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Need advice

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:58 AM
  • 20 Replies
Well bare with me as this is gonna be long and I need advice on what to do.

Well I've been married to a marine for going on two years this upcoming August, we've been together for three years and have a beautiful 8 month old baby girl. Well all our problems fighting all the time started when we first dated and he went away for training before his upcoming first deployment. Well I went and saw my ex at the time that he was gone, and I felt really guilty and told him about it and what happened. Well he somewhat forgave me and then a few months later I went and saw my ex again and cheated on him. All in all I saw my ex four to five times only cheated on my husband with my ex twice. And we've been trying to work past all this for a while now since its first started. I suggested in the beginning to see a counselor and his response was they cost money and they don't give good advice. Now he's twisted it on me and says the reason why I don't want to go see a counselor is cuz I don't want to vent out the whole story and tell them everything. Anywho he's also said that if I'm ok with him doing the same things that I did towards him with cheating and talking to guys online, he thinks that he can turn the tables and cheat on me and talk to girls online for as long as I did it and he believes that'll make our marriage work and then well be on the same page. But I'm trying to move past all the problems and start anew not go backwards two steps. Honestly I think he's doing this to get a reaction towards me so wed end up in divorce. Cuz he has mentioned if I don't fix things in our marriage in a certain time frame I.E before he gets out of military in November than we are gona get a divorce. Pretty much I want to fix our marriage for us and our daughters sake, i dont want her to be hussled around especially when hell be moving back home to texas, i dont want to not make things more stressful, he makes it hard on me when he says everything's all my fault that I'm always in the wrong. I'm to the point of not knowing what to do anymore... Should I let him get even with me by cheating on me?? He doesn't get that all this is causing a huge affect on our daughter... Pisses me off that one day well be fine then the next day well start the arguments all over again. I don't get why he won't let this all go. Also I got divorce papers earlier and he has filled them out half way already, when we got in a huge argument a month ago. I got the papers to prove to him that I'm not messing around I want to get our life back and well if he don't want too than i don't know what else to do. I don't want to raise a kid on my own, I want the stable environment for her. So any advice please give me, thanks. Any other stuff you wanna know just ask.
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by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
k9l1c5
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:17 AM

I wouldn't let him "get even" that is only going to cause more problems, not solve anything. I think you guys should go to counseling if you really want to work on your relationship. I think sometimes insurance covers it? But not sure if they cover marital counseling.

Crenshaw1988
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:32 AM
I've told him that him getting even is gonna cause more issues... Even said that our insurance can cover counseling but he won't listen to me.


Quoting k9l1c5:

I wouldn't let him "get even" that is only going to cause more problems, not solve anything. I think you guys should go to counseling if you really want to work on your relationship. I think sometimes insurance covers it? But not sure if they cover marital counseling.


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Nicoles2LilRams
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 9:47 AM
1 mom liked this

Wow, I hate to say it, but it looks like you've made your bed...

I don't understand if you felt soooo guilty seeing your ex, why did you continue to see him?  I don't blame your husband for not being willing to work it out, but what you BOTH have to understand is that this kind of betrayal can take years to get over.  You have no right to be offended when he throws it in your face. 

Now, does it mean that he can go out and do what you did?  No, I agree that would only make things worse.  You need to talk to him and ask what exactly he wants.  Does he want things to work or does he want to get even with you?  Does he want things to be the same as they were before you cheated on him? (they never will) Does he want you to prove your trustworthiness and loyalty to him?  What (besides him "getting even") would help fix things in his eyes?

kbear1992
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:02 AM
Like a pp said you made your bed now you have to lay in it... Trust me I know where you are coming from I cheated once on my df (we've been together for 4 years) but if you were truly sorry and truly regretful you wouldn't have done it more then once. Sorry to say it but I don't think you really you are in love with him anymore. You want it to work for your daughter but if your not happy why stay? Me and my df worked threw it but like I said I felt like complete shit and told my df everything and we worked threw it and I couldn't be more in love with him.
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mlogsdon
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:24 AM
Umm. For real??

As far as counselors go- military one source. Free counseling. You both need counseling.
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Crenshaw1988
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:45 AM
Don't know why I kept seeing my ex. On the other hand I wasn't and to this day barley get help around the house. Especially with our daughter yeah he helps some times but most of the time he shuts himself out in the bathroom when she's crying so then I'm the one who has to take care of her. I just want some help from him rather than me having to do all the work. Even in the ams he wants me to make sure he's up for work on time and when i do he yells at me for waking him. Hello it's called an alarm clock for a reason. I don't want to wake up early, I still gotta wake up early to get our daughter up and on the weekends u get to sleep in till noon.


