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young, single, pregnant & extremely scared......

Posted by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:25 AM
  • 10 Replies

Hey girls!

     I'm new at cafe mom and I will be a first time mom in about 2 months. I'm 25 years old and I have no clue as to what to do. I have two jobs and I take a course in the weekends. I'm dominican and the father of my child is Chinese. When we were dating his father saw me once and didnt approve because he doesnt like hispanics or blacks and I'm jewish apparently he doesnt like Jews. We continued to date although his father kept fighting with him about it. He ended up practically moving in with me. Everything was fine untill we found out we were pregnant. He ended up comfessing to me that I was the only one he was seeing in nyc but that he was talking to a girl that lived in Aruba which he had been in a long distance relationship with for about a year. He told me to get an abortion because his parents wont approve of me or the baby and that they will kick him out of the house and out of the family business and hes not ready to be a dad. I told him abortion is out of the question. He asked me to give the bay up for adoption, I said no. He got mad and said well if you dont do either I will have to leave you because I cant have this i my life right now. He was hesitant he didnt want to leave me, he would cry and beg me but I didn't give in. He ended up telling his "long distance relationship" that was seeing me and he got me pregnant. She ended up forgiving him but she told him she didnt want him to have anything to do with me or the baby and he said ok. I asked him if he was really going to choose a "long distance realtionship" that lives in another country over his own child who will live 20 mins away? no matter what I said he made up his mind that he will give his "long distance relationship" all that he had. He left me when I was 2 months pregnant. In the past 2 months I spoke to him once and it was brief because he didnt want his "long distance relationship" to find out that he was speaking to me. I rescently found out that he went to Aruba to be with her. He's been there for about a month, maybe a little over a month. I think hes back in nyc although he denied it the last time we spoke about 2 weeks ago. Hes terrified of his father whom is a tyrant and a racist and I'm sure that maybe 75% of the reason he left is because of his dad. His mother never met me but his father described me to her as a "black girl" and she freaked out. Mind you I'm type tan with black straight hair, if anything I look Indian. My baby's father told her I was hispanic not black and even if I was black it shouldn't matter. But it was a big deal for his family. All of the preassure made him leave and go for his "white" long distance relationship. They don't know I'm pregnant. Hes scared about me putting him on child support and he hasn't gotten himself a job yet. He comes from a well off family. His mother own a famous store in Downtown manhattan and I don't know what his dad does but they have money. He lives not too far from me. He says he doesn't want anything to do with the baby and that maybe in the future he knows that theres a possibility that he might wan to come back but for now this is how it has to be. I'm worried that I will put him on child support and he wont pay anything. #1: because I need the help. #2: because he can get in lots of trouble if he doesnt pay, and #3: because his parents will pretty much disown him. I'm scared of how to cope when the baby is born and he's not there. Will it be emotionally hard for me to deal with? I saw a 3D sonogram pic of my son and hes identical to his father. He will look purely asian. I will have to see his father face in his everyday. I'm scared that he will want to come back into our lives in the future because I know I'm emotionally scarred and I will have an insane amount of trust issues with him. I'm also scared that I might find someone else as time passes and he will want to come back to us and be a family, how can I chose between the father of my child and my significant other? Aside fom all of this, I'm terrified that he wont return at all. I come from a broken home and I don't want that for my son. I want my family under one roof. He was my first real boyfriend and I hate what hes doing to me but I can't bring myself to hate him. How can I hate him and love his son? With 2 jobs and classes in the weekends I keep myself busy, but what happens when I give birth and I'm in maternity leave? How can I fight off the depression when I'm alone? Somedays I believe I will be ok an dhe will return or I will find someone else, other days I think about him and my heart breaks a little bit more. I do love him ad he know I do. I hate myself for being so weak because I never felt this way about somebody before. I keep a notebook in which I write him a letter everyday to let him know what I went through everyday since the day he walke dout on us. It helps to vent all of my anger. I decided to do this for a few reasons. #1: It allows me to vent. #2: If he ever eturns I will give him thee letters and show him the hell that I had to go through. #3: There's a possibilty that I might die at childbirth from cardiac arrest so I wll leave him those letters behind. My life is a hot mess right now but my only motivation is my son. I know I will be a great mom, i just hope that he has a change of heart and proves to me that we are his priority. So far I have written over 2 months worth of letter, I hope it wasn't in vain. Anybody got any advice??

by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:25 AM
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Replies (1-10):
shadow_lark
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:40 AM
1 mom liked this
Um....
1) move on. He's a douche and you deserve someone who will stick by you no matter what.

2) file for cs, and custody. Who cares if he gets disowned. He helped create the child, he can damn well help pay for him. If his family disowns him that his problem, not yours. He us an adult, he doesn't need mommy and daddy to support him.

3) maternity leave...depends on where you work. Be upfront with your boss and start to get things arranged now. Save as much as possible so you can afford to take off an adequate amount of time. Do some research, you may be entitled to fmla, or other programs that would protect your job while on leave. Try online for school.

4) depression... it sucks. I've been there. Start doing things for you now and get in the habit of taking good care of yourself. Get exercise, eat healthy, take your prenatals, get outside daily. Try some networking in your area. Being in a big city there should be plenty of opportunity for you to meet other moms and moms to be your age close by that you can befriend and subsequently lean on when tines get hard, or to trade childcare with when you need a couple of hours to yourself. Your doctor may know of groups that meet, but other places to try are planned parenthood, the health department, library, or rec center/YMCA type place if you have one.

