I'm new at cafe mom and I will be a first time mom in about 2 months. I'm 25 years old and I have no clue as to what to do. I have two jobs and I take a course in the weekends. I'm dominican and the father of my child is Chinese. When we were dating his father saw me once and didnt approve because he doesnt like hispanics or blacks and I'm jewish apparently he doesnt like Jews. We continued to date although his father kept fighting with him about it. He ended up practically moving in with me. Everything was fine untill we found out we were pregnant. He ended up comfessing to me that I was the only one he was seeing in nyc but that he was talking to a girl that lived in Aruba which he had been in a long distance relationship with for about a year. He told me to get an abortion because his parents wont approve of me or the baby and that they will kick him out of the house and out of the family business and hes not ready to be a dad. I told him abortion is out of the question. He asked me to give the bay up for adoption, I said no. He got mad and said well if you dont do either I will have to leave you because I cant have this i my life right now. He was hesitant he didnt want to leave me, he would cry and beg me but I didn't give in. He ended up telling his "long distance relationship" that was seeing me and he got me pregnant. She ended up forgiving him but she told him she didnt want him to have anything to do with me or the baby and he said ok. I asked him if he was really going to choose a "long distance realtionship" that lives in another country over his own child who will live 20 mins away? no matter what I said he made up his mind that he will give his "long distance relationship" all that he had. He left me when I was 2 months pregnant. In the past 2 months I spoke to him once and it was brief because he didnt want his "long distance relationship" to find out that he was speaking to me. I rescently found out that he went to Aruba to be with her. He's been there for about a month, maybe a little over a month. I think hes back in nyc although he denied it the last time we spoke about 2 weeks ago. Hes terrified of his father whom is a tyrant and a racist and I'm sure that maybe 75% of the reason he left is because of his dad. His mother never met me but his father described me to her as a "black girl" and she freaked out. Mind you I'm type tan with black straight hair, if anything I look Indian. My baby's father told her I was hispanic not black and even if I was black it shouldn't matter. But it was a big deal for his family. All of the preassure made him leave and go for his "white" long distance relationship. They don't know I'm pregnant. Hes scared about me putting him on child support and he hasn't gotten himself a job yet. He comes from a well off family. His mother own a famous store in Downtown manhattan and I don't know what his dad does but they have money. He lives not too far from me. He says he doesn't want anything to do with the baby and that maybe in the future he knows that theres a possibility that he might wan to come back but for now this is how it has to be. I'm worried that I will put him on child support and he wont pay anything. #1: because I need the help. #2: because he can get in lots of trouble if he doesnt pay, and #3: because his parents will pretty much disown him. I'm scared of how to cope when the baby is born and he's not there. Will it be emotionally hard for me to deal with? I saw a 3D sonogram pic of my son and hes identical to his father. He will look purely asian. I will have to see his father face in his everyday. I'm scared that he will want to come back into our lives in the future because I know I'm emotionally scarred and I will have an insane amount of trust issues with him. I'm also scared that I might find someone else as time passes and he will want to come back to us and be a family, how can I chose between the father of my child and my significant other? Aside fom all of this, I'm terrified that he wont return at all. I come from a broken home and I don't want that for my son. I want my family under one roof. He was my first real boyfriend and I hate what hes doing to me but I can't bring myself to hate him. How can I hate him and love his son? With 2 jobs and classes in the weekends I keep myself busy, but what happens when I give birth and I'm in maternity leave? How can I fight off the depression when I'm alone? Somedays I believe I will be ok an dhe will return or I will find someone else, other days I think about him and my heart breaks a little bit more. I do love him ad he know I do. I hate myself for being so weak because I never felt this way about somebody before. I keep a notebook in which I write him a letter everyday to let him know what I went through everyday since the day he walke dout on us. It helps to vent all of my anger. I decided to do this for a few reasons. #1: It allows me to vent. #2: If he ever eturns I will give him thee letters and show him the hell that I had to go through. #3: There's a possibilty that I might die at childbirth from cardiac arrest so I wll leave him those letters behind. My life is a hot mess right now but my only motivation is my son. I know I will be a great mom, i just hope that he has a change of heart and proves to me that we are his priority. So far I have written over 2 months worth of letter, I hope it wasn't in vain. Anybody got any advice??