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He wants to fix everything and I don't know how.

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 11:04 AM
  • 26 Replies


My husband and I have been together for 10 months, married for 2.5 weeks. I recently found out that back in July, right after we found out we were pregnant, he had signed up for and subsequently deleted his account on a "free live sex chat" website. I've confronted him about it, devastated and hurt because while I generally don't have a problem with porn, I have a big problem with him suddenly deciding that he needed anonymous live models more than he needed me. DH insists that it means nothing, that he was just horny that night while I was away at work and he got carried away. He says that he never even used the site and deactivated it within a few minutes of signing up because he realized it was a waste of time.

We've been through this a hundred times. I can't get the image of this website out of my head, and I can't get past the fact that he wanted strangers more than me. Not to mention the behind my back part of it, when I have always been up front with him and told him flat-out that I watch porn and masturbate because I miss him, and our sex life is seriously lacking since pregnancy.

Last night, he came to me in actual tears after apparently seeing something I wrote in my journal about all of it, and he begged me to tell him how he could fix everything. The problem is, I don't know. I love him more than anything in the world, and I'm desperate for him to want me again. I don't know how to get past the idea that he needed something more than me, right after finding out I was pregnant, no less (how's THAT for a shot to the already hormonal ego?) and then hasn't really wanted me for months. Still doesn't. I don't know what to tell him because I don't know how to get over it and forgive an "indescretion" that clearly pointed to him wanting a different woman.

It just makes it twenty times harder that he's obviously remorseful and wants to fix it. I feel like we need counseling.

I know it's going to be easy to judge me here, but please try to be serious... have you ever dealt with this? How do you move past your husband wanting another person, whether he actually cheated or just looked for porn stars? I just have been cheated on and betrayed so many times in the past that even with the world's most perfect, loving, affectionate, supportive man, I STILL have trust issues.

I don't want to care about this stupid porn site anymore. I don't want to hurt *him* anymore, and I don't want to waste any more of our time together distrusting him mostly because of a painful personal history. Any serious advice or sharing of similar personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 11:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MayFlowerMomma
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 11:19 AM

Look into counseling then. Good Luck!

LilMamaK
by Kaht on Dec. 17, 2012 at 11:26 AM

 Counseling helps A LOT! I've been through this and it nearly caused a divorce. DH and I did months of counseling and in the end he had to EARN my trust back. We had to restart our relationship all over again because it was something I couldn't just "pretend" never happened. Porn is a HUGE no-no for me and I view it the same as cheating. It killed me when I saw what he was doing... and it made me feel like CRAP! I also there therapy by my self to get through it. GL hun! And remember, YOU did nothing wrong and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of or feel guilty about!

*~*Wifey To Tommy(2.4.11), Mommy to Allyana(7.5.08), StepMom to Aidan(6.5.07), & Our Angel Baby Jovanny(3.6.10)*~*

truetigress
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 11:40 AM
3 moms liked this

 Hon...please please don't take this wrong okay? I am not trying to bash only to share with you something that may be causing you to feel as you do.

Have you yourself ever had a problem with self esteem...body image? If you have then it really shows itself when you become pregnant. You want your husband to look at you and only you and let you know how truly pretty you are even as your body goes through changes.

When your husband is there for you it helps you to keep that self esteem up. If he's not you can easily feel hurt and dejected. Especially if it's porn involved.

When I met my husband he loved his porn. That didn't detract from his feelings for me. Only allowed him to acheive orgasm so he could function. Guys have so many reasons they need to ejaculate. For my husband it was stress from work. Having a baby is also stressful, but it doesn't detract from the joy a new baby brings either.

If he's like many men, or like my man, he realized with the birth of a baby suddenly it was no longer him against what the world would bring. It was me and him and then a baby. He felt an overwhelming need to protect.

