Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How to deal with loss of parent specifically father when you're a mother of a young child??

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:45 PM
  • 11 Replies
1 mom liked this

my father passed away after femural bypass (2nd leg) bc of acquired ifnections including acute respiratory distress syndrome which caused kidney failure and respiratory failure. I was the medical power of attorney and had to decide to tell the dr's to turn the vents off bc he was getting worse and they told me he was dying and wasn't going to make it but I could "keep him alive" for as long as I wanted but he had no fucntions on his own (ie breathing excreting waste etc without life support).At least this way he died with the people he lvoed the msot holding his hand: his kids and their spouses/partners my brother and i, his wife and my common law (also daughter's father).

My parents divorced after 32 years 2 kids and grandkids in march 2010 due to my mom's infidelity and my mom choosing another man over my dad. that guy still lives with her and seeing him alive at my dad's house is so much worse esp. sinc emy dad went downnhill emotionally then physically after my mom left him.and sleepless nights from pain toward the end)

I grew very close to my dad after the divorce; my daughter and I spent a lot of time at his apartment and time in general. i watched him go from a sad man wanting to overcome his divorce grief to a man who was very physically ill and alone due to vascular disease. (He lived with acute and chronic pain and leg ulcers that were gangrenous  and had sleepless nights due to intense pain and nerve pain).

I encouraged him  to get bypass to help his other leg now that was affected by the vascular disease and had leg sores etc and caused horrifying pain that even morphine couldnt contro and improve his quality of lfie bc I didn't want to see him suffer. i ahd no idea it would ultimately lead to his death. 

Anyways he passed on monday, May 27, Memorial Day almost minutes after being disconnected from life support .He was only 61 years old.

this father's day was the hardest ever.. I cryed all day from morning to twilight. i bought a tree and plan on planting it somewhere special when it gets bigger.

I lately have been noticing women my age roughly (I'm 29) going kids'/family places with their parents or who i assume to be their parents and their child(ren) get all these hugs from their grandpa and I feel so sad for my daughter who lost her only grandpa (she's almsot 5 so she's aware and will remember him) and I feel jealous that they have their parental support. What can be more comforting when your kid is acting up than your own parents who are supportive and distracting?

I feel like saying to those women who seem so casual and used to their parents' help 'you're so lucky". i know it could be their stepdad or something but some it is their fathers. I feel jealous of them bc their parents are/stayed together and bc their dad is alive.The worst part is, i HAD that. My daughter was 22 months when my parents divorced, and we went plenty of places all 5 of us and I had that good feeling of my parents being "on my side" with my tantruming kid and know how good it feels. the worst part is, worse than never having it, is that was taken away from me. First my foundation and family life as I knew it ahd crumbled when my parents divorced and for the worst reason on my mom's part, and subsequently the death of my fatehr.

my question is: can anyone relate? Your story doesn't have to be soo much like mine but have you lost your father or mother when you were still young and raising young kids and how did you cope? Did you feel jealous of people who had the parent you lost?

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:45 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
k9l1c5
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:52 PM
I haven't been in your situation, but am so sorry for your loss... Hugs!
PeaceMuch
by Kali on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:55 PM
I lost my mom 3 years ago in July. And it has been super tough for sure. And I definitely went through a jealousy stage and straight up hated people who still had a mom. But that anger did go away. *big hugs*
LMEMomma05
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:08 PM
I lost my Dad almost 10 years ago to a sudden heart attack. I was 19 at the time. Just going into My 3rd of college. My brother had a daughter who was 6 months old. At first I was angry because my Dad and I had just started becoming closer (he.was in the Navy so he was gone a lot when I was younger), so I felt like it was just completely ripped.out from underneath me. It sucks.now cause he'll never meet my ds (he knew my dh but we.werent together when he was alive), but I do have.stay that it does get a little easier. But I still have moments where I'm jealous of other people with their dads and even step fathers. Just take it one day at a time. And pics always help remember the great timea! I am so sorry for you loss.
kimmaylove013
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:13 PM

It didn't happen to me per say, but my mother lost her mother (my grandmother) 2 weeks before II was born. My mom loved her parents like no other her mom was her best friend (just like she is mine) it was so hard in her she went into labor with me 4 weeks early.

