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Is Marriage Becoming a Past Time?

Posted by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 6:05 AM
  • 69 Replies


Quote:

55% of different-sex cohabiters do marry within five years of moving in together. 40% break up within that same time period. About 10% remain in an unmarried relationship for five years or more. - Smock, Pamela. 2000. "Cohabitation in the United States." Annual Review of Sociology.

I am 21 years old, first time mother to a 3-month-old, and have been living with my partner for about two years now. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked fantasized about the idea of marriage, but as time went by...I stopped bringing it up because it seemed like he was uncomfortable to the idea of such a big and oftentimes, expensive commitment. He is my first and only and not long after, I became pregnant, he got scared, we broke up because of it, and then he got over himself and supported me through the last six months of my pregnancy and is still here! (I'm not saying that's impressive, but this is all I know haha) I bought him a custom-designed ring from a budding designer with our birth stone(the pearl) that he has worn everyday for almost a year.

Out of all of my friends that are in their twenties, I have two who are married to each other and they haven't had children yet. The rest live with their SOs or are single moms living with family. Some of the cohabiting already have children, some are planning on having one in the near future, and the rest aren't even thinking about it.

Nobody talks about marriage. I don't know how I feel about it, because...the security of having a husband is almost the same as having a SO that you fully trust, but without a big bill to divorce, if it ever came to that. Marriage doesn't stop cheating, so that security isn't there.
Cohabiting is almost like marriage, but without the legality, right?
And maybe it's just me, with my insecurity...but it seems like it'd be really scary to have children with different people and still try to make your relations all work and the kids feel deeply connected with both parents even when they may have separate lives. I don't know...tell me your story.

I love him with all my heart and we love our daughter even more. My family has blacklisted us because we're not married. His family is cringing behind the sidelines, hoping things don't get nasty and I go after him for child support. But, is it really a big deal? Marriage or cohabitation? Please share.

I think almost every girl dreams of having a wedding and being a Mrs. Somebody Else, hehe, but....I don't think it's ever going to happen and I kind of just want somebody to tell me that that's okay. XD
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 6:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Simple-Beauty
by Gold Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:20 AM
3 moms liked this

I've tried to type out why marriage is important to me a few times, and I can't seem to get my thoughts together.


It just is.


It was a completely organic process for us, even though we had only known each other for 7 1/2 months when we said our vows. It was the ultimate declaration of our love, we weren't thinking about legalities or any other aspect of marriage at the time, but I'm certainly thankful for those privileges and protections, now that we have children. It was our way of telling the world "Hey, this is us, Shawn and Shannon B, we're in this for the long haul." Not that it mattered at 20 years old, no one took us seriously, and a few family members made bets on how long our marriage would last.


Now that we're a year and a handful of months away from our 10th wedding anniversary, people see that we were and are very serious about our marriage. I think the most important thing for me, though, is the example we're setting for our children, of what a happy and healthy marriage should be. We're teaching them how to love and be loved, how to respect and be respected, howto work though conflict, and how to nurture a marriage, knowing that it will only ever be as healthy as the "food" you feed it.


Ultimately, they're going to see us live the vows we took, and I hope our marriage will be the one they model their own after, one day.


I dont know if that helped you in your situation, you have to do what you feel is right for you and your family.

cowgirlsmommy
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:25 AM
3 moms liked this
When people mention it being easier and cheaper to leave when your not married, it implies they don't think they'll make it. IMO marriage is very important and if you're going to be with someone for a long time, have kids, live together, etc it's time to tie the knot.
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GirlWSemiAuto
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:46 AM
1 mom liked this

 IMO, having children with someone is a lot more permanent and expensive than marriage. In general, I think it's ridiculous to have children with someone you (general you, not you specifically) wouldn't marry.

 Try not to worry about what other people think or the paths other people take. Just worry about you, your child, and what you want for your lives. If marriage means something to you then I don't see why you wouldn't still hold onto that dream. If he loves you enough then your dreams will matter to him.

mom2theA-team
by Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:01 AM

My husband and I WERE legally married, we did the entire church thing with legal state license... and the state of MI did not process our license properly so three months later we were told we had to redo our license to make it legit. We said screw it because we had already made the committment before God. We've been talking about doing our dream wedding (we were married in an LDS temple) and going to Rocky but we are not sure if we will "renew our vows" or get married with a license. I honestly can't think of a good reason to get married, legally at this point.

A few things I should probably add, my husband and I had a courtship- we did not date. 

Neither of us so much believed in getting married as a legal thing because we believe the government should be completely seperate from ones personal lives. 

