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It's not postpartum, you're just clueless

Posted by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:06 PM
  • 25 Replies

I am a new mom to a precious little girl named Aria. She is almost two months old and in that time I have grown to adore her completely. Things have been a little rough getting used to her existence, her dependence, her constant presence - but we're getting there. Lately, things on the husband front have been troubling me and no matter how I try to confront him with my feelings his solution is 'Gee it must be that post mortem thing. You should just find new friends.' 

I don't care who you are, you would have to have a heart of steel to not feel a little down about losing the old you but I don't think that a little bit of pining for your old life necessarily means you are suffering from post partum. I am the first of all my friends to have a baby. So, yes, it sucks to sit home and wonder what the rest of the crew is doing but I am not thinking of flinging myself from the roof or drowning my baby in the tub. With that said, I do feel the strain on my relationship with my husband.

At first, he seemed pretty interested in playing the active Dad role but now it seems I can't get him to be home for much more than sleeping. Every night he is out and about with his friends, going out for dinner and drinks, coming home with just enough time to say hello and hit the hay. He doesn't lend a hand at night when the baby wakes up. Just this morning around 7:00 I get the "you better grab some food before she starts screaming" alert from his side of the bed... I do breast feed but am also pumping so in theory he COULD help me out... He doesn't. So I am left with little help, running on little sleep and handling everything home/baby related. I am a self-employed real estate appraiser and have even begun working again to stave off any other feelings of uselessness that I might have been susceptible to. 

Ultimately, I am fed up. I tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel to see him going out all of the time and leaving me in the dust but his conclusion is "Sara you just can't go to the bar." I KNOW I CAN'T! But why does he? We used to be best friends. We used to do everything together. Now that I can't do everything I feel like I have been discarded. I've cried about it, yea. Sometimes I wish I could just leave the baby with him and go get a pedicure but I can't. But his chocking it all up to me just being hormonal is more than aggravating. He just doesn't want to see that it's him I have the problem with. 

I think that is truly the root of why I feel in any way shape or form like I am depressed. A lot has changed that I think I can handle but I never saw it coming. I don't get why I have been abandoned and I am scared that he is just going to drift further and further away if I don't make him see it soon. 

Has anyone else had this happen? How can I get my husband back so my life doesn't fall apart? 







by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Silver Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:28 PM

I think you need to talk to him some more, or write him a letter, expressing your feelings, your need for help with the baby, etc.  Explain that it's not post-partum depression but it's related to the way your relationship is/has changed and a feeling of helplessness in fixing things between the two of you.  It has nothing to do with your daughter.

(((hug)))

mlogsdon
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 3:40 PM
1 mom liked this

You CAN do things without him and the baby. If you're pumping, nurse right before you go, leave him with some bottles (if your baby is taking them, not all do) and bring the pump with you. No, you can't really go to a bar, but a pedicure? Sure. I used to just leave the house to go to the store for milk or something. Anything by myself for 30 minutes lol. You ARE hormonal, lol, but that does not at all discredit or invalidated your feelings. ASK him to step up and help you, and explain why. If he is not understanding you, maybe suggest counseling. I had a hard time with my DH in the beginning, as well. He doesn't understand or like babies- he wants to play and roughhouse and goof off, which he can't do until they're older. It is definitely a hard transition. 

SaraP11485
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:17 PM

Thank you both. I know I CAN do things without him - it's just a fight to get him to agree. I feel like it should be easy to arrange. It's not like I am asking to go on a week long vacation and leave him alone with her. And I know I can't just go party on. It just really sucks that he is letting us take a backseat to his friends and his desire to maintain the same pre-baby lifestyle. I just wish I didn't feel like such a stereotypical wife/mother. Like Marge Simpson. Stuck with the baby all of the time, no one listens to her and her husband spends all his free time not with her but at that crummy bar... I just didn't know that this could be me and that he would let it be this way. I knew what it meant to have a baby and how it would limit my life but I just never imagined he would contribute to that limiation. Always thought he would want to make it better. 

TempestRayne
by Donna on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:25 PM
1 mom liked this
Write a.note and hamd it to him along with the baby. the note should explain how to warm up boob juice and that you will be out until such and such time. then, get in the car.and go before he has time to react.

You could also be plain blunt and twll him "you know how I said that i was feeling x,y,z? It is because of YOU. YOU keep bailing on us. You keep sticking me at hom with this child that is as much yours as mine. You are the one who needs to change."
be prepared for a fight though.
Or, just hire a babysitter.
aodom323
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:25 PM
1 mom liked this

This!!!  My fiance has a hard time with communicating so if i need to get a lot off my chest I write him a letter.  It usually works.  I had a problem with my fiance going out everynight to.  After many many arguements we finally agreed that he could go out 1 or 2 nights a week but the rest of the week is with us.  No ifs ands buts or maybes. 


