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SO Irritated at my Mom... VERY LENGTHY

Posted by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:21 AM
  • 12 Replies

So my mom went with me to my doc appointment last week. And the entire time, she talked about her health, her problems, her life etc. The doc knew about my mom's ENTIRE medical history before she knew about mine! I told mom to hush, that it was MY appointment, and she got upset and started crying and telling me I was a bad daughter. Yeah-not happy about that.

This weekend I went to go see her and hang out with her for a while. She started talking about the delivery and how she was going to be there holding my hand the entire time and she wants to be the first one to see the baby. Oh and be right there beside me the entire time I am in labor because she has been through it all 3 different times. I told her no to the labor because she will turn everything into being about her and that she will only make matters worse, and I told her that I only wanted hubby in the room during the delivery and that we (as our child's parents) have the right to see him/her first. And she threw a fit about how I am so unsupportive of her wanting to be a grandmother and that my live revolves around my hubby now, and how I am forgetting that not only am I a wife, but I am a daughter as well.

This is so irritating to me right now. She is turning EVERYTHING to be about her. Dont get me wrong, I love my mom. And call me selfish if you want, but with me being preggo, my live SHOULD revolve around the baby, hubby, and myself- my family. The only help she has been has been to tell me of what could go wrong and how her pregnancies where. About how she couldnt breasfeed because of bleeding nipples etc. and how I wouldnt be able to do anything like that. I love how she tells me ALL the time that I will have problems with my pregnancy and be high risk because everyone woman in my family has been high risk (which I am NOT by the way. Doc says everything is looking good and that I really dont need any genetic testing because of my heritage, background, and hubby's). I think she enjoys scaring me because then everything will be about her.

She is even throwing a fit because I told her the baby would not come and visit till she gets her house cleaned and she stops smoking in the house so much. She doesnt keep a very clean house (to say the least) and because of her 'allergy' to everything, the windows are boarded up and covered- so no fresh air or sunlight. That isnt healthy for a child, especially a newborn.

She also wants to come and stay with us for a few weeks after the baby is born- to care for the baby while i cook and clean because she cant do it herself. Hello? That is suppossed to be MY time to bond with MY child. If she was coming to help with everything, I probably woundnt mind.

I guess all this stems from not having a good relationship with her when I was a child (she enjoyed her boyfriends too much to take care of 3 kids, so we were raised by my grandmother) so now I rather have my grandmother with me through all this. Hubby and I were even talking about letting my grandmother be the first one to hold our LO, and my mom DID NOT appreciate that.

What am I to do? I am nervous about being a mom for the first time already, but now I have to deal with this. I am almost at my wit's end with the whole situation. I dont want to hurt my mom, but this is suppossed to be MY time, not hers. Sorry just needed to vent to someone (anyone!) and neither hubby or MIL is here!


by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:21 AM
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by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:55 AM

wow! its scary how many similarities we have...haha my mom makes EVERYTHING about her...she tries to exclude my fiancee like shes the dad and not him...she tries to name my kid after her and when i come up with a new name she wants to change the spelling. like wtf? im like mom you had 3 girls, this is MY little girl, not yours. you had your chance. granted i can talk to her at times, id rather not because she does that same negative attitude your mom does. she tries to say "oh but thats not how it is" etc. she think she knows everything. it funny because she claims my grandmother does the same thing to her...but my grandma and i are very close, shes also really close with my fiance. my grandma even told him that she knows my mom might be jealous of us because she was a single mother and I have my man right by my side every step of the way. its just sad. I understand completely hun! here anytime you need to talk!!

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 11:04 AM

LOL Sounds like my MIL.  Cannot stand her but she was bound and determined to be there through everything.  I let her be there through the labor but not delivery.  Longest 12 hours of my life (and not because of the constant pain...)

Ny suggestion is to not argue about it now.  When the time comes the nurses can kick her out!

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 2:30 PM

Good on ya!  Stand your ground!

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 2:51 PM

Yeah stand firm. Let the nurses be the bad guys at the hospital and kick her out. Just dont bring up the subject with her.

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 3:13 PM

Now is the time to put your foot down with your mom- before your LO gets here. It sounds like your mom has a few personal issues she needs to work through before she gets to have a more prominant role in your and your child's life.

You are not being unreasonable in not wanting her in there for labor and delivery- that is a time when the focus is rightly supposed to be on you. If your mom were to try to keep the focus on herself, as she did at your dr appointment, there's a decent chance the hospital staff would have her removed from the room and that would likely result in a whole lot of angry drama.

Heck with smoking less in her home, she should have to stop smoking in her home period before letting your LO stay over there. DH and I are smokers, and company has no idea because we smoke outside only.  There is no excuse for smoking inside the home when children will be living there or visiting regularly. It presents very real, potentially serious health risks, especially for newborns and infants.

If you'd rather not have your mother stay at your house after your LO is born, make sure your husband knows this too and do not let her stay with you. Like you said, it is your time to spend bonding with your little one and, based on all of the issues and the lack of a close relationship between you and your mom, her staying at your home will put a lot of unnecessary and avoidable stress on you during a time that you'll be needing as much rest and relaxation as you can get. And kudos for recognizing that your relationship with your husband and child take presedence over your relationship with your mother once you're expecting- that's the way it's supposed to be.

Having your grandmother there will likely drastically worsen any hard feelings your mother will be harboring, and make it harder to reconsile will your mom after. You'll have to prioritize and decide whether it's more important to you to have your grandmother there, or giving your mom something else to overreact about and make about her.

My mom also wanted to be in the room when our children were born, but DH and I wanted just us and the dr & nurse. I told her (and some of my good-intentioned but overbearing friends), "If you weren't in the room when we put the baby in, you're not going to be in the room when we get the baby out." 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find solutions that work for your family!

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 3:16 PM

I think you are 100% right with all of your feelings on this, and I hope you are able to tell your mom to BACK THE FUCK OFF. This is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR baby, YOUR family, and you and YOUR husband need to enjoy this time! You only get the first baby once, don't let anyone ruin this amazing time in your life. And no, I wouldn't let her come stay with you, you don't need that sort of discord around the baby.

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by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 3:45 PM

Are you my long lost sister or something? You just described my mother minus the smoking. 

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 3:57 PM

She'll clean up her act if she wants to see you and the baby.  Put out an ultimatum and don't back down.   She sounds like a master manipulator!  This time is about you and your baby and you have a right for it to be a sane, positive experience! You can do it!!

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 4:13 PM
I would tell the nurse you don't want anyone but your husband with you and they will enforce it. About the the holding the baby first, I would just not make it a big deal. You and your husband should be able to hold the baby before they even let visitors in and just let whoever asks first hold the baby next. Don't treat it like a huge honor and you won't have hurt feelings. Just make sure everyone gets a turn. I would say no to the staying with you. Tell her you want this time to bond as new parents.

My mom sounds a lot like yours. I didn't let anyone in the delivery room because I didn't want her to make it about herself but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I was relieved they couldn't make it to my youngests birth and I was able to let my mil watch.
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by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:37 PM

omg, do we have the same mother?! my psycho mom is the same way, she drives me crazy! I wish I could give you advice, but I am trying to figure all this out myself.

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