One of the ways that protective need shows itself is that....there is a baby in that body now and I don't want to do anything to jeapordize it. Assure him that sex will not harm that baby in anyway.  That baby won't see him enter it's home. Trust me on this , my husband needed to be reassured by my doctor that it was okay.

He's also apologized and dropped the site. He's done that for you because he knows how it upset you. He WANTS to make ammends with you. Not like other guys who could give two craps what you want. He wants you to be happy. You need to forgive him. What he's done is not cheat on you. He's tried to find a way to release stress and not hurt you or the baby in the process.

Trust is a HARD thing to grow in a relationship. In a marriage it means ten times more because he's given his life to you as you have given yours to his. It's hard to build trust, but you must. Remember your vows...if you both take them seriously you must trust in them.

Don't wait for the axe to fall (due to your past heartbreaks), this guy who asked you to be his wife is there for you. He's new to what you need....but he wants to please you.

I had a hard time trusting too hon. My dating past really sucked. I got hurt many many times. Some times leaving me wondering if I was destined to be happy. Then this wonderful man came into my life. He loved to watch his porn...it was how he learned the ways to make love to his past girlfriends and me. Do I feel intimidated by it? No. It's a dream to believe he's with any one of these women. He's with me. We signed papers, we stood at an altar and pledged our faithfulness to each other. For better or worse we vowed to work on our marriage.

You need to let his past transgressions go. You need to let go of the fear of putting your trust in this man.

Remember a marriage, especially as early as yours....is a "work in progress". There are so many more things to learn about your husband than you ever thought. I am going on ten years with mine. It's all a learning process and I still learn new things about him. Things I didn't know before. All good things...

Best wishes hon....*hugs*

 

becca2113
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 12:38 PM

i have a question i am not trying to bash you but how is what he did any different then you watching porn and him not being there. it doesnt sound like he wants someone different then you. sounds like he wanted to get off and was trying to and then realized before he ever did so that it would hurt you. i personaly dont mind porn. i think in some cases it spices up a relationship. i dont watch it but i dont mind if my fiance does.

TexasWife
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 1:15 PM

No offense but I was thinking the same thing. The only thing I can think of is you feel betrayed because he did it behind your back.

Quoting becca2113:

i have a question i am not trying to bash you but how is what he did any different then you watching porn and him not being there. it doesnt sound like he wants someone different then you. sounds like he wanted to get off and was trying to and then realized before he ever did so that it would hurt you. i personaly dont mind porn. i think in some cases it spices up a relationship. i dont watch it but i dont mind if my fiance does.


Twincubator1130
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 1:26 PM

It's funny you say that, I thought about that actually. And I even asked him if it bothered him, to which he said no, it was hot. The difference to me though, is that I felt the need to masturbate/watch porn because he never wanted to have sex with me. He felt the need to do it DESPITE the fact that I was throwing myself at him.

We've done the porn thing together during sex once, and I felt like I was the only one even watching it because he had his back to the TV the whole time, so that confused me. But I know he likes porn, at least to an extent, because in addition to the site, I found a bunch of old photos and videos on his computer. I don't have a problem with porn, I just have a problem with it replacing me.

Does that make sense? It wouldn't have been *as* big of a deal if we still had a sex life when it happened.

Quoting becca2113:

i have a question i am not trying to bash you but how is what he did any different then you watching porn and him not being there. it doesnt sound like he wants someone different then you. sounds like he wanted to get off and was trying to and then realized before he ever did so that it would hurt you. i personaly dont mind porn. i think in some cases it spices up a relationship. i dont watch it but i dont mind if my fiance does.


becca2113
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 1:30 PM

yeah that makes more since i understand where you are coming from now. have you asked him why he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore???

momof3jam
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 1:30 PM

Did he try to meet any of these women in person? Was this a way to "chat" wtih them, or just watch live?