Quoting amonkeymom:

I think you need to talk to him some more, or write him a letter, expressing your feelings, your need for help with the baby, etc.  Explain that it's not post-partum depression but it's related to the way your relationship is/has changed and a feeling of helplessness in fixing things between the two of you.  It has nothing to do with your daughter.

(((hug)))



Nicoles2LilRams
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 5:00 PM

YES!  You say your baby is two months?  Yeah, our first few months were HORRIBLE!  He was always out and doing things, and I was mad at him for it and feeling miserable and lonely.. and then because I was miserable he didn't want to hang around me.. what a vicious cycle.  I wasn't sure we were going to make it!  I think things finally settled down when our son was more "fun."  Rolling over, laughing, playing with toys, starting to crawl etc.  The older he got, the more involved SO got, the more time we spent as a family, the more time he spent with me at home. 

Or maybe it started when I had to go back to work, he was 5 months old.  Since SO was forced to take care of him, he naturally got more comfortable with the whole idea and helped me out even when I was home.

When we had our second, I thought it would be a repeat of that, but it wasn't.. he was more helpful right from the start and it was such a relief.

So, your feelings are natural, his behavior is somewhat typical, you may or may not have the baby blues, but even still.. it will all work itself out!  I would definitely try to get soemone to watch the baby so you two can go out for awhile.  And DON'T feel bad about leaving  the baby with him!  He's the father, even if you do just go out for an hour or so, it's NOT too much to ask! 

AlissaHayley
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 6:21 PM

I had the same issue when I had my son. It's hard to be the first in your group to have a baby. Everyone is nice and supportive, but they're not always going to want to go out with a newborn. It's hard, but it's worth it. You're not crazy for missing your old life and even being a little sad that it's over. 

You should definitely try talking to your husband again, for your sake as well as your daughter's. In the mean time, think of it this way... With the way things are going, he's missing out on everything. And one day, it's going to bite him in the butt and he'll have a lot to regret while you don't have a thing to regret. You'll be there for your daughter even if he's too much of a "dude" to come home early more often. It's unfortunate that guys act that way once the new baby smell wears off, but it's not all that uncommon, either. You're a really strong person to be able to do so much on your own and one day he'll see that and appreciate it. And if he doesn't, screw him. You deserve to be recognized for how much you do.

One thing that helped me was taking a few online classes at the local college while my son would take his naps. It fills the time, gives you something to work on, and it definitely keeps your mind off missing how things used to be.

brittany208
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 7:40 PM

I think he is being incredibly insensitive. It's like if you were on a diet and he was constantly eating junk around you. yes, he is allowed to, but its just plain rude!

i wouldnt ask him to stop going out altogether. that wouldnt be fair to him either. but he should help out more and at least give you a little down time.

I never go out, but that's by choice. I just don't feel like it. My DH does still go out. BUT it is only after he checks in with me to see how I'm doing and if I need anything. If I'm having a really rough day, he wont go. But if I'm about to put baby to bed and sit on the couch and watch TV for a couple hours, I could care less if he goes out. Sometimes its weird bc he kind of asks permission. but really, he's just being considerate and checking in with me first.

brittany208
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 7:42 PM

 yeah, that is incredibly rude and I cant imagine that ending well...


Quoting TempestRayne:

Write a.note and hamd it to him along with the baby. the note should explain how to warm up boob juice and that you will be out until such and such time. then, get in the car.and go before he has time to react.

You could also be plain blunt and twll him "you know how I said that i was feeling x,y,z? It is because of YOU. YOU keep bailing on us. You keep sticking me at hom with this child that is as much yours as mine. You are the one who needs to change."
be prepared for a fight though.
Or, just hire a babysitter.


 

flawskii
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 9:02 AM
I agree with this. If you keep approaching the situation correctly and norhing changes then it means it's time for a different approach! It may have a little backfire but it's obvious the way you're trying to handle it isn't working. What will you do if things don't change and he continues to do what he's doing? Just wondering....

Quoting TempestRayne:

Write a.note and hamd it to him along with the baby. the note should explain how to warm up boob juice and that you will be out until such and such time. then, get in the car.and go before he has time to react.



You could also be plain blunt and twll him "you know how I said that i was feeling x,y,z? It is because of YOU. YOU keep bailing on us. You keep sticking me at hom with this child that is as much yours as mine. You are the one who needs to change."

be prepared for a fight though.

Or, just hire a babysitter.
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