Quoting Nicoles2LilRams:

Wow, I hate to say it, but it looks like you've made your bed...

I don't understand if you felt soooo guilty seeing your ex, why did you continue to see him?  I don't blame your husband for not being willing to work it out, but what you BOTH have to understand is that this kind of betrayal can take years to get over.  You have no right to be offended when he throws it in your face. 

Now, does it mean that he can go out and do what you did?  No, I agree that would only make things worse.  You need to talk to him and ask what exactly he wants.  Does he want things to work or does he want to get even with you?  Does he want things to be the same as they were before you cheated on him? (they never will) Does he want you to prove your trustworthiness and loyalty to him?  What (besides him "getting even") would help fix things in his eyes?


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Crenshaw1988
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:46 AM
He complains constantly even on the weekends when he has to wake her up.


Quoting Crenshaw1988:

Don't know why I kept seeing my ex. On the other hand I wasn't and to this day barley get help around the house. Especially with our daughter yeah he helps some times but most of the time he shuts himself out in the bathroom when she's crying so then I'm the one who has to take care of her. I just want some help from him rather than me having to do all the work. Even in the ams he wants me to make sure he's up for work on time and when i do he yells at me for waking him. Hello it's called an alarm clock for a reason. I don't want to wake up early, I still gotta wake up early to get our daughter up and on the weekends u get to sleep in till noon.




Quoting Nicoles2LilRams:

Wow, I hate to say it, but it looks like you've made your bed...

I don't understand if you felt soooo guilty seeing your ex, why did you continue to see him?  I don't blame your husband for not being willing to work it out, but what you BOTH have to understand is that this kind of betrayal can take years to get over.  You have no right to be offended when he throws it in your face. 

Now, does it mean that he can go out and do what you did?  No, I agree that would only make things worse.  You need to talk to him and ask what exactly he wants.  Does he want things to work or does he want to get even with you?  Does he want things to be the same as they were before you cheated on him? (they never will) Does he want you to prove your trustworthiness and loyalty to him?  What (besides him "getting even") would help fix things in his eyes?



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Nicoles2LilRams
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:54 AM

That's a completely different issue.  Has nothing to do with you cheating on your husband and it's certainly not an excuse.

Parenting is not easy.  Marriage is not easy.  Both take TEAMwork.  I think you both need to figure that out.  And you can't wait for him to make the first effort.. SOMEONE has to make the first move, might as well be you.

If I were you, I'd quit nagging and try to do everything possible to be the best wife and mother I could be and be THANKFUL that my husband didn't leave me after such a stupid stupid mistake.


Quoting Crenshaw1988:

Don't know why I kept seeing my ex. On the other hand I wasn't and to this day barley get help around the house. Especially with our daughter yeah he helps some times but most of the time he shuts himself out in the bathroom when she's crying so then I'm the one who has to take care of her. I just want some help from him rather than me having to do all the work. Even in the ams he wants me to make sure he's up for work on time and when i do he yells at me for waking him. Hello it's called an alarm clock for a reason. I don't want to wake up early, I still gotta wake up early to get our daughter up and on the weekends u get to sleep in till noon.


Quoting Nicoles2LilRams:

Wow, I hate to say it, but it looks like you've made your bed...

I don't understand if you felt soooo guilty seeing your ex, why did you continue to see him?  I don't blame your husband for not being willing to work it out, but what you BOTH have to understand is that this kind of betrayal can take years to get over.  You have no right to be offended when he throws it in your face. 

Now, does it mean that he can go out and do what you did?  No, I agree that would only make things worse.  You need to talk to him and ask what exactly he wants.  Does he want things to work or does he want to get even with you?  Does he want things to be the same as they were before you cheated on him? (they never will) Does he want you to prove your trustworthiness and loyalty to him?  What (besides him "getting even") would help fix things in his eyes?



pancake.
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:55 AM
I got to "I cheated on my husband" and quit reading.

You don't feel bad if you kept doing it. I don't have anything nice to say.
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Rolltidemom28
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 11:55 AM

Talk to him and find out what his true feelings really are about yalls relationship Ask him what he wants to do to get past this rough spot or if he thinks a divorce is really the best option. You cheated on him and so I kinda feel like the ball is in his court right now. If you guys do decide to see a counselor, I know that the military will pay for it. My brother is in the army and he and his wife go to a counselor. He isnt paying a dime for it. The army is.

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