DH and I have been together for almost 11 years, married for 10. We've been through all of that and more, but could never afford counseling. If you want any details or have questions, PM me  :)

Twincubator1130
by on Dec. 17, 2012 at 1:31 PM

I've struggled with weight and body image my whole life. In my more recent years (early 20s) I started to get more comfortable because I saw that there were plenty of adult men (re: not in high school anymore) that appreciated the hips and thighs and ass and all that. But it seems that pregnancy, indeed, has brought all of it to the surface again. Particularly because aside from hormones and my changing body overall, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I HAVE no body anymore... where I used to slap on a pencil skirt, heels and a waist-cinching belt and feel like a pinup model, I don't even have a waistline. So I do know, and you are 100% correct, that my own self-esteem issues do play a part in this. And they've only gotten worse as my twins have gotten bigger.

I want to let it go... you don't know how much I want that. I don't think he does either. I HATE that I think about it every single day. But a live chat/video site is so different to me than just run-of-the-mill porn. That's the biggest part I'm struggling with.

Quoting truetigress:

 Hon...please please don't take this wrong okay? I am not trying to bash only to share with you something that may be causing you to feel as you do.

Have you yourself ever had a problem with self esteem...body image? If you have then it really shows itself when you become pregnant. You want your husband to look at you and only you and let you know how truly pretty you are even as your body goes through changes.

When your husband is there for you it helps you to keep that self esteem up. If he's not you can easily feel hurt and dejected. Especially if it's porn involved.

When I met my husband he loved his porn. That didn't detract from his feelings for me. Only allowed him to acheive orgasm so he could function. Guys have so many reasons they need to ejaculate. For my husband it was stress from work. Having a baby is also stressful, but it doesn't detract from the joy a new baby brings either.

If he's like many men, or like my man, he realized with the birth of a baby suddenly it was no longer him against what the world would bring. It was me and him and then a baby. He felt an overwhelming need to protect.

One of the ways that protective need shows itself is that....there is a baby in that body now and I don't want to do anything to jeapordize it. Assure him that sex will not harm that baby in anyway.  That baby won't see him enter it's home. Trust me on this , my husband needed to be reassured by my doctor that it was okay.

He's also apologized and dropped the site. He's done that for you because he knows how it upset you. He WANTS to make ammends with you. Not like other guys who could give two craps what you want. He wants you to be happy. You need to forgive him. What he's done is not cheat on you. He's tried to find a way to release stress and not hurt you or the baby in the process.

Trust is a HARD thing to grow in a relationship. In a marriage it means ten times more because he's given his life to you as you have given yours to his. It's hard to build trust, but you must. Remember your vows...if you both take them seriously you must trust in them.

Don't wait for the axe to fall (due to your past heartbreaks), this guy who asked you to be his wife is there for you. He's new to what you need....but he wants to please you.

I had a hard time trusting too hon. My dating past really sucked. I got hurt many many times. Some times leaving me wondering if I was destined to be happy. Then this wonderful man came into my life. He loved to watch his porn...it was how he learned the ways to make love to his past girlfriends and me. Do I feel intimidated by it? No. It's a dream to believe he's with any one of these women. He's with me. We signed papers, we stood at an altar and pledged our faithfulness to each other. For better or worse we vowed to work on our marriage.

You need to let his past transgressions go. You need to let go of the fear of putting your trust in this man.

Remember a marriage, especially as early as yours....is a "work in progress". There are so many more things to learn about your husband than you ever thought. I am going on ten years with mine. It's all a learning process and I still learn new things about him. Things I didn't know before. All good things...

Best wishes hon....*hugs*

 


cLanief
by Silver Member on Dec. 17, 2012 at 1:31 PM
I have dealt with it and honestly.. . If it was a one time thing it is semi easy to get past. All lines of communication have to be completely open and you just need to try and forget. Make him do some extra grueling chores to help put a laugh into it. It takes time. But if it happens again I'd run.... my x tried to pull that shit on me. Once ok... after that it escalated to actual people and pics being passed back and forth and on to actual cheating. Its possible to get past one little thing but a constant escalating thing it's not.
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