I know my grandmother pretty well thanks to my mom, I cherish what I know... But I get jealous of my own kids... I think because I didn't get to have days with my grandma (or grandparents for that matter, by the time I was old enough my grandfather had a girlfriend he is still with her but her family is always more important, not to him but he just goes along not to hear her bitch) but to make up for what I didn't get. My mom just took my oldest on an outing last week and she posted we are here and there on Fb whenever they got somewhere ... I realized I was upset and jealous.

i didn't have my other grandparents either they where gone by the time I was 5 but its weird I didn't KNOW them like my mom made sure I knew my grandmother.


As for being there when he passed I'm glad even tho you have to make that choice he is better off now, we just went though this with hubby's grandmother less than a week ago, the family gathered around her bed side, suffering from not only spreading cancer but her lungs failed kidneys and liver had also failed she passed in 15 minutes... It felt like an hour... She passed June 13th (her youngest sons birthday, he will never fell right about his birthday again) 4 years earlier her husband passed June 16th. 

I feel for you I really do.

Rach0307
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:25 PM
I'm sorry for your loss :( Sadly, my son will never know 2 of his grandparents. My FIL passed away suddenly from a brain aneurism in 2008 when I was pregnant. My mom passed away in 2011 when DS was 17 months old and he'd only seen her twice. She was very ill for over 8 years, though, and struggled with MS for over 20 years. They were both only 51 when they passed. It's sad to me that my son will never have known the great people that they were. I have always been a bit envious of those with parents that help out. My MIL would help if she could, but DH is in the Navy, so we live several states away from her and my dad (and pretty much everyone else in our families). Stay strong, Mama!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Rach0307
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:32 PM
Oh, btw, my brother and I had to make the decision to stop diagnostic. She already had a DNR before we took over which we respected, but she kept getting infections and fevers that weakened required massive doses of antibiotics that weakened her so badly her body just couldn't take any more. We gave the ok to stop and keep her comfortable. The decision was difficult, but it was the only way to let her go and stop the suffering. She passed peacefully in her sleep. I know how hard that was for you with your father. *hugs*
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
sexysiren1983
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:34 PM

It was but I just couldn't stand seeing him wake up and have this disappoibted look in his eyes with tubes down his throat and going in and out of his body.


Quoting Rach0307:

Oh, btw, my brother and I had to make the decision to stop diagnostic. She already had a DNR before we took over which we respected, but she kept getting infections and fevers that weakened required massive doses of antibiotics that weakened her so badly her body just couldn't take any more. We gave the ok to stop and keep her comfortable. The decision was difficult, but it was the only way to let her go and stop the suffering. She passed peacefully in her sleep. I know how hard that was for you with your father. *hugs*



erin708
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:37 PM
My husband has lost both his parents within 3 yrs. His dad almost three yrs ago to cancer and his mom just 3 months ago to cancer. I can't phathom what ur going through. I'm very sad for my dh and his siblings. They were a very big part of our lives. My fil was 62 and my mil 64 when they passed.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
n8vmija
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:04 PM

I lost my dad in 2009 to cancer. I was 25 at the time and my DD was 4. It was hard to cope with bc I kept looking at my DD thinking she will never know what an amazing man her grandpa was. And about how he will never get to see her grow into the beautiful woman she will become. The first year was the hardest for me. I have since had another DD who's now one and the same feelings have come back only this time he never got the chance to meet my youngest. I get very jealous of ppl who still have their dad's around. Especially when they take them for granted! That just gets to me so bad!!

sexysiren1983
by on Jun. 20, 2013 at 1:01 AM


I know...it bugs me bc they dont seem to get how awesolme dads are and grandpas...i grew up without any grandpas and now my daughter will tooo...i was 3 when both died...hopefully my daughter will remember him...he loved us both so much...

Quoting n8vmija:

I lost my dad in 2009 to cancer. I was 25 at the time and my DD was 4. It was hard to cope with bc I kept looking at my DD thinking she will never know what an amazing man her grandpa was. And about how he will never get to see her grow into the beautiful woman she will become. The first year was the hardest for me. I have since had another DD who's now one and the same feelings have come back only this time he never got the chance to meet my youngest. I get very jealous of ppl who still have their dad's around. Especially when they take them for granted! That just gets to me so bad!!



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)