Pretty much at this point we are both agnostic so the Christian values we were raised with and came into our marriage dissolved as we evolved into the people we are today.

craftymomo2g
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:06 AM
2 moms liked this

I love being married. I couldn't imagine my hubby just being my significant other after all that we have created together. I always said that I had to be married before I had a child. Marriage is so much more than legality. When you love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And what better way than to seal the deal.

I think marriage now and days is not that big of a deal because so many women settle not to marry, cohabitat but yet have children with this person.

As Beyonce says: "If you like it, then you better put a ring on it"

(Otherwise I am not cooking, cleaning, bearing children for some guy that don't want to make me and our future children his family legally. That is wife duty! Girlfriend duty is going out to eat, seeing you when I can, having other committments, and enjoying being single but being excited about being in a relationship.)


AdoptingMommy
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:13 AM
1 mom liked this
Dont worry what others think
..

Our story I was divorced at 18(married at 15 no kids) Moved to Cali from Ga, Came home to visit met my now Dh taking my cousin lunch. My DH was his boss. He begged for my number and eventually my cousin gave me his, I called to ask what he needed. That was Jan 15 we were married 5 wks later! Yes 5 wks on Feb 23, That was almost 6 yrs ago! Then after 3 1/2 yrs we adopted our dd, Who is aa(we are cauc) so ppl had more to say, Now she is the light of everyones eye:) So happy endings are in your hands!

Cant please everyone so please yourself
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mom2theA-team
by Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:24 AM
1 mom liked this

Meh, my husband would be more likely to marry than I would for a tax break... I honestly don't see a point. It's not the license which makes the relationship, it's the two people making the commitment so ring or no ring, paper or no paper it will either work or fail based on you and your spouse. 

Quoting craftymomo2g:

I love being married. I couldn't imagine my hubby just being my significant other after all that we have created together. I always said that I had to be married before I had a child. Marriage is so much more than legality. We you love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And what better way than to seal the deal.

I think marriage now and days is not that big of a deal because so many women settle not to marry, cohabitat but yet have children with this person.

As Beyonce says: "If you like it, then you better put a ring on it"

(Otherwise I am not cooking, cleaning, bearing children for some guy that don't want to make me and our future children his family legally. That is wife duty! Girlfriend duty is going out to eat, seeing you when I can, having other committments, and enjoying being single but being excited about being in a relationship.)



OhSnapMom
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:24 AM
1 mom liked this

I've been sitting here trying to think of how to explain why marriage was/is important, at least to us. Well, some back story first - we did things a little backwards. We fell in love young, moved in together and had children before we got married. We debated for a while about going to the courthouse, but finally decided that we would have a wedding we both would love, surrounded by family and friends when the time was right. We got married last year after being together for 9.5 years & we just had our one year anniversary in October.

Marriage was important to us, because it cemented our commitment to each other. And he wanted to make sure that if something ever happens to him, I will be taken care of.

Then again, we have a couple who we are very good friends with - they've been together for about 9 years & they have 4 children together and have no plans on getting married. It's just not an issue for them.

Courtney610
by Courtney on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:26 AM
1 mom liked this

Marriage means different things to different people.

For us, marriage is important.  We were married at 19 and have now been married for 9 years.  Marriage is about a bond, family.  I love that the 5 of us all have the same last name.  I couldn't imagine not being married to my husband.  It's not about the legalities of being married at all.

Ignore what others have to say.  Do what is best for your family. I think marriage is a beautiful thing.  No one else's relationship should matter when it comes to yours.

GirlWSemiAuto
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:27 AM

 There's something to be said for being willing to make a declaration of commitment in front of friends and family. I'm not saying it's about the paperwork or even the ring, but being willing to declare the intention of staying with your partner forever is a big deal.

Quoting mom2theA-team:

Meh, my husband would be more likely to marry than I would for a tax break... I honestly don't see a point. It's not the license which makes the relationship, it's the two people making the commitment so ring or no ring, paper or no paper it will either work or fail based on you and your spouse. 

Quoting craftymomo2g:

I love being married. I couldn't imagine my hubby just being my significant other after all that we have created together. I always said that I had to be married before I had a child. Marriage is so much more than legality. We you love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them. And what better way than to seal the deal.

I think marriage now and days is not that big of a deal because so many women settle not to marry, cohabitat but yet have children with this person.

As Beyonce says: "If you like it, then you better put a ring on it"

(Otherwise I am not cooking, cleaning, bearing children for some guy that don't want to make me and our future children his family legally. That is wife duty! Girlfriend duty is going out to eat, seeing you when I can, having other committments, and enjoying being single but being excited about being in a relationship.)

 

 

 

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