A year into our marriage, we were having issues. He said he didn't feel comfortable to keep up our sex life because we'd been trying to get pregnant for so long and it wasn't happening. I figured the stress of ttc was getting to him, so we stopped. The sex didn't come back.
Six months later, I lost a parent, and decided to move back home (across the country) to support my family. I had no job to come to, so my husband stayed behind to sell the house and keep working. I got us a house, vehicles, and a job, and six months later, he joined us. We talked, we fought, but we decided to try to work it out.
Three months after he got here, we started ttc again. We saw a fertility specialist who told us nothing was wrong with either of us. The following week, my grandmother died, and my nephew was diagnosed with cancer. To be supportive to my family, we stopped ttc. The following month, I got a positive pregnancy test.
We were in shock, but so happy that it finally happened. I thought now that he knew he wasn't sterile, his confidence would come back. It didn't. I found emails between him and girls on his Facebook. He was trying to get them to web cam with him. Several conversations indicated he'd done it while he stayed behind in our home, too.
I was heartbroken and I confronted him. He tucked his tail between his legs, cried, and begged for forgiveness. He said he'd go to sex therapy, and a lot of other promises were made. I thought he was genuinely sorry, so decided to put it on the back burner. I was pregnant! The messages were from before I was, so things would surely be ok now. He deleted his Facebook and I put restrictions on our internet.
Three weeks after I delivered our baby, he started locking his phone. I watched carefully to learn the code, and after he was asleep, I looked. He was doing it again, on craigslist. His excuse was that he was trying to find a girl for both of us. Whatever.there was another girl he was trying. She worked with him. So, take two. He deleted his email account, gave up the cell phone lock, and made lots of promises.
He gave me control of all of his accounts and I discovered dating sites and emails with his exes. He said he had a problem and needed help. I read the emails and every one of his exes ended their engagement because he couldn't stop trying to find other girls online.
At that point, I was willing to help. I found him a therapist, and offered my support. When he stopped going and stopped caring, I told him I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to move out. He cried and cried, and refused to leave. He threatened to kill himself, so he stayed.
Over the course of time, my nephew succumbed to his cancer, my sister got a divorce, and I went back to work. I needed support and my husband was there for me-like a friend would be. Our daughter is almost 11 months old, and we haven't had sex in eight months. I have begged and pleaded to the point of years to get some kind of relationship between us, but it's not working.
I tell him how badly I want this to work, but if neither of us is filling the others' needs, there's no point in us staying together. My heart hurts. He says he loves me, and wants to fix it, but nothing changes. His idea of initiating sex is to say "I'm hard" over and over again until he gives up. How can I have sex with someone like that? Someone who doesn't seem to care about me at all, or what I need, but wants himself serviced?
I sat down with him to discuss it today. He blames me because I don't want to screw him every time he tells me to. I feel like he hasn't done anything to fix the emotional damage he's caused me, and as bad as I want a sexual relationship, forcing myself to do it isn't an option.
Please give me some advice. Im at a loss here, and I don't know how to fix it. Im very concerned about this.