doesn't want to believe it is true. She committed suicide October 22nd. I kind of had to take the roll of being the family rock because everyone around me was falling apart. It didnt help that as soon as I went back to work I started my new position and have been so busy between that and just life in general. I haven't really had a serious meltdown yet. It's like I'm disconnecting my emotions, like I'm afraid of them. That if I show emotions around certain people it may affect them negatively. I'm starting to feel depressed. I haven't been depressed in a very long time and it's scaring me. I know I need counseling but I don't have the money for it right now. There are support groups but they are at night and I have no one to watch the boys because so works night shift. I finally got my keepsake with her ashes today and it kinda made it feel a little more real, but it's like I'm still numb and disconnected. I have witnessed so much. Two prior overdosed, I had found her. And then this last time she went missing for two days and was found alive but barely. I sat there in the icu the entire time. I witnessed them try and resuscitate. I stayed in the room with her body for a while and had to say goodbye to a cold dead lifeless body, a woman that didn't look like my beautiful mother. I keep having flash backs. All day and night. Hotels scare me now because that's where she was found, and unfortunately I have to review the hotel at work several times a week because they are our account and I have to keep track of their purchases. It stops me dead in my tracks every time. I don't know how to cope, or where to start with my grieving process. I hate this feeling and im so angry that she left us like this so damn young. She was only 50. Her birthday is December 10 abs between that and the holidays it's going to be tough. I don't think what I'm going through is normal but then again maybe other people have felt like this. Ugh. I know there isn't anything anyone on here that can really do anything, I guess I'm just venting and saying things I can't normally say. I know I need professional help in dealing with this. I think tomorrow I will call my doctor and see if they can waive the copayment just once so that I can talk to someone. Ok... I'm done. Sorry it's so long and all over the place...that's kinda how my mind has been lately. All over the place.
on Nov. 15, 2012 at 9:17 PM