That's all I've got for now. Just ask if you have more questions though. I'm on here a lot lol
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munkychoi
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:22 AM

Oh no about child support I am going to put him on it regardless of what happens to him I'm just saying he doesnt have a job so idk how hes going to pay and I'm worried because I will need the help. I know that if at the end of the day I need to apply for wellfare for a while (which I don't want to do) I will do it for my son's sake.And yea I'm trying my best to move on. I haven't really comfronted my feelings yet because I've been suppressing it and I've been overworking myself to avoid any "thinking time". It just hurts you know, since he was my first and this is my first child and I'm doing everything onmy own and the hormones are crazy right now. And it hurts that hes with someone else.....but my child keeps me going. Thanks for the advice. My next docter appointment is on thursday, I will keep you posted :)

VictoriousTory
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 6:07 AM
1 mom liked this

Yea I agree with the above post. He's a douche and DON'T take him back even if he begs. If you want him to see his son, great! But don't get back with him, you deserve so much better. He has already shown he will run away when the going gets tough and the baby isn't even born yet, there will still be tougher moments to come. He's a grown man and it shouldn't matter what his family says about anything. He put himself in this situation and he SHOULD have been man enough to stand up to it and do the right thing, but he didn't. If he doesn't pay child support, he will get in major trouble. So make sure all of that is in order. 

You might have good days and bad days once the baby gets here... depression is sneaky, but just try to focus on the good things going on in your life and not make him a priority anymore...  hope you do find some friends and other moms to be your support! You shouldn't have to go thru everything by yourself. It sucks being your own support system, believe me I know that... If it were me I would write his parents a letter and explain that you understand that they don't like you because of your heritage but that you ARE carrying their grandson. They deserve to know that. My SO's step mom didn't find out she was a grandma until her son's baby's mom showed up at her door with the child when the child was like 8 months old and told her. Of course she was shocked, but she accepted the baby and still does whatever she can to help even though her son is nowhere in the picture. They might surprise you. And even if they still hate you and may want nothing to do with you, they do deserve to know they have a grandson. 

munkychoi
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 6:53 AM
1 mom liked this

Yea he isn't my priority right now and hes far from it. And believe me if he comes crying back to me it will take a miracle for me to take him back because I am scared about him running off again I don't want me or my son to go through that one more time. Also my family wont make it easy for him either. My step father is pissed off about what he did. After I give birth and heal and everything my mother is going to drive me to his mothers business so I can present myself to her and show her that I'm not this ghetto black girl that she thinks I am. I will show her that I am well educated and proffessional and a good person. I will tell her everything her son did and what he said about her and her husband not liking me and ofcourse I will show her her grandson. If she accepts me and the baby thats fine if not even better, less people I have to share him with. After I speak to his mother I can wholeheartedly say that I did everything I needed to do and I can rest easily at night.

Basherte
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 8:20 AM

I wouldn't concern yourself with the father of the baby right now. Take care of yourself.

I also wouldn't take the father of the baby back later. Especially if you are in a committed relationship when/if he decides to come back to you. 

If you find someone else, then that would mean that you are over him (or it should) and are in love with the new person. There shouldn't even be a question. You stay with the one you love. The one you are with. Don't get into a relationship with the emotions that you are only there until or unless the father of this child wants to come back to you. That isn't fair to anyone that you would get into a relationship with.

Why is that even a question. He left you and your son. Take care of yourself and your child. Forget him. Take him for child support. He and you should have thought about that before you got pregnant. He should have worn a condom if he didn't want a child. I would have left him as soon as I found out about the long distance relationship. Period.


wedding countdown

munkychoi
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 8:49 AM

I'm not thinking about getting into a relationship any time soon believe me, especially With the feelings that I still have for him. And I found out about the long distance relationship when I found out that I was pregnant, soon after that he left. Of course I'm taking care of myself and of course I will put him on child support. It's just I remember when my friend swent throug this I would scold them for still loving their babys father after they left and I would scold them for feeling sad but now that its happening to me I've realized it's not so easy. Especially when you have no friends, family or the babys father. I'm literally alone. And it's very difficult but somehow I'm keeping myself sane.

KawaiiLila
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:03 AM
1 mom liked this
Have him sign over his rights and move on you and you child will need loving stable people in your life. You can do it alone. There are programs out there. Good luck mama. Pm me if you ever want to just talk.
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KawaiiLila
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:05 AM
Look into WIC too.
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munkychoi
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:09 AM

Thanks Kawaii Lila^^ I definately will IM you for sure god knows I need SOMEBODY to talk to. All of my "friends" are gone now that I'm pregnant. My family is not really as involved because I'm not their responsibility which I completely understand. I've lived on my own since I was 19 and they are excited about the baby but they want me to do stuff on my own. I do know they are planning a secret baby shower which is going to help me a lot.

gardensparrow
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:12 PM

Oh friend,

My heart was breaking for you as I read your post. I'm so sorry your boyfriend (and his family) seem so unsupportive of you and the baby. I can't imagine how difficult this must be to deal with. But, that's really great that you're sticking to your convictions about keeping the baby and not letting him pressure you into a decision. That's definitely something I think you would've regretted later on. But, I know that still leaves you on your own at this point to raise the baby.  So, I wanted to suggest that you reach out for some support from a Crisis Pregnancy Center. They have a lot of free assistance available and can often connect you with other moms who know what you're going through (you can find one by calling OptionLine-1/800-712-HELP).  Maybe getting in touch with a counselor would also be helpful? I know you mentioned some feelings of depression, etc, so I think it never hurts to get some help from a professional as you prepare to be a mom. Well, know that someone out there is praying for you. ((Hugs))!

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